I’m sick. For the first time since February, I felt unwell and woozy. I’ve been feeling this since Friday, but thank God, I managed to go through my to-do list (two shoots and an interview, plus SAM WinMakati’s First Friday Fellowship) and even got to bond with one of my writers, Yvette Tan.

I’m one of those people who subscribe to the belief that every illness has a deeper meaning other than my body stalling because it’s overworked. And I always think that this is God’s way of making me rest. It turns out to be more than that.

Today is a Sunday and I can’t go to church because my head hurts, I feel my vertigo trying to resurface, and my throat is all scratchy. I should be sleeping, but instead, I chose to listen to a podcast of Northpoint’s last Sunday’s preaching by Jeff Henderson and he talked about God’s thumbprints on us– our gifts. What struck me is that we can actually neglect our gifts, and Paul warned Timothy (and essentially us) that there is a danger of that happening. For some reason, I just started sobbing at that point.

Do not neglect the spiritual gift you received through the prophecy spoken over you when the elders of the church laid their hands on you. Give your complete attention to these matters. Throw yourself into your tasks so that everyone will see your progress. (1 Timothy 4:14-15)

There it is. That’s the reason for this time.

See, I’m a writer, a good one–I’ve been told by a lot of people since fifth grade that I am. (Funny enough, one of my favorite professors also said that while I am a good writer, I’m also a lazy one. And I found out that it’s true, even if I didn’t accept it at that time.) I finished Creative Writing at the University of the Philippines. I started getting paid to write when I was a college freshman.  Now, I make a living by writing, and editing. Throughout all this, I’ve been asking God if this is what I’m supposed to be doing, and while there is no burning bush or a voice from heaven that told me that I’m supposed to be a writer, I guess my life and work so far are answers enough. This is my gift and my calling.

But I think I’ve neglected it along the way.

I used to tell people that I’m a writer, but writing’s the hardest thing in the world for me to do. It wasn’t always like this, but I’ve lost my joy for it somewhere between giving up journalism and graduating from Creative Writing.

I’m burned out.  I look at an empty page with dread now and with the desire to do something else other than write (an impulse I usually obey unless the deadline cannot be ignored anymore).

So I’m still writing.

And oh, how painfully laborious it is for me to finish an article or even a blog post! That’s why I love twitter and facebook status messages– they require so little of my words and time!

The ironic thing is, writing is always at the top of my mind in everything. Whatever I experience, think, hear, read or stumble upon– I want to write it down. It doesn’t mean that I do get to write them down all the time, but that’s what I want to do with everything that goes my way– WRITE ABOUT IT.

The thing is, I love to experience, talk, think, read, listen to so many things that they just pile up, on top of my writing jobs (that I love so very much) that I end up putting them off for the next time I feel writing– which I hardly ever happens until the deadlines start whooshing past.

But when I do write, I feel the rightness of it. And yes, I do feel His delight when I let the words just flow out on the page. And it always feels so good to finish a piece.
So back to this sickly weekend… Last Friday, I made myself an epitaph for our SAM FFF. I already had a design in mind, but suddenly, I changed it. Instead of stars and other pretty things, I just drew a door notice that says, “The Writer is out.” And I just thought that it was weird that I wanted to label myself as a writer even after I’m dead.

I was still thinking about it throughout Saturday because it sounded brash and assuming, and I’m more of an editor now than a writer. And I felt ashamed for all the articles that are piled up with me and are way overdue.

Then I listened to the podcast this morning. And God just hit me with His Word.

I have been talking and looking and being paid for being a writer, but I’ve been neglecting the actual writing part of my gift. And gifts aren’t supposed to be just for me– it’s for other people. It’s for His glory!
By neglecting it, I have been neglecting God’s gift and ultimately, not riding with his plans for my life.

I’m still not feeling so good, my head hurts and my eyes cross even as I am writing this. But I figured that once I get the impetus to write, I should not neglect it. Because this is how God made me to serve Him, and it’s about time I stop putting it off.

I still don’t feel like writing, but I’m going to do it now from obedience, and hopefully soon, the joy will come back. And when it does…. I can’t wait.

p.s. yes, this is also an apology to people I owe articles to. You know who you are. They’re coming!

Ok, so I still have some unfinished posts staring at me right now. But I just remembered that it’s still technically a Thursday, and I owe us a Truth Thursday.

I’m naming this chapter “Overflow,” inspired by the WinMakati’s Single Adults Ministry‘s Oktoberfeast celebration last Oct. 1. And we’re still on the topic of thanksgiving.

To recap:

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

so without further ado, here’s the prompt:

the underrated joys in my life

I know, now, more than ever (as I’m buried up to my neck with work and obligations and promises– “up to my neck” very fitting. heh. since i feel like i can’t move from all the pressure), I need to find You in everything and anything. I can’t go through a day without You.

I wish for more quiet times with You, but then again. Maybe that’s what all these crazy traffic jams on EDSA are for.

p.s. I love You. My heart beats for You.

I have had several letters since I started this blog telling me that I’m “clinically delusional,” “a weak-willed, gullible, cowardly, intellectually inferior zealot,” “a religious loon,” and “the product of a third-world nation’s childhood indoctrination” (I think this one was the best) among a lot of other things. I have even invited some of them to explain their side of belief, but for some reason, all I got were more names and angry demands that I abort my children if ever I should get pregnant.

Julian Barnes, writer and a former “happy atheist” now turned agnostic, believes Christianity to be a foolish lie, albeit “a beautiful lie.” Poet Stevie Smith (who wrote one of my favorite poems, “Not Waving but Drowning”) called Christianity the same thing in her poem, “How do you see?” (a beautiful cruel lie, a beautiful idea, a beautiful fairy tale).

I’m not going into apologetics or anything of the sort. Or even get into why other people call it a “beautiful lie.” Last Friday’s email from A Slice of Infinity just got me thinking about it. I looked up Christianity as a beautiful lie and read up on a lot of posts and articles from both ends of the spectrum. I even got a bit guilty for doing a blog that’s “overtly Christian” when, personally, I would rather have my Christianity “latent” in the things I write about, not so in-your-face like “Godspotting.”

But then again, this is me. My blog. I love it that I can see my God through everything and anything in this world. It’s not my religion, it’s my life. It’s who I am. This is my passion. Just as my friend Kat keeps her own blog about the power of crystals and other things mystical; or Ailene writes about her walks, travels, music in hers; April blogs about her love for food and travel (“Because there are always places to go and things to eat”); there’s the Chuvaness blog for the fashion and lifestyle news that I follow (even as I am in the magazine industry); even that atheist dude who gets mad at people like me (no I’m not posting his link because I don’t want to attract his attention more than I already have) has a website for his own beliefs, I’m grateful that the Wide World of the Web has space for everything and anybody, yes… even God.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Foolishness. Beautiful lie.God telling us that to be great we must become the servant of all? To love our enemies? God’s Son born of virgin, delivered in a manger? God who became man to go hungry, get dirty, suffer, die in the hands of injustice?  To die and be resurrected in three days? Beautiful foolishness. Or wise beyond our understanding?

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength. (1 Corinthians 1:25)

I guess believing in an all-powerful God who is also good, who loves us and cares about the tiny details in our lives– a God who is also in control of this crazy world– could be a stretch. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe too. It’s much easier to believe in things that I can see and understand, to operate on what I do know, or what is empirically proven to be true. But I think that it’s even harder to believe that there isn’t a God who is in control… because what we know is so little compared to what we don’t know. And there are just too many things that are just beyond us.

As I’m writing this, I have friends and family who are basking in a post-long weekend high, working in their offices, enjoying good food, loving, laughing, living on a high. And I also have friends and family who are dying, sick, and in despair, hearts broken, going hungry… and I’m sure a lot more people who I don’t know are going through varying stages of these as well.

But this is what I do know. God knows them all. He knows their names. He has them in His hands, and there are things and circumstances and reasons that I still don’t understand, choices made and outcomes that I may not like, but that doesn’t change anything. My God is good and wise beyond comprehension. And He loves us. I see His love working in my life and in everyone and anybody who lets it in theirs. As for evidence that I could see, I’ll trust that.

If this is foolishness, then I’ll be a fool.

This was harder than I expected it to be, to think I was the one who came up with that question for Truth Thursday. I’m going to try to get over three. Because, there are really so many things to be grateful for, we just have to tilt our minds a certain way to see it that way.

Yes, it often sounds insane, but that’s one of the many things I’ve been learning from Elvie.

1. Ex-boyfriends. But, Lord, I think I’ve had enough. hahaha! It’s still difficult even as I type this. But they’re right, every ex-boyfriend could be a step closer to the Right One.

2. Rejection. Not that I want more of it, and no, I’m not just talking about ex-boyfriends, although a couple of them do figure into this. Because, by God’s grace, I got to experience just how profound healing and how sweet acceptance could be after being rejected. And vindication always comes, and you’ll know what it is. It’s almost supernatural.

3. Irreversible mistakes. Not just because I’ve learned loads from them, but also because I got to receive the best and wisest words from my mom about this– something that I keep on repeating to myself– “Tapos na yan.”(It’s done.)

4. Bills. They let me know what I can afford now (and what I can’t). They also keep my attachment to money at bay.

5. Traffic jams. Yes, they still frustrate and tire me out some times, but they are also those pockets of quiet in my day. They also give me time to put on my makeup.

6. Scars. (added after reading Janary’s   Truth Thursday post because I forgot to put this in originally, but I was really going to put this on my list!) I have…  five major scars– three from surgeries, one second-degree burn, and a mystery scar that i forgot where I got it from. Then there are scars (in here). I love them, they tell stories of survival, hard lessons learned, and they’re reminders to myself and to others that I’m not so perfect after all.

Well hello there. I just realized that it’s a Thursday and I’m here at the Edge office getting served coffee and giving them questions for their quarterly devotionals. Then I realized that we haven’t done Truth Thursdays for a while now. Hence, I’m gonna post one today.

First, a recap on the mechanics:

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

And now, the question:

NAME TOP THREE (TO TEN) THINGS YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D BE GRATEFUL FOR

Because being grateful is one of the best ways to stop stressing. And we all know we need that.

(I’ve listened to Jars of Clay’s “Who we are instead” album several times already, but on this particular afternoon yesterday, while stuck in traffic, this song made me keep on playing it over and over again. I read the lyrics and sang the song over and over again. For some reason, I think, God chose this time for me to pay attention to the message and not just merely enjoy the melody.)

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I’ve been unfaithful
With lovers in lines
While you’re turning over tables
With the rage of a jealous kind

I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Tryin’ to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
Solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than be broken by a lover I don’t understand
‘Cause I don’t understand

Have I been unfaithful to You, Lord? Every time I put something or somebody else at the center of my heart and affections, bypassing You, I know I have cheated on You.

I remember praying not too long ago (even as I was so scared to pray it), that I want You to be at front and center in my life. I was so in love with a boy that thoughts of him saturated everything I do and everywhere I went. And I couldn’t help it, I had given my heart to him. But I knew that my heart was Yours first, and I was worried that I had taken it back and given it to the boy instead. Because You’re invisible! He’s flesh and blood. When he held my hand, I could feel the warmth and the strength of his bones and sinews, I felt his heartbeat when he held me in his embrace. I know You’re there, but I couldn’t feel Your hug, I never see Your smile with my own eyes! You didn’t joke around with my friends like he did. I tried rationalizing that we give glory and honor to You through my love for him, but I knew that this wasn’t the case.

I guess it was at that point when I realized that even while I was happy back then with the boy, it couldn’t be complete because I had You trade places with him. I could only be happy with You first. And when the boy started failing– when we were both failing each other– it was bound to happen, though I still wish it had turned out differently.

You have every right to be jealous, because my heart was, and will always be, Yours. And when I, fallen and broken, turned to You, You scooped me up in Your arms and held me together. You were my safety when I wanted to cry. You showed me how it is to be loved and pampered, and still not be left all empty and spent. You restored my joy, gave me peace and kept me whole when everything should be broken. And while it still hurts, You never let me feel that I should be over it by now. But You gently prod me to keep on moving forward.

When I look back to my other relationships, I’ve always meant for them to please You first. But it never turns out that way. My emotions, my lust, my needs, I get in the way. A case of loving none to wisely, but too well. But O, Lord… Let it be different next time. You take over. You come first before him.

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart’s deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride…

Love of a jealous kind…

(A Jealous Kind, Jars of Clay)

“I imagine that being in a relationship is like learning to play the piano, or any instrument for that matter. There is no sheet music for life. You hit a couple of notes and sometimes you get lucky and they actually sound pretty good together. But more often than not, you immediately forget everything that you just did and in searching for the same sequence of notes you actually stumble upon a completely different melody that is even better than the original.”

(Clayton Austin, Hammers and Strings)

can i have a someday to be in a picture like this? it doesn’t have to have a piano. but i think i’d like to keep the clouds.

How does one recap the 60 days that I’ve spent in intense and intentional Godspotting? John Burke (author of Soul Revolution, where I got the 60-60 experiment from) stated at the beginning that I would fail more than succeed in the 60 days. I thought, “How hard can it be? I’ve got my alarm set to go off every hour, it shouldn’t be too hard to say a prayer whenever it does.”  Right. When work got too urgent, or the days filled up with a lot of fun and activities, it was a lot easier to just turn off the alarm and keep on doing what I was doing, thinking, “oh, I’ll pray as soon as I get this sentence/game/talk/lecture/interview/run done.” So yes, I think I did fail more than I succeeded.

But you know what? God didn’t fail. Not one bit. Not even as I intentionally faltered and put things off, He even stepped it up some more and challenged my heart and my desire to get closer to Him.

So what have I learned in the past 60 days? Gosh, so much. I think I’m going to be updating this list in the days to come. I’ve already made notes in my journal, but even now, as I’m writing this, more lessons are coming to mind. But I’ll try to sum them up here (in no particular order).

Giving up perfection– or at least the appearance of it. Authenticity. I’ve found that the more I let go of appearances, the better my walk and work become. Instead on working on looking “Ok,” God has made me more than “Ok”– so much so that people take one look at me and they are convinced. Once I had given up on looking the part, I became it. Which is connected to the next lesson:

Giving up being right. This is one of the hardest things, really. Because, being the big sister, I always have this compulsion to tell people what to do (yes, I’m a bossypants), and tell them what they’re doing wrong and this is what they should do. All for the sake of being right, and being in control, or changing somebody. It sounds so annoying that it should be easy to give up doing, right? Er, not really… Not if you can see your friend or loved one heading down self-destruction, or about to make a mistake that you’ve already done before so you know that it won’t be good.

I’m not saying that I’m going to stop speaking the truth or stop intervening when I see something wrong– but I’m learning to do it from a place of love, and not from the place of just being right. I need to stop being judgmental and start loving people in all their beautiful messy glory. God’s teaching me a lot about grace, and having faith in His love for people, in His ways and His process, even if I don’t understand. It’s hard to make a call on the results in the middle of a game, how much more in life? Which leads to the next lesson:

He has made me brave. I posted on Day 31 (so long status quo) about being brave, but God has begun His work long before that. See, before, I was deathly afraid to get hurt. Sure, all my childhood mishaps and accidents (2nd degree burn, sprains and a broken wrist) and rollerblading back in high school have already raised my pain threshold for falls and cuts and bruises, but I would still be afraid to get hurt (…here). Every relationship, friendship, job always scared me because of the risk of being wrong, rejected, of failing and damaging things beyond repair. Yes, I got good at faking my way through all of them, but it was only lately that I found enough security to actually be brave.

It’s God’s love. I’ve finally recognized this pure, powerful, unfailing, amazing, extravagant, magnificent LOVE that God has wrapped me in all throughout my life. But I was just so focused on myself and the things that I couldn’t do, all the things I lacked, that I totally missed it. Oh, it’s so warm and strong! I feel it holding me up whenever I want to succumb to weakness, intentionally make mistakes. It keeps me from wallowing and giving up. His love drives me forward, even if the answers I get aren’t the ones I’m looking for. It gives me the courage to admit when I’m wrong or if I can’t do something. It fills me with hope in every step I take. His love reassures me that even if and when I fall down or make mistakes or fail to measure up, I am still loved.

It was a cliche until I recognized it as true.

and this leads to the next lesson:

Keep moving forward! Yes, I find God in Meet the Robinsons too. hehe. Failures and triumphs should be both celebrated because everything is a process. It’s deciding what to do from there that counts the most. Every day, I marvel at how I feel like I’m being driven forward by this force that I know that’s beyond me. It’s like riding a wave, I just have to hang on. Because, it’s only been a few months since the breakup, but my heart is whole and intact, and it’s just me who keeps on looking back and insisting (sometimes) that maybe I’m still not all that ok. But over it or not, my feet are taking me to places where my heart doesn’t feel like going because it just wants to crawl into a hole to savor all the phantom pains for a while.

Thank God that my heart doesn’t control my feet, or else, I’d never get anywhere.

I’m finding that if I’m tuned in to God all the time, I’ll find His voice and His presence anywhere. And that was my prayer from the beginning:

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.” (Psalm 24:7)

This is just the beginning really, 60-60 does not end here. It’s more like a warm up for a lifestyle of a more intentional pursuit of God and His will in my life. We’re all being called to a life of intimacy with our Creator– this is why Jesus came to this earth to pay for our sins. This is the reason for grace– so we could go to Him just as we are, His love is so big and generous and encompassing that it covers all our sins, no matter how big and messed up we have become.

I’ve been a Christian all my life (seriously… from the womb! hahahaha!), and I’m still learning about the scope of God’s love and grace. It’s been a really great adventure so far.

Thus starts Stef’s 60-infinity.

Dear friend,

This is my prayer for you today:

For God to reveal Himself to you today in a way that He never has before.
I pray for a unique encounter everyday with our Creator for you, but most especially TODAY.

Keep your eyes peeled
ears ready
arms wide open
heart expectant.

Have a blessed Godspotting day ahead!

For this Truth Thursday, that’s what I challenge you to do– find God in the most mundane, unexpected place today. And blog about it.

For those who are new to Truth Thursdays, it goes like this:

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!