personally speaking

i was a zombie at work yesterday (kahiya), still recovering from last week. I’ll blog about my marvelous week soon.

For the meantime, I want to tell you guys that I’m going on the 60-60 Experiment. I stumbled upon a book called Soul Revolution last week in OMF and browsed through it, getting that feeling that I usually do when I know I should get the book. Anyway, I bought it last night and just started on it before stopping to send you an invite to join me.

See, I’ve been a Christian all my life (and became a Christ-follower as well when I was eight years old) and every day since then has been a great and awesome journey. Well, I’m nearly thirty now (grabe no?) and I’ve seen God do wonders in my life and in other people’s lives as well. Every day, God’s been showing me just how much bigger He is compared to my concept of BIG (and I thought I already thought He’s BIG). Well, I want to see how much BIGGER He could get  but stepping it up with my faith even a bit more.

Anyway, I’m inviting you guys to do it with me. Can’t go on an awesome journey by myself right? Check out the website for more information on the 60-60 Experiment and let me know. I’ll be updating my blog as I go along, but it would be great to have some people with me so we can swap stories. Leave a comment and a link to your blog if you have decided to commit to this.

For the people who miss Truth Thursdays, I’ll be posting the questions and insights on Thursdays in lieu of our tradition so you can hop in.

Ready?

Today is a different kind of monthsary for me. It’s been exactly a month since he told me that he couldn’t swim this far with me anymore. And I woke up this morning with the thought, “Can I actually say that I’m over it?” before realizing that it’s been a month already.

Then it was followed by this realization: I’m still swimming, and it’s only You Lord, that’s keeping my head above the flood.

Because of that i can sing:

I’m ready, God, so ready,

ready from head to toe,

Ready to sing, ready to raise a tune:
“Wake up, soul!

Wake up, harp! wake up, lute!
Wake up, you sleepyhead sun!”

I’m thanking you, God, out loud in the streets,
singing your praises in town and country.
The deeper your love, the higher it goes;
every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness.

Soar high in the skies, O God!
Cover the whole earth with your glory!

(Psalm 57: 7-11, the Message)

don’t you love it when a Psalm sings your heart out just right?!

He's got the whole world in His hands

i never thought that it would end. seriously. i thought that this was it. the one. the settlement of stef and the beginning of a whole new adventure. i thought that we would be able to fight through anything, but then, in reality, we can only love so much. forgive so much. it just hurt to find out that what we had wasn’t as much as we thought it would be.

while we were together, i knew that that was where we were meant to be at that time. and when it ended, i knew that it was time to go. but still, oh, how i fought it before i caved in.

it ended– like how it usually ends. a lot of tears, promises of “for now” that i’m not going to hold him to, a prayer, a hug and a last squeeze of the hand. then it would be a few days of awkward conversations before finally ellipsis-ing off to silence, private tears and lots of explanations to people’s questions of what happened? are you sure? maybe someday… again?

it doesn’t get any easier, no matter how many times I’ve been through this. we promise the infinite and we always come up short.

but when it was over, the morning after, i woke up with a strange feeling. lighter, maybe because i lost something big that i had been holding on to for over a year and half. i poked my heart to see if it’s still ok, because for some reason it’s not feeling that familiar needle pricking pain after a breakup. i looked at my schedule for that saturday. until the day before, i was going to move out of my apartment and in with some friends in palanan, makati; and i was going to wear my white suit for the first time to our friends’ wedding in tagaytay. just like that, my day was a clean slate, among other things and i was back in limbo. i’m no longer his, and he’s not mine. then i just let myself cry again.

i made decisions that day that helped me function normally even up to now. no running. let go of burgeoning bitterness. let go of him. forgive even when not asked. stay in church. do the job that’s in front of me. stay at home. no awkwardness. be kind. accept kindness when given. pray. praise. give thanks. lean on the Rock that has never failed me ever before.

i hadn’t plan on being strong or brave or funny. or to appear like something tragic didn’t happen. but somehow these things happened too.

it wasn’t until five days later when the word “broken” was mentioned. and i poked my heart again, examined it to see if it was as broken as it should be. but it wasn’t. it was whole– it hasn’t been like this for so long that I didn’t recognize it. i’ve never lost touch with God even before the breakup, but upon realizing that i was whole, i just wanted to fall on my knees at the sidewalk of Ayala Ave. and declare that it was Him the whole time, taking care of me, holding me together even without me asking.

all i wanted was to fall apart but He held me up.

i am cradled and surrounded by so much love that you wouldn’t know that i have just come out of a breakup. and i swear that i have nothing to do with it except to accept the grace that’s being showered on me.

once again, i am made to live my life verse:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

i love it that even my colleagues find my composure astonishing. my friend even told me, “you make me want to consider getting religion.” and i said it’s not me.

don’t get me wrong. it’s still not easy. i often wish it hadn’t ended, but who am i to complain when i know that the God of the universe is holding me up? i still cry like someone i loved died– because, in a sense, that dream we had died with this.

but once again, i am assured that if i thought that this dream was already great, how much more is the future that God actually has for me (and for him)?

there’s really no escaping Him. He hems me in– behind and before. my wonderful Father, my Savior, my Comforter and Friend. Your works are wonderful, I know it full well.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

(Psalm 138:8)

“God is active and present in his world, quite independently of whether we experience him as being so.  Experience declared that God was absent from Calvary, only to have its verdict humiliatingly overturned on the third day.” (Alister McGrath, Mystery of the Cross)

This strong conviction that He is there even when I don’t see Him or understand what’s happening keeps me sane… and still joyful in any circumstances.

A calling is simply God’s shaping of your burden and His beckoning you to your service to Him in the place and pursuit of His choosing. Finding your home in your service to Christ is key to noticing the threads that God has designed just for you. When you find it, you inevitably feel that hand-in-glove sensation. Finding it gives you the security of knowing that you are utilizing your gifts and your will to God’s end first, not yours. When you align your will with God’s will, His calling on you has found its home. A true call of God puts a tug on your soul that you cannot escape, no matter how unattractive the cost of following it may feel. And what is the starting point for this process? The Bible leaves us in no doubt: do what you know to be God’s will, and then watch how He will lead you into what you do not yet know. you are God’s temple; so act like it. God reinforces his call as your respond to His nod.

(Ravi Zacharias, in The Grand Weaver)

Sometimes I still really don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. But whenever I try to stall and claim ineptness, a problem or a task pops up in front of me and forces me to solve it. Because, for some reason, I can’t help but do the job in front of me.

Before I know it, I now have a curriculum vitae of jobs that I did just because they are right in front of me. I don’t know how many articles I’ve already written since I graduated in 2002, but it’s safe to say that they’re in the hundreds. I’ve been a personal assistant, driver, editorial assistant, features editor, PR writer, curriculum writer, teacher, and now managing editor. I tried getting out of this trend, but it’s like I’m always being herded back here.

I’m still waiting for that “tug” on my soul that I cannot escape… Sometimes I know for sure that this is my calling– to be a writer, an editor–and other times it just feels like I can’t escape (hah!). So for now, I’ll just keep on doing the job that’s in front of me and trust my Creator that this path will eventually take me somewhere I can recognize as my “calling.”

Then again, it could just be the difficult day talking.

it’s just one of those days when nothing feels right, nothing fits well, and i’m just so uncomfortable that i can’t focus my mind on anything. if you have been following my facebook status and tweets, you would probably be wondering what’s wrong with stef’s days.

truth is, nothing’s really going wrong. nothing out of the ordinary. it’s just an Off-day.

i saw it coming the moment i woke up this morning and prayed, “Oh Lord, it’s a Monday…” (i forgot what I already said, but it’s something along those lines). I made it a point to dress happy– maybe it could off-set the bloatyuglyicky feeling… well, so far, not really.

but what i do like about off days (not that i like them) is that it makes me focus more the task of Godspotting. where’s God in all of this?

my favorite one for today is the one i got this morning, on the road to work. i had my GoGear on while hugging my bag to my chest to hide my tummy and cleavage (both that are unusually extra visible for some reason) from other people’s eyes. I even texted it to myManu:

Me: I’m listening to one of the songs I used to like. It goes, “When I am weak, all the words I speak bring no passion anymore. And when I try for happiness in the midst of all this emptiness, all I want is You, if I only knew how to get up off this floor.” Now I know why I was depressed all the time in college. It feels good not to related to these songs anymore.

Manu: Yeah… I’m glad I listened to foreign songs then… I didn’t have to understand them…

Me: hahahahahahahaha! I’m all about words kasi. Now my songs go like this, “All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.” glorious!

Manu: Words are indeed powerful.

I’m just grateful my God doesn’t change and He doesn’t get off days. Because of that, there’s never a reason not to rejoice, never a reason to shake my fist at the heavens.

(Although it did feel good to hide under the table for a little while.)

“People only see what they are prepared to see.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

What do you see when you look down the road? What does the future hold? What do you think see? What do you want to see? You who are at the brink of everything, teetering over something great and unknown.

For this edition of Truth Thursday, let’s take a look at

TODAY’S VISIONS FOR MY LIFE

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

It’s nearly midnight here, as I am writing this. I have no reason to stay up late, no article due tomorrow, and I’ve just finished my last conversation for the night.

But I can’t sleep. My mind is buzzing with thoughts that I can’t even articulate just yet. All I have is this queer feeling that I have to write something, anything, before going to sleep.

It feels good.

I still remember those days when I would just cry and beg for that old restless feeling that’s just demanding for a bed of words to settle on. I miss that urgent need to write something– anything– down before going to sleep. And now the feeling’s back, and I welcome it like a friend who was gone for a long time because of some weird fight we have already forgotten.

But I don’t know what to write about. So I’m just going to start writing about this, my feeling. Because I need to write. I have to keep on writing. It all goes back to this (often ridiculous) belief that this is what I’m called to do, even if all evidences tell me otherwise sometimes.

During those times, I ask God if I’m really supposed to be a “writer” because I feel like such a fraud most of the time I’m doing this– especially whenever I get confused with my tenses. But then again, what else can I do?  Maybe I should go back to school again, or at least learn a new vocation just in case. I’m looking at dressmaking, if I can’t be a veterinarian. I mean, I love to cook, but I’m not so sure if other people would like what I cook. Maybe I can be a teacher… but then what would I teach? Writing?! HAH!

These days, I get the same feeling when I’m praying. I know I have to pray, I have this weird tugging in my heart and I just know. I know I can pray. But once I start praying, my mind starts wandering, and before I know it, I’m not praying anymore and I’m just rehearsing an imaginary conversation I have with a friend I wish I could say these things to, but can’t. And the conversation sounds like nothing what you’d hear in real life. Somewhere down the line I remember what I was doing before my eloquent speech and get back to praying. Seriously, it’s like a tug-of-war up in my head sometimes.

My rambling concentration makes me wonder if I was really supposed to pray and keep on praying after all. I mean, God already knows what I’m talking about, right? He knows what I need! So why do I have to close my eyes and stop whatever it is I’m doing and pray to somebody who I know already knows what I need, and most likely has something else better to do with His time.

But prayer is important– it’s like the need to talk to the boyfriend, the best friend, even to my mom and dad. It’s to connect with God. It’s so comforting to know that Someone is listening to me, even as I’m figuring it out by myself. God’s the best listener in the universe, seriously. He doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t argue, doesn’t walk out on me. He just lets me talk and let me work things out while I pray, and whenever He tells me something, it’s found in the Bible– which makes it hard to argue with because it was written thousands of years ago and whether I want it or not, it is still relevant today.

One of the passages I hold on to whenever I don’t know what to pray about and for, or even as I am at a loss for words to write is Romans 8:26-27:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

Ok, I got my words out. I can sleep now.

But I’m going to pray first.

i’ve already told you most of what i have to say about us, but i’d like to add this one:

(you were right, love, when you said that what we have is a miracle.)

image found through doosie