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A little background and introduction: The Daily Pandesal is a daily email devotional by the Single Adults Ministry (SAM) of Word International Makati. The Daily Pandesal is also a website that my friends and I have been putting together since time immemorial, but because we haven’t really gotten off the ground just yet, I lent the name to the SAM first.  This is the Tuesday Pandesal Liza sent us this morning all the way from Amsterdam where she is currently working on her PhD.

I have the privilege of writing the Valentine Pandesal ( I see it as a privilege not a burden, kasi sabi nga ni Iris bawal ang bitter sa Valentine’s day:) Even before Valentine’s Day I have been grappling with the problem of being in a relationship or more specifically not being in a relationship. Whatever our status whether we have a significant other or not (yet), I believe we need God’s perspective on relationships. The Lord led me to this article titled ‘Pursuing Love’ by John Fischer. http://singleness.org/pursuing.shtml

She is also responsible for pushing me to be braver out there in the dating world. So if you’re one of the guys who took me out to dinner recently because I said yes when you asked, you have Liza to thank.

I may not always say so (being the big sister, for some reason, rarely affords me that opportunity to do this), but I’m really proud of you. And even if you’re only just a few days in as a JC’s wife, I know you’ll do me proud too. Your marriage is just one of those things that people instantly know is just right (even if you and JC still looked like kids playing dress up at that crazy gorgeous wedding), and I know that God will bless you two and your ministry because this is all Him, and He will be with you two down this road.

So, be good to each other. And let’s have dinner in Makati still, once in a while, ok?

Love, Ate

(I’ve listened to Jars of Clay’s “Who we are instead” album several times already, but on this particular afternoon yesterday, while stuck in traffic, this song made me keep on playing it over and over again. I read the lyrics and sang the song over and over again. For some reason, I think, God chose this time for me to pay attention to the message and not just merely enjoy the melody.)

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I’ve been unfaithful
With lovers in lines
While you’re turning over tables
With the rage of a jealous kind

I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Tryin’ to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
Solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than be broken by a lover I don’t understand
‘Cause I don’t understand

Have I been unfaithful to You, Lord? Every time I put something or somebody else at the center of my heart and affections, bypassing You, I know I have cheated on You.

I remember praying not too long ago (even as I was so scared to pray it), that I want You to be at front and center in my life. I was so in love with a boy that thoughts of him saturated everything I do and everywhere I went. And I couldn’t help it, I had given my heart to him. But I knew that my heart was Yours first, and I was worried that I had taken it back and given it to the boy instead. Because You’re invisible! He’s flesh and blood. When he held my hand, I could feel the warmth and the strength of his bones and sinews, I felt his heartbeat when he held me in his embrace. I know You’re there, but I couldn’t feel Your hug, I never see Your smile with my own eyes! You didn’t joke around with my friends like he did. I tried rationalizing that we give glory and honor to You through my love for him, but I knew that this wasn’t the case.

I guess it was at that point when I realized that even while I was happy back then with the boy, it couldn’t be complete because I had You trade places with him. I could only be happy with You first. And when the boy started failing– when we were both failing each other– it was bound to happen, though I still wish it had turned out differently.

You have every right to be jealous, because my heart was, and will always be, Yours. And when I, fallen and broken, turned to You, You scooped me up in Your arms and held me together. You were my safety when I wanted to cry. You showed me how it is to be loved and pampered, and still not be left all empty and spent. You restored my joy, gave me peace and kept me whole when everything should be broken. And while it still hurts, You never let me feel that I should be over it by now. But You gently prod me to keep on moving forward.

When I look back to my other relationships, I’ve always meant for them to please You first. But it never turns out that way. My emotions, my lust, my needs, I get in the way. A case of loving none to wisely, but too well. But O, Lord… Let it be different next time. You take over. You come first before him.

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart’s deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride…

Love of a jealous kind…

(A Jealous Kind, Jars of Clay)

“I imagine that being in a relationship is like learning to play the piano, or any instrument for that matter. There is no sheet music for life. You hit a couple of notes and sometimes you get lucky and they actually sound pretty good together. But more often than not, you immediately forget everything that you just did and in searching for the same sequence of notes you actually stumble upon a completely different melody that is even better than the original.”

(Clayton Austin, Hammers and Strings)

can i have a someday to be in a picture like this? it doesn’t have to have a piano. but i think i’d like to keep the clouds.

i’ve already told you most of what i have to say about us, but i’d like to add this one:

(you were right, love, when you said that what we have is a miracle.)

image found through doosie