Are you there God?

“God is active and present in his world, quite independently of whether we experience him as being so.  Experience declared that God was absent from Calvary, only to have its verdict humiliatingly overturned on the third day.” (Alister McGrath, Mystery of the Cross)

This strong conviction that He is there even when I don’t see Him or understand what’s happening keeps me sane… and still joyful in any circumstances.

can’t escape you

A calling is simply God’s shaping of your burden and His beckoning you to your service to Him in the place and pursuit of His choosing. Finding your home in your service to Christ is key to noticing the threads that God has designed just for you. When you find it, you inevitably feel that hand-in-glove sensation. Finding it gives you the security of knowing that you are utilizing your gifts and your will to God’s end first, not yours. When you align your will with God’s will, His calling on you has found its home. A true call of God puts a tug on your soul that you cannot escape, no matter how unattractive the cost of following it may feel. And what is the starting point for this process? The Bible leaves us in no doubt: do what you know to be God’s will, and then watch how He will lead you into what you do not yet know. you are God’s temple; so act like it. God reinforces his call as your respond to His nod.

(Ravi Zacharias, in The Grand Weaver)

Sometimes I still really don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. But whenever I try to stall and claim ineptness, a problem or a task pops up in front of me and forces me to solve it. Because, for some reason, I can’t help but do the job in front of me.

Before I know it, I now have a curriculum vitae of jobs that I did just because they are right in front of me. I don’t know how many articles I’ve already written since I graduated in 2002, but it’s safe to say that they’re in the hundreds. I’ve been a personal assistant, driver, editorial assistant, features editor, PR writer, curriculum writer, teacher, and now managing editor. I tried getting out of this trend, but it’s like I’m always being herded back here.

I’m still waiting for that “tug” on my soul that I cannot escape… Sometimes I know for sure that this is my calling– to be a writer, an editor–and other times it just feels like I can’t escape (hah!). So for now, I’ll just keep on doing the job that’s in front of me and trust my Creator that this path will eventually take me somewhere I can recognize as my “calling.”

Then again, it could just be the difficult day talking.

Godspotting on an off day

it’s just one of those days when nothing feels right, nothing fits well, and i’m just so uncomfortable that i can’t focus my mind on anything. if you have been following my facebook status and tweets, you would probably be wondering what’s wrong with stef’s days.

truth is, nothing’s really going wrong. nothing out of the ordinary. it’s just an Off-day.

i saw it coming the moment i woke up this morning and prayed, “Oh Lord, it’s a Monday…” (i forgot what I already said, but it’s something along those lines). I made it a point to dress happy– maybe it could off-set the bloatyuglyicky feeling… well, so far, not really.

but what i do like about off days (not that i like them) is that it makes me focus more the task of Godspotting. where’s God in all of this?

my favorite one for today is the one i got this morning, on the road to work. i had my GoGear on while hugging my bag to my chest to hide my tummy and cleavage (both that are unusually extra visible for some reason) from other people’s eyes. I even texted it to myManu:

Me: I’m listening to one of the songs I used to like. It goes, “When I am weak, all the words I speak bring no passion anymore. And when I try for happiness in the midst of all this emptiness, all I want is You, if I only knew how to get up off this floor.” Now I know why I was depressed all the time in college. It feels good not to related to these songs anymore.

Manu: Yeah… I’m glad I listened to foreign songs then… I didn’t have to understand them…

Me: hahahahahahahaha! I’m all about words kasi. Now my songs go like this, “All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.” glorious!

Manu: Words are indeed powerful.

I’m just grateful my God doesn’t change and He doesn’t get off days. Because of that, there’s never a reason not to rejoice, never a reason to shake my fist at the heavens.

(Although it did feel good to hide under the table for a little while.)

TRUTH THURSDAY #32: Back to Identity

“People only see what they are prepared to see.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

What do you see when you look down the road? What does the future hold? What do you think see? What do you want to see? You who are at the brink of everything, teetering over something great and unknown.

For this edition of Truth Thursday, let’s take a look at

TODAY’S VISIONS FOR MY LIFE

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

when all you got is a feeling

It’s nearly midnight here, as I am writing this. I have no reason to stay up late, no article due tomorrow, and I’ve just finished my last conversation for the night.

But I can’t sleep. My mind is buzzing with thoughts that I can’t even articulate just yet. All I have is this queer feeling that I have to write something, anything, before going to sleep.

It feels good.

I still remember those days when I would just cry and beg for that old restless feeling that’s just demanding for a bed of words to settle on. I miss that urgent need to write something– anything– down before going to sleep. And now the feeling’s back, and I welcome it like a friend who was gone for a long time because of some weird fight we have already forgotten.

But I don’t know what to write about. So I’m just going to start writing about this, my feeling. Because I need to write. I have to keep on writing. It all goes back to this (often ridiculous) belief that this is what I’m called to do, even if all evidences tell me otherwise sometimes.

During those times, I ask God if I’m really supposed to be a “writer” because I feel like such a fraud most of the time I’m doing this– especially whenever I get confused with my tenses. But then again, what else can I do?  Maybe I should go back to school again, or at least learn a new vocation just in case. I’m looking at dressmaking, if I can’t be a veterinarian. I mean, I love to cook, but I’m not so sure if other people would like what I cook. Maybe I can be a teacher… but then what would I teach? Writing?! HAH!

These days, I get the same feeling when I’m praying. I know I have to pray, I have this weird tugging in my heart and I just know. I know I can pray. But once I start praying, my mind starts wandering, and before I know it, I’m not praying anymore and I’m just rehearsing an imaginary conversation I have with a friend I wish I could say these things to, but can’t. And the conversation sounds like nothing what you’d hear in real life. Somewhere down the line I remember what I was doing before my eloquent speech and get back to praying. Seriously, it’s like a tug-of-war up in my head sometimes.

My rambling concentration makes me wonder if I was really supposed to pray and keep on praying after all. I mean, God already knows what I’m talking about, right? He knows what I need! So why do I have to close my eyes and stop whatever it is I’m doing and pray to somebody who I know already knows what I need, and most likely has something else better to do with His time.

But prayer is important– it’s like the need to talk to the boyfriend, the best friend, even to my mom and dad. It’s to connect with God. It’s so comforting to know that Someone is listening to me, even as I’m figuring it out by myself. God’s the best listener in the universe, seriously. He doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t argue, doesn’t walk out on me. He just lets me talk and let me work things out while I pray, and whenever He tells me something, it’s found in the Bible– which makes it hard to argue with because it was written thousands of years ago and whether I want it or not, it is still relevant today.

One of the passages I hold on to whenever I don’t know what to pray about and for, or even as I am at a loss for words to write is Romans 8:26-27:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

Ok, I got my words out. I can sleep now.

But I’m going to pray first.

one year of holding your hand (a belated anniversary post)

i’ve already told you most of what i have to say about us, but i’d like to add this one:

(you were right, love, when you said that what we have is a miracle.)

image found through doosie

but it hurts!

God’s Chisel by the Skit Guys

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:10

“Do whatever it takes to make me what you want,” is a very dangerous prayer, but it’s something that I need and want to live this life to its fullest and for His glory.

Stef is God’s original masterpiece.

So chisel away, Lord.

TRUTH (even if it’s not a Thursday) THURSDAY (yet): I AM CHOOSING

“I am choosing.”

I always tell myself that, especially these days. Feeling trapped is really a bad way to go. There is always a choice, and if you’re fortunate enough, it’s between two good choices. I’ve been learning, since I was a teenager, that choices lead to future choices, and it’s always better to look at least two choices ahead because I wouldn’t want to be led somewhere where I would have to eventually have to choose between two paths I don’t like.

These days I am choosing to always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere.

I am choosing to stay.

a non-Thursday TRUTH THURSDAY #31: LEAVING RIPPLES

“Our lives are a sum total of the choices we have made.”

- Wayne Dyer

So… yeah, I’ve been pretty delinquent about Truth Thursdays lately… actually, I haven’t been consistent with it all year. So, in keeping with the trend, I’m posting a Truth Thursday in the wee hours of a Monday morning.

Let’s start with the prompt:

I AM CHOOSING.

I can’t believe I haven’t posted this before… I suppose its time is really now, right when I’m learning how it is to live intentionally, to be conscious of the choices that I have in my hand, and the choices that I eventually make. I am learning how to stop saying “I have/had no choice,” because there’s always a choice– whether or not I like my options is another thing altogether.

But yeah, what are you choosing right now, in this path that you’re on? What were the choices that got you here?

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive.

- 1 Corinthians 10: 23

changing seasons part 1

A year ago, this was a season of changes and beginnings. 2008 was a great year, we’ve acquired a brother-in-law, I met new friends, had a new vision and direction for my life and writing, an exciting ministry at Station One. I was at that point where I loved being single, which is not to say I didn’t have lonely moments or wished for some romance in my life, but I let God take care of that department. He has a far better taste in men for me than I do. I was doing a lot of freelance work that didn’t pay a lot, just enough, and I had a lot of time to do other things that interested me.

A year and a half ago, I was preparing to go to Bible school in the States. I was so sure that I was supposed to go– even with all the worries about how I’m going to afford it, how I’m going to live there, the student visa, and all that. I was so sure, and I was really getting ready to go.

Two months and a year ago, Jacs told me about the opening for a managing editor position in Metro Society, would I like to send my resume and sample works? Even if I was leaving for Bible school, I thought, “Why not?” I didn’t think I would get it, but it would be cool to see if they would actually consider me– a career freelancer, with no managing editorial blood in her veins– for the job. They called me for an interview. I met the Editor-in-Chief, told him the craziest things, only half-caring if he liked me for the job or not, but I liked him and thought that it would be cool to work with him. A couple of weeks later, they called me up to tell me I got the job.

Nearly two months and a year ago, I cried over my journal while writing down the pros and cons about getting the job vs. going to Bible School. They led to two different futures. Jen, my small group leader, patted me on the back to calm me down said, “Both of them are good things. God will be with you whichever path you choose.” And so I made my choice. The next morning, Dad breathed a sigh of relief when I told him I would stay and take the job.

A year ago yesterday, I walked into Station One and Law bounced up to me announcing gleefully, “Guess who’s here?!” A slightly familiar-looking guy in a tight shirt stood in front of me, smiling, but not saying anything. I squinted at him and said, “Anton?” He frowned and said, “No, I’m Manu!” We had never been formally introduced, but I knew him as that skinny kid back in high school a year ahead of us. I think I only said a sentence to him the whole time we were in highschool, but that night last year, we talked and poked fun at each other like old friends. I got his number but I didn’t give him mine until I texted him on the way home last night. I knew I had found a fun new friend who just kept on texting me.

A year ago today, Manu, through text and YM, revealed that he used to be a chef before going full time in the ministry as the Associate Pastor of WinMakati. Since I was cooking dinner that night, we collaborated for dinner via instant messaging. He told me to put beer with cream and fish roe for the pasta sauce. It was an epic fail.

Two days later last year was my first day in Metro Society. It was raining, and we had our first editorial training session. We learned the importance of cover blurbs, I met the other people in the office. For the first time, I felt that I was part of something big. So big that apart from Jacs and Metro Society’s editorial staff, I didn’t remember any of the names of the people that day.

Same day last year, Passion, the worship concert and youth conference, came to the Philippines. I rushed from ABS CBN to Ultra to meet my friends. I got separated from Tim and Deus– they got seats up front. I met up with the CFAC people at the end of the line. We ended up sitting up on the cheap seats to the right side of the stage. It was a good view, I didn’t mind. All this time, I was texting with Manu, who was on his way to the same event with his best friends and churchmates. We tried to figure out where each other was in that coliseum, it wasn’t until after a few songs into the concert that I saw this guy in a black shirt, just down our row, standing up while texting. I texted Manu to look to his left, and sure enough it was him. Some time during the concert, I lost my seat to a couple of old ladies and had to sit uncomfortably on a bar over our row. Manu saw me and made me sit with them (he happened to have an empty spot beside him). I didn’t want my CFAC friends to think that something’s going on between me and Manu, so I left him as soon as the concert was over. But even then, I knew something was brewing, on Manu’s part, at least. haha

2008 became even more interesting from then on.

For these past few days, I’m reminded of how God can change my plans and if I let Him, He can show me His plans– a future that is far beyond what I deserve. Thank God for retrospection, for the faith I needed at that time to go along with Him, even if His plans were so different from mine. Last night, at small group, when Grace asked me what my prayer request was, I couldn’t really think of any, other than my health (eventually I found some things I need to pray for though). She said, a matter-of-factly, “You’re so blessed, Stef.” I thought about it, grinned, and finally admitted, “Yes, I’m blessed.”

Amazingly so.