How are you?
You know already. But… Can I just lie and say, “I’m ok?”
Ok… so, I’m not really THAT ok. I mean, I’m working hard to look ok, because, I don’t know– I just don’t want people to think that I’m not…ok…um
Because that takes a longer answer.
Yes. And I’m tired.
Why are you tired?
Because I have to look ok, when I’m not.
You already said that.
So? How are you, really?
I’m… hiding. I don’t know why, but for some reason, my defenses are up, and I don’t want anybody to come near me. I think they know the truth– but I don’t want them to confirm it. I’m scared that they might see how hideouspathetic I am, and leave.
But, since the walls came up, I have been very very lonely. Because nobody comes by to see me anymore–and I can’t see them. But the lonelier I get, the higher the walls get. And I bury myself with work. A lot of work. So much work, I can’t do all of it anymore.
I don’t want this anymore! And I know what to do, it’s just that I’m afraid that if I do it, I’ll be left really vulnerable and exposed…and that scares me.
But then, it begs the question–what am I so afraid of that I have to defend myself from it? Would it be so bad for people to find out just how weak and how needful (needy) I am?
(Come to think of it, yes– it was bad before, when people did, and they left, because they couldn’t handle a needful (needy) weak Stef. But maybe it’s because they’re not used to it… because I always fight to look ok even when I’m not…
But I knew, all this time. And I’m still here.
I know you knew. And I know you’re still here. But you don’t count.
For that very reason! You don’t leave! I know you’ll always be there, so you don’t count.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that you don’t count that way… I mean, you’re the most important one of all. But, oh. You know what I mean!
I do. But I think you needed to hear yourself say it.
How do you put up with me?
Because I love you.
I know. And that’s why you don’t count…
I’msorry. I suck.
It’s ok. I still love you. And you won’t suck all the time.
That’s a relief.
I’m working on it.
I know… but why are you taking so long?!
This isn’t too long. Compared to eternity.
I know. We’ve talked about this already. I’m trying to get it… it’s just… Oh, you know how stubborn I can get!
Yes. I do.
But you still love me?
Yes. A million times. Yes.
I love you too.
So, what happens now?
We break down the walls. I think… I need it more than I am scared of them being down. And, because I know you want them to be down, even if you’re not saying it.
But. I can’t do it on my own.
This moment of vulnerability is brought to you by Truth Thursdays.