on God and disappointment

I just want to share what my friend, Anj, emailed author Philip Yancey about being disappointed in God. I’m sure we all had been disappointed at one time or another– but is it ok if God is in the mix? I’m not saying this is the end-all and be-all, but I love it that Anj was honest and willing to go further in her understanding about this issue.

Dear Mr. Yancey,

guest blogger: anj

I just needed to ask you a question that a friend and I have been arguing about for a while now. We were discussing disappointment and trusting God and my friend basically said that if you trust God or if you consult him on all areas of decision-making, it’s possible to never feel disappointed with the answers he gives you, because your trust is complete and whole in him. However, just from my experience I believe that its possible to be disappointed with God’s answer but to trust that his way is right and true and to obey despite your personal desires. Does that mean my trust in him is not complete? Because I occasionally still feel disappointment?

I know you’re a busy man and probably won’t have the time to respond to this but I hope you do. I have felt an enormous amount of condemnation regarding this and although I have read my Bible nothing has jumped out that has been a clear word on this. I’m not looking to be proven right. I just want to get some perspective from someone who seems to have more insight on this.

Thanks very much!

Angie N.

and this was his reply (she got it this morning)

Dear Anjie Nandwani,

In an attempt to maintain some control over my time (mostly futile, I admit), I do not use email.  But I am borrowing this one to respond to you.  It’s an unmonitored address, for outgoing mail only, so please do not reply to this address.

Your letter was a “grace note” of encouragement to me.  We writers work in isolation, with little idea of the impact of our work.  Responses like yours keep me going, and I thank you for taking the time and effort to write me.

It is my firm belief and personal experience that God does not want us to turn into automatons when we decide to follow him.  I believe God wants us to come to him with our whole heart, soul and mind, not leaving anything of ourselves stuffed in a closet or relegated to the back shelf.  Therefore, we will bring the struggles of our will vs. his will to the relationship with God, just as in any other relationship. I can think of numerous examples in the Bible where this was true, and the person involved was disappointed but chose to accept God’s will over his own.  Think of Paul and his thorn in the flesh.  Or of David, longing and pleading for his and Bathsheba’s son not to die.  Or Abraham and Sarah wanting a child before they were old and gray.  We can go on on and on with the examples of deferred gratification in favor of God’s best.  The best response to your question is to recommend the book of Psalms: it’s full of disappointment, even anger, yet has been the believers’ prayer book through the centuries.  That says it well, I think.

I respect your friends’ point of view, but I like yours better.  Listen to your own heart, Anjie.  You can trust it.

Philip Yancey

are you there God?

makati underpass

station one

(from in-indie.org) Ondoy's destruction

my parents

caution: work in progress (an open letter to an old friend)

dear Melissa,

I don’t know if you still remember me, but we used to be classmates in fifth grade. I was the new kid in class and I didn’t know who to talk to. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my pink shirt and jeans outfit. My oversize glasses seemed like a good idea back then. Looking at my pictures now, it wasn’t. Your smile was the first direct acknowledgment of my presence in that strange classroom. You motioned me to the empty seat beside you and introduced yourself to me.

It didn’t take too long for me to know why the seat beside you was vacant. The other girls in class– at least the more outspoken ones, the pretty girls with their neat ponytails, and the teacher’s favorites– loudly demanded why I chose to sit with you. I saw why. In first few weeks of school, they taunted you, they made you yell, throw things in anger, and make a fool out of yourself while they laughed. They said you were sick, that’s why they tried their best to make you angry. It was funny when you got angry.

I remember standing up for you– for a while. I couldn’t understand why they would treat you like this. You were my only friend in class. The girls gave me hell for it. Soon, they started calling me names and hating me. That was a new experience for me. I had always gotten along with everybody before, and just stayed out of people’s way if I think they could hurt me. It was weird because this was my first time to be in a Christian school too. This was how Christian kids behaved in a Christian school?

I don’t know how it eventually happened, but the same girls who used to yell how much they hate me in front of the class became my friends. I even got invited to a sleepover with them.

Then I started noticing just how different you were from us, how much bigger you were than the rest of us. I noticed the funny way you talked and walked. I laughed when the boys made you cry. I didn’t want to be seen with you anymore. I moved two seats up front, with the popular girls and never looked back.

You moved to another school the next year. I didn’t see you anymore, but sometimes I remember you and I wonder how you are now. Did you make friends in your new school? Did they treat you better than we ever did? Did you get better? Did you lose weight? Did you move out of the country, or maybe you’re working in the same city I live in now? Do we shop in the same mall? Did you fall in love with a man who loves you back? Are you happy now?

I tried looking for you online, but I haven’t found you yet. I guess you wouldn’t like it if I brought this all up if ever I do find you. I wouldn’t want anybody else to bring it up for me. We weren’t nice to you at all. I wish I had stuck up for you, but it’s too late to take any of that back now.

I guess I just want to say I’m sorry. We didn’t know any better, and I’m glad that I’m not like that now. I’m sure we’ve both gone a long way since then. For that I’m really grateful.

Anyway, thanks for being nice to the new kid. God bless you, wherever you are today.

For Cory

“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.”
Romans 13:1

“Unity is a rare thing in our country; we have it now; and adding to the feelings of grief is the wistful realization that it took the passing of Cory to reunite a divided nation.”
- Inquirer editorial, August 2, 2009

“Our existence deforms the universe, that’s responsibility.”
-Delirium of the Endless

I got the news of Cory’s death from Manu. I was having my lunch last Saturday in KFC. I worked in ABS CBN, a network that pretty much owes its existence to her, but I didn’t get the news from any of my colleagues. Maybe they thought everyone should’ve known by then– including me, who didn’t have a TV or radio at our flat. The world changed, and I got the news late.

For all my opinions about how she was as an administrator, God put Cory Aquino in power. A housewife, a mother, a widow, she changed the political landscape of our country. She was a remarkable woman.

As I watch the TV coverage of the cortege of Cory traveling down EDSA, of the outpouring of emotion and love from the people out there on the streets, I just have to say this:

I love my country. I love being a Filipino everyday (which is not the same as being proud to be one every day). I often despair about the state of our politics, government, and society. I often wonder what it would be like if we all work together for the good of our country, to sacrifice, to have a vision for the Philippines, to have hope for our country and our people. Will we find out in this lifetime? I hope that it would happen nonetheless, someday, in the near future.

For now, thank you, Lord, for the life of Cory Aquino.

changing seasons part 1

A year ago, this was a season of changes and beginnings. 2008 was a great year, we’ve acquired a brother-in-law, I met new friends, had a new vision and direction for my life and writing, an exciting ministry at Station One. I was at that point where I loved being single, which is not to say I didn’t have lonely moments or wished for some romance in my life, but I let God take care of that department. He has a far better taste in men for me than I do. I was doing a lot of freelance work that didn’t pay a lot, just enough, and I had a lot of time to do other things that interested me.

A year and a half ago, I was preparing to go to Bible school in the States. I was so sure that I was supposed to go– even with all the worries about how I’m going to afford it, how I’m going to live there, the student visa, and all that. I was so sure, and I was really getting ready to go.

Two months and a year ago, Jacs told me about the opening for a managing editor position in Metro Society, would I like to send my resume and sample works? Even if I was leaving for Bible school, I thought, “Why not?” I didn’t think I would get it, but it would be cool to see if they would actually consider me– a career freelancer, with no managing editorial blood in her veins– for the job. They called me for an interview. I met the Editor-in-Chief, told him the craziest things, only half-caring if he liked me for the job or not, but I liked him and thought that it would be cool to work with him. A couple of weeks later, they called me up to tell me I got the job.

Nearly two months and a year ago, I cried over my journal while writing down the pros and cons about getting the job vs. going to Bible School. They led to two different futures. Jen, my small group leader, patted me on the back to calm me down said, “Both of them are good things. God will be with you whichever path you choose.” And so I made my choice. The next morning, Dad breathed a sigh of relief when I told him I would stay and take the job.

A year ago yesterday, I walked into Station One and Law bounced up to me announcing gleefully, “Guess who’s here?!” A slightly familiar-looking guy in a tight shirt stood in front of me, smiling, but not saying anything. I squinted at him and said, “Anton?” He frowned and said, “No, I’m Manu!” We had never been formally introduced, but I knew him as that skinny kid back in high school a year ahead of us. I think I only said a sentence to him the whole time we were in highschool, but that night last year, we talked and poked fun at each other like old friends. I got his number but I didn’t give him mine until I texted him on the way home last night. I knew I had found a fun new friend who just kept on texting me.

A year ago today, Manu, through text and YM, revealed that he used to be a chef before going full time in the ministry as the Associate Pastor of WinMakati. Since I was cooking dinner that night, we collaborated for dinner via instant messaging. He told me to put beer with cream and fish roe for the pasta sauce. It was an epic fail.

Two days later last year was my first day in Metro Society. It was raining, and we had our first editorial training session. We learned the importance of cover blurbs, I met the other people in the office. For the first time, I felt that I was part of something big. So big that apart from Jacs and Metro Society’s editorial staff, I didn’t remember any of the names of the people that day.

Same day last year, Passion, the worship concert and youth conference, came to the Philippines. I rushed from ABS CBN to Ultra to meet my friends. I got separated from Tim and Deus– they got seats up front. I met up with the CFAC people at the end of the line. We ended up sitting up on the cheap seats to the right side of the stage. It was a good view, I didn’t mind. All this time, I was texting with Manu, who was on his way to the same event with his best friends and churchmates. We tried to figure out where each other was in that coliseum, it wasn’t until after a few songs into the concert that I saw this guy in a black shirt, just down our row, standing up while texting. I texted Manu to look to his left, and sure enough it was him. Some time during the concert, I lost my seat to a couple of old ladies and had to sit uncomfortably on a bar over our row. Manu saw me and made me sit with them (he happened to have an empty spot beside him). I didn’t want my CFAC friends to think that something’s going on between me and Manu, so I left him as soon as the concert was over. But even then, I knew something was brewing, on Manu’s part, at least. haha

2008 became even more interesting from then on.

For these past few days, I’m reminded of how God can change my plans and if I let Him, He can show me His plans– a future that is far beyond what I deserve. Thank God for retrospection, for the faith I needed at that time to go along with Him, even if His plans were so different from mine. Last night, at small group, when Grace asked me what my prayer request was, I couldn’t really think of any, other than my health (eventually I found some things I need to pray for though). She said, a matter-of-factly, “You’re so blessed, Stef.” I thought about it, grinned, and finally admitted, “Yes, I’m blessed.”

Amazingly so.

To the Men of My Life

My dear brothers,

I know Who created you, that’s why I expect so much from you guys.

And to my dad, who set the bar really high for the men in my life.

_________

When God wants to drill a man, and thrill a man, and skill a man
when God wants to mold a man to play the noblest part
when He yearns with all His heart to create a great and so bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed
watch His methods, watch His ways.

How He ruthlessly perfects whom He royally elects
How He hammers him and hurts him and with mighty blows converts him
into trial shapes of clay that only God understands
while his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands.

How He bends but never breaks when His good He undertakes
How He uses whom He chooses and with every purpose fuses him;
By every act induces him to try His splendor out,
God knows what He’s about.

(Anonymous)

- repost from December 19, 2007