God Spotting

I may not always say so (being the big sister, for some reason, rarely affords me that opportunity to do this), but I’m really proud of you. And even if you’re only just a few days in as a JC’s wife, I know you’ll do me proud too. Your marriage is just one of those things that people instantly know is just right (even if you and JC still looked like kids playing dress up at that crazy gorgeous wedding), and I know that God will bless you two and your ministry because this is all Him, and He will be with you two down this road.

So, be good to each other. And let’s have dinner in Makati still, once in a while, ok?

Love, Ate

“how are you feeling now?” my friend asked me online just a few minutes ago. I guess she was referring to my day yesterday wherein I wasn’t really feeling all that great, and after a couple of years of not having depression, it was strange seeing it rearing its sad face peeking through my metaphorical window, asking if it’s ok to come in. No, it wasn’t ok to come in, and the whole day was like a roller coaster wrestling match (sorry for mixing my metaphors) with self-pity as I just kept on praying and pleading for more of the grace that I already know was enough and that was already given to me.

“My grace is enough,” He assures me time and time again. Even if I didn’t open my Bible, I know where it is, where to find it. I always went back to it. And throughout the day the grace that is always enough covered my big and small mistakes, carried my unwilling ass from one task to another. Raised my spirits when I just couldn’t even lift the corners of my mouth for a smile.

Things are changing again. And while I used to boast that I thrive on change, the in-between time is sometimes so uncomfortable.

I’m at a crossroads again. Weird, wasn’t I just here a few months ago? Did I miss a turn somewhere? But lead on Lord.

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

(Monday’s Child, traditional)

I tried hitting the ground running this new year, but I kinda stumbled over myself and spent the first few days metaphorically on my butt, dazed on the ground with metaphorical scrapes on my chin and elbows, and the taste of dirt in my mouth. On hindsight, I didn’t end last year all that well, mainly for the fact that I was just glad to make it to the end alive.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m trying not to succumb to all the helpful words from well-meaning individuals who tell me, “Napag-iwanan ka na. (You got left behind.)” Because my youngest sister is getting married next weekend. I’ve got all these snappy comebacks ready, but I do get tired of hearing them and forcing a fake smile on my face whenever I do. My family tells me to just let it go out of the other ear, but it’s getting to the point where I wonder if I’m just kidding myself whenever I think that I’m quite happy with my status right now. (Sometimes I get scared that I’m too content, because while being single at this age is pretty good, I do would like to move on from this level.)

But what if– what if I did miss the boat, the flight, or whatever it is they’re equivalent to in life, and I’m stuck here–to be always in the midst of transition, in the period of adjustment, a plan that’s always in the works? To exist in limbo.

(Oh, God.)

My greatest fear is being a permanent potential, having a great promise that is never fulfilled. Much like a lot of my essays and stories that are never finished or routines started that just never caught on.

But.

Of course there’s a but. I grew up knowing my Creator is a God who finishes His creation. He sees everything through, from beginning until the end. And even while I don’t feel it right now, He has set my life on forward motion. To where exactly, and how– I don’t know. But I do know that I’d be even more lost without Him.

To be even more honest (I’m trying to be more honest this year too), as I am slowly sifting through my life to get rid of the clutter (sometimes it’s like my life is built around the clutter), I’m feeling less and less sure about myself. It’s an odd feeling for me to not know of what to do or what I can do, and I’m getting acquainted with this feeling more and more these days.

I wish I could just fast forward to the day when all lessons have been learned and I’m done adjusting, and I’ve finally arrived at the place where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I would actually pray that (worth the shot). But God always says the same thing,

“My grace is enough for your weakness. Today.”

And by this same grace I’m finding out just how enough it is.

“Oh Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth

The thrill of of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!”

Wow, Christmas is literally fast approaching. Seriously, it just took me by surprise that it’s this Sunday already! And the week after that, it’s the New Year! Do you remember the time when Christmas couldn’t get here fast enough, that those presents under the tree seem to have been teasing you forever. (Confession: when I was a kid, I peeked into my presents. I have mastered the art of taking the tape off without ripping the paper and putting it back without anybody noticing–at least, that’s what I thought!). Sometimes I got exactly what I wanted, other times, not exactly.

We’re not the only ones who have waited for Christmas in great anticipation. Before Christ, believers of his coming have waited and generations died waiting for the Messiah to come. Yet people believed and kept watch. Until finally, at the appointed time, Jesus was born to a virgin and the world who had been waiting didn’t even know it was him because they were expecting someone different– a king, a warrior, someone who will free Israel from the Roman Empire and reestablish the country in its former greatness.

But instead, they got a baby in a manger. A carpenter. A man who walked on water. A man who healed and brought the dead back to life. The man who hung out with sinners and tax collectors. A man who didn’t condemn but forgave sins. A man who is the Son of God. A man who claimed that He and His Father are one. A man who didn’t say anything and was crucified. A man who rose from the dead.

We’re all waiting for a lot of things, answer to our prayers, we expect great things from our God, but sometimes, most of the time, God’s concepts of time and greatness differ from ours  that when He finally does answer our prayers, we don’t recognize it because we’re expecting something (or someone) sooner and something (someone) else. My prayer for all of us this Christmas is that we’ll set our hearts not on the things of this world, but on things above. For us to delight ourselves in the Lord and He’ll give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4), so we’ll know and recognize God’s answers to our prayers when they come.

One of my favorite parts of the Christmas story (although it’s rarely mentioned because it’s later on after the manger scene) is when Mary and Joseph took Jesus to the temple in Jerusalem to present him to the Lord, and there’s a man there named Simeon, who had been waiting for the Messiah everyday of his life. The Holy Spirit revealed to Him that He would not die before He had seen the Lord’s Messiah. Then one day, he saw Jesus. There must have been so many people at the Temple that day to present their babies, but Simeon was so in tuned to the Holy Spirit that he found Jesus, and when he did, he praised God, saying:

“Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles and the glory of your people Israel.” (Luke 2:29-32)

May we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear the glory of God revealed this Christmas and in all the days to come!

Merry Godspotting, you guys.

I was really blessed by our sermon series this month at church about life verses. I loved that I got to hear the stories of the people in our leadership and how the Word of God has worked powerfully in their lives. It also got me thinking about my own life verse, and how its meaning and application in my life has evolved throughout the years as I myself had evolved.

So here’s my life verse:

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12: 9-10)

When I first encountered this verse, I was a depressive insecure teenager with a crippling low self-esteem. I loved God and I was a Christian already even then, but for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like the world was crashing around my ears all the time. I felt like I was the worst Christian ever, and I didn’t know how God could ever use a zero like me. I was angsty and suicidal, but being a Christian, I fought against those thoughts and just gritted my teeth as I went through each day. I was ashamed to ask for professional help (or any help) because what would they say about a Christian depressive– what would that say about the God whom I loved so much?! I felt like this pretty much until the end of my 20s even if I had gotten better at hiding my depression from other people throughout the years. I kept people at a distance because I felt (and some experiences had proved it true) that if people really know how pathetic the real Stef was, they wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.

This verse was my lifeline throughout that time. It assured me that my God, despite all my shortcomings, still can do something good and great. And when I am weak (which I was– and am still– all the time) He is strong. It gave my–what I had thought back then–pathetic life meaning and purpose.

Eventually, the depressive episodes stopped coming (just as I was about to turn 30), and I was amazed at how freed I felt. When you’ve been living with the heavy burden of depression all your life, that’s all you know, and when it’s gone, it’s amazing to find just how light and bright life actually is!

This is still my life verse, and, while I know that I’m still far from perfect, the awareness of my own weaknesses and shortcomings is no longer burdensome, but rather a blessing. I see them as an opportunity for God’s grace to be shown to its fullest extent– in-house Godspotting! While I know that God can leverage my strengths for His glory (now that I am aware that I do have strengths), I still don’t have any qualms about Him working through my weaknesses more.

Although, I have to admit that I still pray that I would be really great and be the best writer, the best managing editor, be rich and famous (or marry a rich and famous man), and for that specter of my old thorn in the flesh to go away (my emotional instability), I’m still grateful that God doesn’t give me all that I ask for and instead tells me, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Because witnessing God’s all-sufficient grace completing my weaknesses and lack is worth all the trouble that they sometimes get me into.

So take heart, you. God’s grace is always enough.

I don’t think any of my friends is a morning person. Most of them are stay-awake-until-morning people, sure, but to willingly get up really early for no urgent reason, not really. So I’m just going to put this idea out there for anybody who would like to try this out.

What if

we sleep early and wake up early? Like 9 or 10 pm early and 4 or 5 am early?

What if

we meet up for breakfast and coffee (well, you guys can have coffee) somewhere in one of those 24 hour places in the Makati CBD area while the rest of the world is asleep and start our day with good company, intelligent conversation, and maybe even prayer to start the day?

What if

we do this once a week?

Wouldn’t that be cool

to get at least one gimmick in with friends once a week and get a good night’s rest too? According to studies, sleep before midnight is twice the quality of sleep we get after midnight that’s why even when we wake up extra early the next morning, we don’t feel groggy or tired.

and wouldn’t that be cool

to walk around Makati before it goes into its rush hour mode? the air is still chilly, and quiet. hardly any cars on the street (which reminds me, I should bring my longboard to the apartment already.).

It’s really a great way to start a day.

What do you say?

(Yes, I am aware of the irony of this post because I know I have a reputation as the girl who never sleeps. But I’m changing my sleeping patterns slowly but surely– except when there are deadlines, like right now. But, anyway… it seems like a good idea while I was walking down my street coming from breakfast this morning at 5:40am.)

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed too steep so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so worth much left to do
But so much you’d already done

Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise you
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise you
And I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You’ll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit from me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach

And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And step by step You’ll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Children of the 80s, remember that Mighty Kid Christmas commercial where the kid in the car gave his shoes to the street kid? The memory still makes me teary-eyed because it was a rather selfless act in a holiday where sometimes it’s about receiving presents. And he was a really cute chubby kid so happy with his shoes until he saw someone who needed them more.

Anyway, my friend is organizing a gift campaign to give shoes to the children in poor communities. all you have to do is pick a kid (or more) by tagging or leaving a comment under his/her pictures. and you can receive his/her shoe outline via email. buy her/him a pair of shoes. I can organize a one-time drop-off at my friend’s if ever you guys want to join. I participated last year and it was nice to go shoe shopping for children who I know don’t get new shoes all that often.

so, game? It’ll certainly make their Christmas.

To see the Facebook album click here.

Don’t you notice that whenever we have somebody come in front in church to do his/her testimony, that person’s already past that crisis/problem/former life and he/she always closes with an everything’sgreatnowpraisetheLord summary? And we all clap and we’re all blessed by the story. Have you ever had that feeling that you want to do that too? Give your story with a happy ending? But in the meantime, you’re right in the middle of something in your life that you still can’t make sense of, and things aren’t following the timeline?

This is what I feel about being a young adult, actually. Like I’m in the middle or at the brink of something that could be great (or horrible) and I have no idea of how I can make sense of what’s happening to me right now. All I know is that I just have to stay on my feet, keep going or be still (but I never really know if i’m supposed to keep on going or be still– I guess, being still is an emotional and spiritual state while moving forward is more of a mental and physical thing). There are days when I feel like I have everything in control and my head’s screwed on straight. And there are days when I’m just dragging my feet, pulled along because I have obligations and deadlines that I have to fulfill because I’m an adult and i have to be a good Christian, dengit! But in those days (like last week until last night), I just feel like giving up and just go on hibernation  until the world is all as it should be.

I love how David described these moments (it’s so accurate),

“I am poured out like water and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me. My strength is dried up like [broken pottery] and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death” (Psalm 22:14-18, NIV).

So what do we do when we’re in the middle? I don’t have exact answers to that, but from what I have experienced, we just have to submit to the process. We may not be able to control what’s happening to us, but we do have a choice on how to respond to it.

Being a Godspotter, I know that God’s right here in the middle with me– with all of us. But sometimes I just know it even if I can’t see or feel anything that tells me that’s true. I know you have those moments too and all we could do is have faith that He is still here with us. I find that in dealing with present pain, what helps the most is not talking about it to a friend (although that’s ok too), it’s in reaching out to another person who is in pain. Hard times build character, and it’s not just a cliche. Hard times show us how strong we really are. When we’re alone and we don’t even think our strength can handle it, God shows how strong He is in our weaknesses.

Of course, not everything in middle is so ma-drama or sad or hard. There is plenty to rejoice about, and things do get fun! But that belongs to another post.

But let me leave you with a continuation to David’s psalm after his lament on verses 14-20:

“I will declare your name to my people;
in the assembly I will praise you.” (Psalm 22:22 NIV)

Lord, thank You for all my days.
31 years is a long time to be faithful without fail.

Thank You for my Dad, my Mom, my Sisters and Brother.
Thank You for my Cat, the other cat and the dog
My friends at from childhood, at church, at work
Those random people I meet and love and don’t have a category
The men I loved… and don’t feel as strongly for anymore (hehe)
For the people I will eventually grow to love.
Thank You for my job
For all those articles I finished (and lost count)
For those articles I didn’t finish (can still count)
Those deadlines that I met headon and those that whooshed past
The blogs I wrote and didn’t
For the words I got credit for and didn’t

Thank you for taking me to places
All those car rides, plane rides, bus rides, train rides, boat rides
jeepney rides, tricycle rides, bike rides
All the food I ate strange, rich, bland, cheap and expensive
All the food I can still eat and all those I can’t anymore

Thank You for Jesus, and His name that brought me to life.
Thank you for making me weak so You can make me strong
For those reminders that I don’t know much, no not really, so I can learn more
For the plans I make only so You can change them
For breaking my heart so You can mend it
For taking me out of burning furnaces unbounded and without the smell of fire on me

Lord, thank You because I saw You there,
and there, and there, and there, and there
there, there, there, there… You were there
And now You’re here.
Thank God You’re here.

Thank You.