My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalm73:26)

This day was hard, emotion-wise. Everything may have gone smoothly and on schedule, but my heart was stuck on the breakup once again. It felt fresh again, and for once, I was glad for the traffic jam that let me have a lot of time to cry and pour out my heart to God.

I complained and whined. I asked God why do I have to be the strong girl– a complaint that I’ve had most of my life. Why can’t I just be the regular girl who can cry and be weak and heartbroken? Then I was interrupted with the thought, “Who say’s you’re the one who’s strong anyway?” And who says I don’t cry and I’m not weak? Ok, so I may not be heartbroken, but why do I keep on acting like I am? And that shut me up for a beat. I stopped complaining for a while and took out my Bible (yes, the traffic jam was that bad). Turns out, Psalm 73:26 was part of my Bible reading that day. Touche, God. Well, of course I knew all along that it’s not really my strength, but God, I’m so tired.

I wonder if Moses ever thought of making his friends put his arms down because they were already asleep during the battle of Rephidim.

Thinking about it now, that day was a like a battle for me. And God sent unlikely (well, not really that unlikely) friends to hold me up. M, my unofficial cheerleader, just kept on assuring me that I was awesome– and if he weren’t gay, he would totally hit on me (haha!). And J, my chocolate bear– who knew what it’s like to feel one thing despite knowing what is right, and has lived with that struggle all his life with no end in sight– just kept on telling me to hang on and move forward in faith and hope. For what else can we do, when things are beyond our control?

At the end of the day, I found myself talking to another friend in her room while she struggled to hold herself together under the pressure of everything that she had to finish at work and at church. We shared our struggles and gave each other encouragement. And I prayed for her– something we both needed. She needed it because she was so stressed and lonely, and I needed to get out of my head and share the strength that I had been given to help out a sister.

Thank God for friends, Christian or not, God uses them just the same to comfort and to teach lessons that should have been learned several times before.

For some reason, I really thought that life would get easier during the 60-60 Experiment but then again, if my desire is to grow even closer to God and go farther with Him in our journey, that’s not exactly going to happen all the time, right? If I want to see His strength, He would have to expose my weaknesses. If I want to be healed, I have to show Him all my wounds. If I want to minister, I would do it with all transparency, because I’m a person saved and sustained by grace too. Kinda scary, right? But onward we go!

It all started with  a prayer on the way home yesterday. I was asking God to bless my plans for tomorrow (today) when I realized what I was doing and stopped. Then I just said, “What about I just go along with Your plans for tomorrow? What are your plans, Lord?”

Apparently, nothing like the plans I had in mind.

My plan was pretty simple and very official: leave the house at 9am, get to Alabang at around 9:40 to pick up garage sale donations from Alabang Hills, get on SLEX just in time for the colorcoding window (10am-3pm), pick up more garage sale donation from Rheea’s and then to the office for the meeting with the bosses at 2:30am. The 7pm, SAM team training at church. Turns out, God’s plans for me for Thursday didn’t include any of that.

This happened instead: Ninna took the car to Alabang for her very important appointment with a client, and I will just hitch to the MRT with mom and Sherie. I started feeling really sick. But I forced myself to get out of the house because I didn’t want to miss the meeting. If I was going to get sick, I reasoned, Friday would be the best day because all I had for that day was a seminar and a party I could afford to miss. On the way to the city, I was informed that they had moved the meeting to another day, so I didn’t have to go anymore. I ended up riding with my mom, sky and sherie to MOA and Manila, just finding a resting place where I could. I got back home at 5:30pm. Did some babysitting, and ended up (despite trying very hard to avoid it) sleeping at 11:30pm. I didn’t even get to write anything that day, except a few tweets and a facebook status update.

The thing about this day though was I got to spend time with my Mom, my sister and Sky. I also got to spend a lot of time getting used to my phone ringing every hour to remind me to get my bearings with God. Mom and I got to talk about her concerns in my growing involvement with my ex-boyfriend’s church, and I got to explain to her my reasons for staying. I also got to tell her about the 60-60 Experiment and encouraged her to do it; she got to tell me about my Dad’s concerns about money and retirement. I got to pray for my dad when my phone’s alarm sounded soon after that.

While I didn’t get the rest I was expecting, the day was a good break from my regular pursuits, and I got to spend a whole day with some of the most important people in my life. I haven’t been home most of the time for the past few weeks, and God gave me a whole day with just them and no work! And I suppose, in a little way, it gave my mom some assurance to see for herself that I’m doing more than just fine.

I know that God won’t necessarily give me a day off every time whenever I let Him take over, but Day 2 was a gift, I realize it now.

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him, I
shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I’ll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders
’round the throne
At His feet I’ll lay my crown, my worship
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of Heaven

(Brooke Fraser)

The 60-60 Experiment is basically taking a minute out of every 60 for 60 days to stop and be conscious that God is with me right now. Thus, knowing that brings me to the next thought, which is, “What is His will for me at this moment?” The whole point is developing a habit of communing with God minute-by-minute.

This isn’t exactly new. I’ve actually been doing this already, but it’s not like I’m conscious of doing it continuously. I’m sure, hours have passed that I haven’t talked to God (mostly while I’m playing Plants vs. Zombies. heh). For the 60-60 Experiment, I followed the instructions and set my phone to ring every hour with a reminder “Re: 60-60″ every hour for the next 60 days… well, only from 6am to 11pm. I should be asleep in between those times. hehe

If you’re doing this with me, it would also be nice to encourage other people to join you. My friends from the Single Adults Ministry (SAM) from WINmakati have agreed to meet for lunch every Sunday after the service to discuss about our own 60-60 Experiment experiences. If you don’t have a group, do blog or post a comment here about your breakthroughs.

If you’re just starting, here’s the Truth Thursday prompt to get you started. for your minutes, you can meditate on the characteristics of God… so the prompt for today is:

GOD IS…

INSTRUCTIONS FOR TRUTH THURSDAY:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

++++

So, about Day 1… it’s normal, except that my phone buzzes every hour to remind me. Since this has already been a habit anyway, it didn’t really break my stride. But I love it every time my phone rings with the reminder.

I attended the midweek service at WinMakati as usual. And I take the time to sit in my car for a few deep breaths and a prayer. This is supposed to be a secret, but since it’s part of the experiment now, I might as well share it… I’m always anxious and nervous whenever I go to church. Not because I’m not sure if I should stay, but it’s just part of the post-break up process, I guess… the dread. hahaha! But as soon as I’m inside and just hanging out, the nervousness go away and everything is all right in the world again.

Consciously praying more now also helps me see the need and be more sensitive to the need around me. Which is cool.

Ok, I’m sleepy and tired now, but I can’t wait for tomorrow. It has no mistakes in it yet.

i was a zombie at work yesterday (kahiya), still recovering from last week. I’ll blog about my marvelous week soon.

For the meantime, I want to tell you guys that I’m going on the 60-60 Experiment. I stumbled upon a book called Soul Revolution last week in OMF and browsed through it, getting that feeling that I usually do when I know I should get the book. Anyway, I bought it last night and just started on it before stopping to send you an invite to join me.

See, I’ve been a Christian all my life (and became a Christ-follower as well when I was eight years old) and every day since then has been a great and awesome journey. Well, I’m nearly thirty now (grabe no?) and I’ve seen God do wonders in my life and in other people’s lives as well. Every day, God’s been showing me just how much bigger He is compared to my concept of BIG (and I thought I already thought He’s BIG). Well, I want to see how much BIGGER He could get  but stepping it up with my faith even a bit more.

Anyway, I’m inviting you guys to do it with me. Can’t go on an awesome journey by myself right? Check out the website for more information on the 60-60 Experiment and let me know. I’ll be updating my blog as I go along, but it would be great to have some people with me so we can swap stories. Leave a comment and a link to your blog if you have decided to commit to this.

For the people who miss Truth Thursdays, I’ll be posting the questions and insights on Thursdays in lieu of our tradition so you can hop in.

Ready?

An asteroid supposedly passed between the moon and the Earth today, according to this article on CBS news who sourced it from another article in Yahoo! news. It stated:

The asteroid, called 2010 GA6, is a relatively small space rock about 71 feet (22 meters) wide and was discovered by astronomers with the Catalina Sky Survey in Tucson, Az. The space rock will fly within the orbit of the moon when it passes Earth Thursday at 7:06 p.m. EDT (2306 GMT), but NASA astronomers said not to worry…the planet is safe.

Apparently, these kinds of “fly-bys” happen more often than we think, in fact, the last one was just last January.

Vanity Fair called it “pure luck” that the world didn’t end today.

This makes sense as, actually, scientists estimate that the Earth most likely won’t be destroyed until at least 2014, when an asteroid that “could have the effect of 20 million Hiroshima atomic bombs” will approach (and, you know, maybe hit!) the planet.

With all the earthquakes and wars and civil unrest all over the world, plus the weather going haywire and the Global Warming, of course we have to ask, “Is this it? Is the end really coming?”

What if it is? How are you going to live your life knowing the end is near?

If the world stopped spinning
If the end was beginning
Would you even notice if i wasn’t there?
If the world stopped spinning around

(Plumb, Candycoated Waterdrops)

I was reading this yesterday from A Slice of Infinity and thought that this would be a good share for today.

Where was God in all this darkness and blood and suffering? He was right there… even in the darkest of events in history, He brings us out to the other side, to be a testimony of the power of forgiveness over retribution.

Dead People Walking

In war-torn relationships of Northern Uganda, forgiveness is complicated.  Betty was a teenager when her village was raided by the Lord’s Resistance Army, a rebel army known for its brutal tactics and widespread human rights violations.  She was kidnapped as a sex slave for a commander and ordered to commit callous acts of violence as a child soldier, until gradually she was broken and became an active member of the LRA.

After six years of bloodshed, however, Betty managed to escape, running across the country to freedom.  But coming home would not be a simple matter of returning.  She had committed violence against the very people she hoped to rejoin.  Her own guilt and shame was as palpable as the mistrust and anger of her village.  In her absence, two of her own brothers had been killed by the same army Betty fought alongside.

In the midst of such loss, with so many permanent scars, forgiveness might seem hopeful, but perhaps naïve at best.  Is reconciliation even to be desired when brokenness is irreversible?  Does forgiveness cease to be hopeful when neither party can ever be the same again?

The people of Uganda believe it is.  For hundreds and hundreds of children like Betty, terrorized by crimes they were forced to commit and returning home to terrorized villages, tribal elders have adapted a ceremony to make it possible for both.  In a ceremony that includes the act of breaking and stepping on an egg and an opobo branch, the returnee is cleansed from the things he or she has done while away.  The egg symbolizes innocent life, and by breaking and placing themselves in its broken substance, returnees declare before their village their desire to be restored to the way they used to be.  In a final step over a pole, the returnees step into new life.  In many cases, women returnees come home with babies who were born in the bush, usually a result of rape.  When they arrive at the broken egg, the child’s foot is placed in the substance, too.  The spirit of reconciliation, like warfare, must touch everyone.

In a single weekend, Christians have just remembered the crucifixion of Jesus, his burial on Good Friday, the silence of Holy Saturday, and the terror and amazement of Easter Sunday.  In a weekend, we were reminded how the disciples failed him miserably, falling asleep when he needed them most in prayer, denying ever knowing him as he was convicted for being himself, watching him die alone from a distance.  In a weekend, Christians moved from recognizing ourselves in this list of failures to sensing the hopeful confusion of the disciples, the overwhelm of Thomas, and the timid longing of the women at the tomb.  In a single weekend, we moved from complete despair to shocking hope, total darkness to surprising light, the finality of death to the last word of resurrection, from broken and sinful to restored and forgiven.

In this solitary weekend, Christians remember a story that should make the bold and touching forgiveness of war-torn Ugandans seem natural, expected, and necessary, however shocking or complicated or slow-coming it might be.  After the egg-breaking ceremony, Betty went from rebel to ex-rebel, shamed to restored.  “I feel cleansed,” she said of the ceremony.  After a day of being welcomed and celebrated, she adds, “Some of the bad things in my heart: they are gone.”(1)  Alex Boraine, deputy chair of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, notes of such radical forgiveness: “[With its] uncomfortable commitment to bringing the perpetrator back into the family, Africa has something to say to the world.”(2)

Indeed, so does Christ Jesus.  In one eventful weekend, we remember the ugly depths of our sin and stare into the deep scars of the servant who bore it away.  This utter shift in our condition is as overwhelming as Good Friday, as dumbfounding as Holy Saturday, and as inconceivable as Easter Sunday.  But it is our ceremony.  Christ is broken, we are covered in his blood, and we emerge as dead men and women walking.  How beyond our knowing, that in the Father’s inexplicable mercy and loving-kindness, to redeem a slave, He gave a Son.  Yet because God did, in a weekend, we can claim again the mystery; we can claim the power of reconciliation; we can claim Christ, who moves us from perpetrator to family.
Jill Carattini is managing editor of A Slice of Infinity at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

(1) Abe McLaughlin, “Africa After War: Paths To Forgiveness—Ugandans Welcome ‘Terrorists’ Back” International Center for Transitional Justice, October 23, 2006.
(2) Ibid.

Back to work! It’s so funny how the line to the parking lot here in ABS-CBN is a whole block long when I got in! Normally, there’s still no lines at this time (9am). I guess, after Holy Week, everyone felt the work and deadlines piling up already. But I don’t want to leave Holy Week just yet for today’s reflection. After all, I was in camp for Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Black Saturday.

So let me tell you about camp– we called it Re-Creation. Not just because it was at Caliraya Re-creation center, hehe. But we focused on the transformative power of Salvation. These kids are mostly church-grown and have been going to Sunday School, only a few of them know what it’s like not to be a Christian. Their age range is from 12-16, with the college volunteers (that I handled) are 18-24. In our small groups, I was surprised how most of them aren’t even sure if they’re saved or not. And despite the lecture sessions (we had four- rebirth, regeneration, refocus, re-creation), some of them still have the wrong idea about how they could be saved. I was rather concerned when my college volunteer small group leader confessed to her group that she’s “not saved yet, but in the process of being saved.”

I wonder if some of us still think of our salvation is like that.

Anyway, that was my cue to swoop in and clarify that we get saved when we repent from our sins and accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, the moment we do that– that’s when we receive salvation, then the sanctification process follows. (Of course, I didn’t use the technical terms.) Salvation is not a process of years, like a college course, where if we fail, we won’t get a diploma.

But ultimately, who am I to say who is saved or not? It’s between the person’s heart and God, right? But shouldn’t it be seen in our lives if Jesus is in it or not? What’s the use of a relationship with the God of the Universe if we’re going to keep it private or just scheduled on Sundays?!

So what do you think?

I’ll be gone for a youth camp I’m helping out in Union Church over the Holy Weekend. I wasn’t supposed to say yes to it anymore because I just wanted to get some rest, but after talking to the camp director, I just realized that I had to do it. She said that she believes I could teach these kids about service, by showing them at the camp how it is to serve. I’m not going to speak at a session, but I’m going to lead by example.

I wanted to tell her that she’s got the wrong girl. That all I wanted in the world is to just sit on my butt and have everything brought over to me. I want to be the center of attention every time. I want to be taken care of. I want a driver to drive me around. I want a man to worship the ground that I walk on. I want everything to come easy and fast so I wouldn’t have to work or wait.

Even as I am writing this, I know how wrong that sounds. Hahaha. I guess that’s why I said yes to the camp. I guess I have a lot to learn about being a servant too– by being one, and by being accountable to the dozen+ volunteers that I’m supposed to supervise in the three day camp. So I suppose that’s why I said yes.

Right now, I’m thinking about Jesus, who, in the night when all the authority of heaven has been given to him, took a towel, wrapped it around his waist and knelt down to wash his disciples’ feet. The Son of God doing the lowliest of the tasks for a servant–a job nobody wanted to do– to show His disciples that this how they should be to one another. (John 13: 1-20)

This is His brand of love. And the world would know that we are his disciples by how we love each other. Pride and arrogance will tear us apart, the desire to be recognized for our service is going to ruin us. But Jesus’ love builds each other up.

Of course, it’s not literally washing each others’ feet. But it’s the spirit of humility and willingness to put others first before ourselves. It doesn’t look good most of the time, and the world’s not going to understand it, but this is how it is. We are not performing for the world (even if we do know that they’re watching us), but we’re serving God. We can’t just look the part, we have to be it.

I guess what I want to say is that I pray that we Christians would take on the heart of a servant. To be willing to go the extra mile for each other and others, to go beyond our comfort zones to reach out to people. To be the solution. To serve, even when nobody is watching.

I know that it feels good to be recognized by what we do. The applause and standing ovation is cool. The accolades are just super. But that’s not what Jesus called us to.

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph. 3:10)

Just think of our Father in Heaven, smiling at us as we go about the work of the Kingdom here. There may be no medals in the immediate future, I just want one thing– that when it’s time for me to go home and stand before Him, I would hear my Father say, “Well done.” That would be more than enough for me.