As the eldest sister in our family, I grew up with my parents leaving me in charge whenever they were away. I’ve gotten so
used to being officially bossy that I actually became really bossy and started telling, not just my siblings, but also my friends and people to behave, be good, do what is right, do what you’re told. I would take it personally whenever they would get in trouble after warning them about it. It became such a burden for me, that I would often cry to God, “Why won’t they listen to me?!”

Yep. That was me. I apologize for the me from ten years ago, and for whenever bossy me pops out.

These days God and I have been working on the living with the tension between truth and love, to embrace the messiness of lives that are still in progress. This world we live in is broken and messy and it is God’s job to transform lives and for growth, not ours. As His co-workers (naks! Isn’t that awesome?!), our jobs are to plant the seeds and create the right soil for growth.

Are we creating a good environment for people to grow closer to and stronger in the Lord? Growth, as you know, is a messy process, filled with joys, spills and scrapes, triumphs and mistakes. Outward appearances and actions often hide what is going on beneath a person’s defenses. Are we quick to judge, to point out others’ mistakes and slow to forgive and accept people as they come? Or are we creating a place of absolute safety for the people among us and for the ones who are seeking Jesus?

My prayer is that we continue to learn how to love, just as Jesus loved, with arms open wide for people who are the least like Him, the sinners– like you and me.

M: How’s it been?

Me: Good. A little busy. A little lonely. A little awesome. GOOD.

M: That’s good. Aww… a little lonely? (Haha thought of lonely island just now)

Me: Haha. Yep. That’s me. Stef, the lonely island.

M: Do you see this as a ‘problem’ that needs to be solved?

Me: Not really. It’s more like a season for me. I know I’ll eventually drift back into a continent someday.

M: Yeah totally understand that season. Enjoy drifting! I just love the unplanned surprises that fall along the way. That’s the awesome part.

“He’s dead! What are we going to do now?”

“I don’t know… I don’t know.”

“I’m scared. What if they come for us next?”

“Didn’t He tell us that this was going to happen?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it would be that bad!”

“We need to get out of Jerusalem, as soon as possible.”

“I thought God was on His side. Why did He let this happen to Him?”

“Didn’t Jesus say that He was His Son?”

“And I thought He was the Messiah.”

“Me too.”

“What are we going to do now?”

“I don’t know.”

(imagining the first Black Saturday)

 

⁴¹ As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it ⁴² and said, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. ⁴³ The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. ⁴⁴ They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God’s coming to you.”

Can we start all over?

This afternoon, over late lunch after an event, one of my companions mentioned that she saw a tweet from Adam Levine (of Maroon 5) that he just shaved his head as an “emotional reboot,” and we all speculated why he would tweet such a thing? Did he and his girlfriend breakup and shaving his head is his version of a breakup haircut? But whether or not it was a breakup reboot that he meant, what he tweeted is actually a good idea—a reboot.

At some point in our lives (or several points) we all would want a reboot, to start all over again minus the mistakes from the first go. Whether we got it or not, well, that’s a whole different thing all together. But remember those times when we just kick ourselves over mistakes that we’ve made years before or just a minute ago and WISH with all our might that it had never happened? I know I have a couple of years in my past that I wish I could just take an eraser to and just wipe all of those days away.

But the past never goes away, does it? It trails behind us like a snagged thread from a sweater and when you try to free yourself from it, the more you get tangled up in it. I don’t know if it’s happened to you, the sweater thing and the past thing, but it has with me.

Whenever I find myself getting entangled in the past again, I go back to a verse in the Bible (2 Corinthians 5:17) that says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come; the old has gone and the new is here!” Old sins (whether it be from years back to a minute ago) are not counted against me anymore because of Christ who has reconciled me (us!) with God.

So why should I hold my sins against myself anymore? We can’t start all over again (not literally, or not in the way we usually wish we could), but our past is not—does not have to—be a burden to us anymore. Christ has set us free!  Past mistakes are redeemed to be lessons learned and wisdom imparted. Nothing is wasted when it comes to God.

So we keep on moving forward on to new things without having to start all over again.

p.s.

ChurchNow is a gathering at McDonald’s Greenbelt 1 every first and third Wednesdays of the month. At 7-9pm. It’s not a private event and everybody’s welcome!

I first started blogging in 2003, mainly so I could get used to writing for an audience.

I’ve been keeping a journal since sixth grade, so writing about myself and my thoughts have never been an issue. Writing for myself was easy. I didn’t have to make an effort to be understood, or to be grammatically correct. In the privacy of my journal, I wrote down my observations and opinions of other people without any fear of hurting their feelings or being wrong. But blogging… I didn’t know who was reading. It scared me a little, yet I wanted to be read. It thrilled me whenever people would comment on my blog (this was before twitter and facebook, mind you, and I don’t think you could plug your blog in Friendster), but word got around and soon I had a community of readers whose blogs I read too.

(I even sort of met my 2^nd boyfriend through my blog—he commented on nearly every post, even if I hadn’t met him yet. When we met, it was like we had known each other for a long time already because of our blogs.)

Blogging changed the way I wrote—especially now. It streamlined my thoughts and the topics I wrote about. While I am far from pandering to my audiences (I never knew exactly what they wanted me to write about anyway), I sometimes write about things that they expected, what they said they liked reading. I stopped mentioning real names, unless with permission, and in a way, have taken a blogging persona that, while is not too far from the everyday me, is someone who is much more glib, wiser (I do try), more interesting, and godlier (because it is called Godspotted, after all). I don’t know if this how it should be, but it’s becoming this way.

And don’t get me started on Twitter and Facebook.

As Christians, whether we mean to or not, correct me if I’m wrong here, we do play to an audience too, right? Or even if we don’t, we are very conscious of the people who know that we are Christians, and in a way, this makes us be better people than we would have been. We dress more modestly, we don’t say bad words (unless by accident), we don’t drink (or drink too much), and we try to be nicer than most people.

In Hebrews 12:1 it says, “We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses…” And we are. People are watching. Most of the time, people only care when we screw up. But much like Jeremy Lin, Tim Tebow (look him up, he’s a Christian football player), and Manny Pacquiao (who had just recently announced that he’s been born-again), we bear the name of Christ into a world that holds us under a higher standard just because we say we are Christians. They might not subscribe to what Jesus is all about, but they do measure us up against his teachings, and have some sort of investment in us when we succeed or fail at it.

Weird huh?

We certainly know we are Christians. And we know—much more of what goes on behind the scenes than the rest of the world does—how much we struggle, fail and screw up in being one. Hence, we are a lot harder on ourselves sometimes.

Being a Christian is a tricky balance that we need to pull off every day.  We are encouraged at church to live for the Audience of One, but we certainly shouldn’t ignore the “multitude of witnesses” that surrounds us wherever we go. How then, can we sanely go about it?

Jesus, with his beatitudes (All of Matthew 5-7), has outlined for us how to be his followers in this world. It’s hard, and sometimes it’s like it’s against commonsense, but Jesus says that we are wise if we do what he says.

In his letter to Titus, Paul said that the same saving grace that was given to us also enables us to do obey God and do what is right (Titus 2:11-12). Every principle that we need to navigate through this world is found in the Bible. We are equipped to live a life that is both pleasing to God and man.

Of course, this doesn’t make it any easier. Jesus never said that it would be. But He also said that He has overcome the world, and He is with us, until the end of the age.

Hebrews 12: 1 continues, “…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

So let’s keep on blogging, working, running, walking, and living!

Why?!

I mean, basketball fans, I can understand, but after only two weeks and seven consecutive wins, he’s got the world (at least the parts of it with internet and isn’t at war or famine) watching and cheering him on. What is it about this kid that makes us connect to him?

My guess is hope.

And hope come from character, which comes from perseverance, which comes from suffering (Romans 5:3-6), and everyone in this world, in our own way, knows about suffering. From the baby who just got out of the warmth of his mother’s womb and just rudely pushed out into the cold and bright world (no wonder babies cry when they get out), to old people who are slowly breathing their last, suffering and struggle are there all the way. And this is true for EVERYONE, Christian or not, living in developed countries or not. Some suffer more than others, of course, but what keeps us going and pushing, straining against the tension, even fighting against quitting? It is hope. Hope that this too shall pass. Hope that we can get over it. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope that there is reward when all the struggling is over. Even the most despondent of people can open their eyes and keep on breathing. Most of us still get off the bed even if we don’t feel like it. Bridges are finished. Work gets done. Fat is exercised away and muscles are built. Games are won. Our mothers still love us.

Just as we cheer whenever someone like Lin pushes and shines through his suffering through perseverance, we feel that it is a tragedy whenever someone gives up. Suicides, euthanasia, quitting, breakups, divorces are all tragic because it means that someone has let go of hope. Of course, hope, perseverance, character and suffering are all measured differently in each person so we can’t– and shouldn’t compare. We can only encourage each other to go on, to keep moving forward, and to never give up hope. Whatever hope that they may hold on to. Our hope is the kind that never fails or puts us to shame (it’s Jeremy Lin’s brand of hope too!) because of God’s love that has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit given to us through Jesus Christ. This is the hope that the world needs, our perseverance through sufferings, and the joy that we have despite all evidence contrary speaks volumes in a world desperate for this fuel that they need to never give up.

I tried hitting the ground running this new year, but I kinda stumbled over myself and spent the first few days metaphorically on my butt, dazed on the ground with metaphorical scrapes on my chin and elbows, and the taste of dirt in my mouth. On hindsight, I didn’t end last year all that well, mainly for the fact that I was just glad to make it to the end alive.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m trying not to succumb to all the helpful words from well-meaning individuals who tell me, “Napag-iwanan ka na. (You got left behind.)” Because my youngest sister is getting married next weekend. I’ve got all these snappy comebacks ready, but I do get tired of hearing them and forcing a fake smile on my face whenever I do. My family tells me to just let it go out of the other ear, but it’s getting to the point where I wonder if I’m just kidding myself whenever I think that I’m quite happy with my status right now. (Sometimes I get scared that I’m too content, because while being single at this age is pretty good, I do would like to move on from this level.)

But what if– what if I did miss the boat, the flight, or whatever it is they’re equivalent to in life, and I’m stuck here–to be always in the midst of transition, in the period of adjustment, a plan that’s always in the works? To exist in limbo.

(Oh, God.)

My greatest fear is being a permanent potential, having a great promise that is never fulfilled. Much like a lot of my essays and stories that are never finished or routines started that just never caught on.

But.

Of course there’s a but. I grew up knowing my Creator is a God who finishes His creation. He sees everything through, from beginning until the end. And even while I don’t feel it right now, He has set my life on forward motion. To where exactly, and how– I don’t know. But I do know that I’d be even more lost without Him.

To be even more honest (I’m trying to be more honest this year too), as I am slowly sifting through my life to get rid of the clutter (sometimes it’s like my life is built around the clutter), I’m feeling less and less sure about myself. It’s an odd feeling for me to not know of what to do or what I can do, and I’m getting acquainted with this feeling more and more these days.

I wish I could just fast forward to the day when all lessons have been learned and I’m done adjusting, and I’ve finally arrived at the place where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I would actually pray that (worth the shot). But God always says the same thing,

“My grace is enough for your weakness. Today.”

And by this same grace I’m finding out just how enough it is.

You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up at everyone.
You wanted to be a princess.
You thought you were a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted to be a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.
You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.
You wanted to be a Veterinarian.
You wanted to be President.
You wanted to be the President’s Veterinarian.
You were picked last for the team.
You were the best one on the team.
You refused to be on the team.
You wanted to be good in algebra.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted the boys to notice you.
You were afraid the boys would notice you.

You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.
You wouldn’t wear a bra.
You couldn’t wait to wear a bra.
You couldn’t fit into a bra.
You didn’t like the way you looked.
You didn’t like the way your parents looked.
You didn’t want to grow up.
You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You had your second best friend.
You had your second first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You got kissed.
You got to kiss back.
You went to the prom.
You didn’t go to the prom.
You went to the prom with the wrong person.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You lost your best friend.
You lost your other best friend.
You really fell in love.
You became a steady girlfriend.
You became a significant other.

YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.

Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it’s time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it’s never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.
JUST DO IT.