God Spotting

on God and disappointment

I just want to share what my friend, Anj, emailed author Philip Yancey about being disappointed in God. I’m sure we all had been disappointed at one time or another– but is it ok if God is in the mix? I’m not saying this is the end-all and be-all, but I love it that Anj was honest and willing to go further in her understanding about this issue.

Dear Mr. Yancey,

guest blogger: anj

I just needed to ask you a question that a friend and I have been arguing about for a while now. We were discussing disappointment and trusting God and my friend basically said that if you trust God or if you consult him on all areas of decision-making, it’s possible to never feel disappointed with the answers he gives you, because your trust is complete and whole in him. However, just from my experience I believe that its possible to be disappointed with God’s answer but to trust that his way is right and true and to obey despite your personal desires. Does that mean my trust in him is not complete? Because I occasionally still feel disappointment?

I know you’re a busy man and probably won’t have the time to respond to this but I hope you do. I have felt an enormous amount of condemnation regarding this and although I have read my Bible nothing has jumped out that has been a clear word on this. I’m not looking to be proven right. I just want to get some perspective from someone who seems to have more insight on this.

Thanks very much!

Angie N.

and this was his reply (she got it this morning)

Dear Anjie Nandwani,

In an attempt to maintain some control over my time (mostly futile, I admit), I do not use email.  But I am borrowing this one to respond to you.  It’s an unmonitored address, for outgoing mail only, so please do not reply to this address.

Your letter was a “grace note” of encouragement to me.  We writers work in isolation, with little idea of the impact of our work.  Responses like yours keep me going, and I thank you for taking the time and effort to write me.

It is my firm belief and personal experience that God does not want us to turn into automatons when we decide to follow him.  I believe God wants us to come to him with our whole heart, soul and mind, not leaving anything of ourselves stuffed in a closet or relegated to the back shelf.  Therefore, we will bring the struggles of our will vs. his will to the relationship with God, just as in any other relationship. I can think of numerous examples in the Bible where this was true, and the person involved was disappointed but chose to accept God’s will over his own.  Think of Paul and his thorn in the flesh.  Or of David, longing and pleading for his and Bathsheba’s son not to die.  Or Abraham and Sarah wanting a child before they were old and gray.  We can go on on and on with the examples of deferred gratification in favor of God’s best.  The best response to your question is to recommend the book of Psalms: it’s full of disappointment, even anger, yet has been the believers’ prayer book through the centuries.  That says it well, I think.

I respect your friends’ point of view, but I like yours better.  Listen to your own heart, Anjie.  You can trust it.

Philip Yancey

all i know

Thank you for these times when I’m really tired, i find my rest in You.

And I can find You anywhere.

Are you there God?

“God is active and present in his world, quite independently of whether we experience him as being so.  Experience declared that God was absent from Calvary, only to have its verdict humiliatingly overturned on the third day.” (Alister McGrath, Mystery of the Cross)

This strong conviction that He is there even when I don’t see Him or understand what’s happening keeps me sane… and still joyful in any circumstances.

can you see?

To some, God is discoverable everywhere; to others, nowhere. Those who do not find Him on earth are unlikely to find Him in space. (Hang it all, we’re in space already; every year we go a huge circular tour in space.) But send a saint up in a spaceship and he’ll find God in space as he found God on earth. Much depends on the seeing eye.

(C.S. Lewis)

I found this quote from C.S. Lewis’ The Joyful Christian just this morning and it’s so cool to see that even one of my favorite writers acknowledge Godspotting.

Yes, it does depends on the seeing eye. God is always there, His hand orchestrating things, even if we don’t understand what’s happening at first. I have to admit that there are really days when I’m too down or too busy or just too tired to muster up the energy to Godspot. Yes, sometimes it does require some effort, but there are days too when you just see Him there, right in front of your nose and there’s no denying it.

Yesterday was one of those days.

Yesterday was hard. I just got back from a relaxing weekend in Batangas and I get to work expecting that all the work that we’ve put in last week would be done– because we really should have been done already. But just as we were about to turn in the magazine for printing, one of the bosses of the boss intercepted it, didn’t like what she saw and now wants to do an overhaul.

And we thought we’re a week ahead of the deadline for the very first time. I thought I was doing a good job.

So… our deadline was extended so we can work on this issue some more. It’s really frustrating because we worked our butts off to meet their crazy deadlines and now looks like we’ll be late once more.

But on the train on my way home, I found myself, instead of complaining to God about my bosses, really joyful and grateful. Because, for some strange, and seemingly masochistic, reason I welcome their corrections and comments that require even more work and effort for us. Because I know that it will make for a better product. I guess once we’re past our automatic reaction and rejection to anything that requires more effort than what we’ve already put in, it’s by God’s grace that we can see beyond all the work to something really great coming out of it.

Plus, as a person who has a predilection to laziness, I welcome anything that keeps me from my just sitting on my ass all day.

It reminded me of how my parents used to expect and demand more from us because they know that we’re better than what we’re settling for. I’m glad that even as I’m now an adult, God’s still on my case, cheering and oftentimes pushing me to excellence, because He knows what I’m capable of. He’s the one who made me after all.

can’t escape you

A calling is simply God’s shaping of your burden and His beckoning you to your service to Him in the place and pursuit of His choosing. Finding your home in your service to Christ is key to noticing the threads that God has designed just for you. When you find it, you inevitably feel that hand-in-glove sensation. Finding it gives you the security of knowing that you are utilizing your gifts and your will to God’s end first, not yours. When you align your will with God’s will, His calling on you has found its home. A true call of God puts a tug on your soul that you cannot escape, no matter how unattractive the cost of following it may feel. And what is the starting point for this process? The Bible leaves us in no doubt: do what you know to be God’s will, and then watch how He will lead you into what you do not yet know. you are God’s temple; so act like it. God reinforces his call as your respond to His nod.

(Ravi Zacharias, in The Grand Weaver)

Sometimes I still really don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. But whenever I try to stall and claim ineptness, a problem or a task pops up in front of me and forces me to solve it. Because, for some reason, I can’t help but do the job in front of me.

Before I know it, I now have a curriculum vitae of jobs that I did just because they are right in front of me. I don’t know how many articles I’ve already written since I graduated in 2002, but it’s safe to say that they’re in the hundreds. I’ve been a personal assistant, driver, editorial assistant, features editor, PR writer, curriculum writer, teacher, and now managing editor. I tried getting out of this trend, but it’s like I’m always being herded back here.

I’m still waiting for that “tug” on my soul that I cannot escape… Sometimes I know for sure that this is my calling– to be a writer, an editor–and other times it just feels like I can’t escape (hah!). So for now, I’ll just keep on doing the job that’s in front of me and trust my Creator that this path will eventually take me somewhere I can recognize as my “calling.”

Then again, it could just be the difficult day talking.

our eyes are on You

Oh Lord, I don’t know where to look. I don’t even want to open my eyes because I’ll see this… this horror, this inhumanity, this… I don’t know what to call it anymore. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

Where are we going from here? Where are you taking us? We need You more than ever, when the people who are supposed to be in charge are failing.

Lord, my God, I know You’re here somewhere. I need to see You. We need to see you.

Let Your justice and righteousness reign, O God. We will wait on You.

“… we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.”
2 Chronicles 20:12

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For more on the Maguindanao massacre: here, here, here.

Godspotting on an off day

it’s just one of those days when nothing feels right, nothing fits well, and i’m just so uncomfortable that i can’t focus my mind on anything. if you have been following my facebook status and tweets, you would probably be wondering what’s wrong with stef’s days.

truth is, nothing’s really going wrong. nothing out of the ordinary. it’s just an Off-day.

i saw it coming the moment i woke up this morning and prayed, “Oh Lord, it’s a Monday…” (i forgot what I already said, but it’s something along those lines). I made it a point to dress happy– maybe it could off-set the bloatyuglyicky feeling… well, so far, not really.

but what i do like about off days (not that i like them) is that it makes me focus more the task of Godspotting. where’s God in all of this?

my favorite one for today is the one i got this morning, on the road to work. i had my GoGear on while hugging my bag to my chest to hide my tummy and cleavage (both that are unusually extra visible for some reason) from other people’s eyes. I even texted it to myManu:

Me: I’m listening to one of the songs I used to like. It goes, “When I am weak, all the words I speak bring no passion anymore. And when I try for happiness in the midst of all this emptiness, all I want is You, if I only knew how to get up off this floor.” Now I know why I was depressed all the time in college. It feels good not to related to these songs anymore.

Manu: Yeah… I’m glad I listened to foreign songs then… I didn’t have to understand them…

Me: hahahahahahahaha! I’m all about words kasi. Now my songs go like this, “All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.” glorious!

Manu: Words are indeed powerful.

I’m just grateful my God doesn’t change and He doesn’t get off days. Because of that, there’s never a reason not to rejoice, never a reason to shake my fist at the heavens.

(Although it did feel good to hide under the table for a little while.)

are you there God?

makati underpass

station one

(from in-indie.org) Ondoy's destruction

my parents

so where is stef now?

Dear Tita Carol,

I hope you don’t mind if I make my first email to you is an open one. I wanted you to see my blog too—and let my readers—at least, the few that I have— know where I have been lately because I haven’t updated my blog for a while now. It’s kinda dusty from lack of use for the past month or so, but if you’ll look at the “What is Godspotting?” page you’ll see that this is all about finding God in the everyday  and in the mundane—the mostly small stuff. And I guess you can say that that’s how I am approaching life right now. It’s taken me a while to get here, but it’s the one thing that keeps me from despairing over the calamities of the tiny universe in my head (where everything defaults to revolving around me, if I don’t watch it) and over the calamities in this world that I share with everyone else. Not that big stuff stopped happening to me and to the people around anymore—they do, but lately I’ve been loving the small things. It comes with age I guess.

Speaking of age…

I’m 29 now. (Next year, I’ll be 30!!!!)

Usually, I have this great Big Think on my birthday, and then a party afterwards. But I kinda missed my 29^th birthday, being on neither side of the world where it happened. It’s rather cool when you think about it, but mostly, I just slept through it (with the help of the awesome business class seats of PAL).  So anyway, I didn’t get to do my Big Think, thank God—but instead, it stretched throughout the next few weeks (hence, I’ve been quiet on the blog until now).

I was just reflecting on that on the way to meeting with Grace for our weekly hanging out (AKA “small group”) that I’m homeless, in terms of church and ministry. Funny to think that even if I have a pastor for a boyfriend and he has his own church, and I have you guys from UCM, plus my church in Imus, Cavite. But things have been shifting and changing, and I don’t know where to place myself. At least, not yet…

As for my job, it’s the first time I’ve actually consistently gone to an office for more than a year. I love my job. Like anything, I get frustratedannoyedexasperated and stressed over it. I think I contemplate changing my career at least once a month, but I love it. And I’m still at it. Jacs,  one of my friends here in the office, and I proposed a magazine idea to the big bosses a few months ago, so we’re praying about that.

So I moved out of my parents’ house and I’m now renting a place in Makati. I love living here, but then the lease on our apartment will be up at the end of the year—I don’t know if we’re keeping it or moving to another place, or I’ll go back to driving again (please God no).

And what next? Please don’t say marriage, or “Get married” or ask, “Why aren’t you married yet?” I get that question in various versions every single day. I only have one answer to that: when it happens, it will be at the perfect moment.

So where is Stef now? I think it’s gone the way of my 29^th birthday—in the middle of somewhere, in between days, in between the morning and the night time. In between everything. Like every other single (as long as you’re not married, you’re still single) young adult, I’m still on the brink of something hopefully great and legendary. I can feel the great expanse waiting for me, just as I am waiting to get there.

And all I have is right now—this moment, these words, this day. My family, my friends, my beloved. My cat and my hamster.  Our flat in Makati. My job, my work, my cubicle, this laptop I drag around with me every day. My clothes, shoes, and bags, makeup. This blog, my facebook, twitter accounts.

I also have this peace. This overwhelming sense of security despite of all that is happening to our country, to our people. I don’t understand it, I don’t think I ever will fully comprehend it, but I’m glad I have it.

And I have my great awesome God, who’s bigger than the biggest problem, yet so near to hear even the tiniest of prayers.

I know He’s here with me in the middle of somewhere. I can see His thumbprint on everything.

So here, by the grace of God, goes Stef, still Godspotting.

p.s. be emailing you more later.

caution: work in progress (an open letter to an old friend)

dear Melissa,

I don’t know if you still remember me, but we used to be classmates in fifth grade. I was the new kid in class and I didn’t know who to talk to. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my pink shirt and jeans outfit. My oversize glasses seemed like a good idea back then. Looking at my pictures now, it wasn’t. Your smile was the first direct acknowledgment of my presence in that strange classroom. You motioned me to the empty seat beside you and introduced yourself to me.

It didn’t take too long for me to know why the seat beside you was vacant. The other girls in class– at least the more outspoken ones, the pretty girls with their neat ponytails, and the teacher’s favorites– loudly demanded why I chose to sit with you. I saw why. In first few weeks of school, they taunted you, they made you yell, throw things in anger, and make a fool out of yourself while they laughed. They said you were sick, that’s why they tried their best to make you angry. It was funny when you got angry.

I remember standing up for you– for a while. I couldn’t understand why they would treat you like this. You were my only friend in class. The girls gave me hell for it. Soon, they started calling me names and hating me. That was a new experience for me. I had always gotten along with everybody before, and just stayed out of people’s way if I think they could hurt me. It was weird because this was my first time to be in a Christian school too. This was how Christian kids behaved in a Christian school?

I don’t know how it eventually happened, but the same girls who used to yell how much they hate me in front of the class became my friends. I even got invited to a sleepover with them.

Then I started noticing just how different you were from us, how much bigger you were than the rest of us. I noticed the funny way you talked and walked. I laughed when the boys made you cry. I didn’t want to be seen with you anymore. I moved two seats up front, with the popular girls and never looked back.

You moved to another school the next year. I didn’t see you anymore, but sometimes I remember you and I wonder how you are now. Did you make friends in your new school? Did they treat you better than we ever did? Did you get better? Did you lose weight? Did you move out of the country, or maybe you’re working in the same city I live in now? Do we shop in the same mall? Did you fall in love with a man who loves you back? Are you happy now?

I tried looking for you online, but I haven’t found you yet. I guess you wouldn’t like it if I brought this all up if ever I do find you. I wouldn’t want anybody else to bring it up for me. We weren’t nice to you at all. I wish I had stuck up for you, but it’s too late to take any of that back now.

I guess I just want to say I’m sorry. We didn’t know any better, and I’m glad that I’m not like that now. I’m sure we’ve both gone a long way since then. For that I’m really grateful.

Anyway, thanks for being nice to the new kid. God bless you, wherever you are today.