personally speaking

I may not always say so (being the big sister, for some reason, rarely affords me that opportunity to do this), but I’m really proud of you. And even if you’re only just a few days in as a JC’s wife, I know you’ll do me proud too. Your marriage is just one of those things that people instantly know is just right (even if you and JC still looked like kids playing dress up at that crazy gorgeous wedding), and I know that God will bless you two and your ministry because this is all Him, and He will be with you two down this road.

So, be good to each other. And let’s have dinner in Makati still, once in a while, ok?

Love, Ate

I tried hitting the ground running this new year, but I kinda stumbled over myself and spent the first few days metaphorically on my butt, dazed on the ground with metaphorical scrapes on my chin and elbows, and the taste of dirt in my mouth. On hindsight, I didn’t end last year all that well, mainly for the fact that I was just glad to make it to the end alive.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m trying not to succumb to all the helpful words from well-meaning individuals who tell me, “Napag-iwanan ka na. (You got left behind.)” Because my youngest sister is getting married next weekend. I’ve got all these snappy comebacks ready, but I do get tired of hearing them and forcing a fake smile on my face whenever I do. My family tells me to just let it go out of the other ear, but it’s getting to the point where I wonder if I’m just kidding myself whenever I think that I’m quite happy with my status right now. (Sometimes I get scared that I’m too content, because while being single at this age is pretty good, I do would like to move on from this level.)

But what if– what if I did miss the boat, the flight, or whatever it is they’re equivalent to in life, and I’m stuck here–to be always in the midst of transition, in the period of adjustment, a plan that’s always in the works? To exist in limbo.

(Oh, God.)

My greatest fear is being a permanent potential, having a great promise that is never fulfilled. Much like a lot of my essays and stories that are never finished or routines started that just never caught on.

But.

Of course there’s a but. I grew up knowing my Creator is a God who finishes His creation. He sees everything through, from beginning until the end. And even while I don’t feel it right now, He has set my life on forward motion. To where exactly, and how– I don’t know. But I do know that I’d be even more lost without Him.

To be even more honest (I’m trying to be more honest this year too), as I am slowly sifting through my life to get rid of the clutter (sometimes it’s like my life is built around the clutter), I’m feeling less and less sure about myself. It’s an odd feeling for me to not know of what to do or what I can do, and I’m getting acquainted with this feeling more and more these days.

I wish I could just fast forward to the day when all lessons have been learned and I’m done adjusting, and I’ve finally arrived at the place where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I would actually pray that (worth the shot). But God always says the same thing,

“My grace is enough for your weakness. Today.”

And by this same grace I’m finding out just how enough it is.

“Oh Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth

The thrill of of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!”

Wow, Christmas is literally fast approaching. Seriously, it just took me by surprise that it’s this Sunday already! And the week after that, it’s the New Year! Do you remember the time when Christmas couldn’t get here fast enough, that those presents under the tree seem to have been teasing you forever. (Confession: when I was a kid, I peeked into my presents. I have mastered the art of taking the tape off without ripping the paper and putting it back without anybody noticing–at least, that’s what I thought!). Sometimes I got exactly what I wanted, other times, not exactly.

We’re not the only ones who have waited for Christmas in great anticipation. Before Christ, believers of his coming have waited and generations died waiting for the Messiah to come. Yet people believed and kept watch. Until finally, at the appointed time, Jesus was born to a virgin and the world who had been waiting didn’t even know it was him because they were expecting someone different– a king, a warrior, someone who will free Israel from the Roman Empire and reestablish the country in its former greatness.

But instead, they got a baby in a manger. A carpenter. A man who walked on water. A man who healed and brought the dead back to life. The man who hung out with sinners and tax collectors. A man who didn’t condemn but forgave sins. A man who is the Son of God. A man who claimed that He and His Father are one. A man who didn’t say anything and was crucified. A man who rose from the dead.

We’re all waiting for a lot of things, answer to our prayers, we expect great things from our God, but sometimes, most of the time, God’s concepts of time and greatness differ from ours  that when He finally does answer our prayers, we don’t recognize it because we’re expecting something (or someone) sooner and something (someone) else. My prayer for all of us this Christmas is that we’ll set our hearts not on the things of this world, but on things above. For us to delight ourselves in the Lord and He’ll give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4), so we’ll know and recognize God’s answers to our prayers when they come.

One of my favorite parts of the Christmas story (although it’s rarely mentioned because it’s later on after the manger scene) is when Mary and Joseph took Jesus to the temple in Jerusalem to present him to the Lord, and there’s a man there named Simeon, who had been waiting for the Messiah everyday of his life. The Holy Spirit revealed to Him that He would not die before He had seen the Lord’s Messiah. Then one day, he saw Jesus. There must have been so many people at the Temple that day to present their babies, but Simeon was so in tuned to the Holy Spirit that he found Jesus, and when he did, he praised God, saying:

“Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles and the glory of your people Israel.” (Luke 2:29-32)

May we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear the glory of God revealed this Christmas and in all the days to come!

Merry Godspotting, you guys.

I was really blessed by our sermon series this month at church about life verses. I loved that I got to hear the stories of the people in our leadership and how the Word of God has worked powerfully in their lives. It also got me thinking about my own life verse, and how its meaning and application in my life has evolved throughout the years as I myself had evolved.

So here’s my life verse:

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12: 9-10)

When I first encountered this verse, I was a depressive insecure teenager with a crippling low self-esteem. I loved God and I was a Christian already even then, but for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like the world was crashing around my ears all the time. I felt like I was the worst Christian ever, and I didn’t know how God could ever use a zero like me. I was angsty and suicidal, but being a Christian, I fought against those thoughts and just gritted my teeth as I went through each day. I was ashamed to ask for professional help (or any help) because what would they say about a Christian depressive– what would that say about the God whom I loved so much?! I felt like this pretty much until the end of my 20s even if I had gotten better at hiding my depression from other people throughout the years. I kept people at a distance because I felt (and some experiences had proved it true) that if people really know how pathetic the real Stef was, they wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.

This verse was my lifeline throughout that time. It assured me that my God, despite all my shortcomings, still can do something good and great. And when I am weak (which I was– and am still– all the time) He is strong. It gave my–what I had thought back then–pathetic life meaning and purpose.

Eventually, the depressive episodes stopped coming (just as I was about to turn 30), and I was amazed at how freed I felt. When you’ve been living with the heavy burden of depression all your life, that’s all you know, and when it’s gone, it’s amazing to find just how light and bright life actually is!

This is still my life verse, and, while I know that I’m still far from perfect, the awareness of my own weaknesses and shortcomings is no longer burdensome, but rather a blessing. I see them as an opportunity for God’s grace to be shown to its fullest extent– in-house Godspotting! While I know that God can leverage my strengths for His glory (now that I am aware that I do have strengths), I still don’t have any qualms about Him working through my weaknesses more.

Although, I have to admit that I still pray that I would be really great and be the best writer, the best managing editor, be rich and famous (or marry a rich and famous man), and for that specter of my old thorn in the flesh to go away (my emotional instability), I’m still grateful that God doesn’t give me all that I ask for and instead tells me, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Because witnessing God’s all-sufficient grace completing my weaknesses and lack is worth all the trouble that they sometimes get me into.

So take heart, you. God’s grace is always enough.

Don’t you notice that whenever we have somebody come in front in church to do his/her testimony, that person’s already past that crisis/problem/former life and he/she always closes with an everything’sgreatnowpraisetheLord summary? And we all clap and we’re all blessed by the story. Have you ever had that feeling that you want to do that too? Give your story with a happy ending? But in the meantime, you’re right in the middle of something in your life that you still can’t make sense of, and things aren’t following the timeline?

This is what I feel about being a young adult, actually. Like I’m in the middle or at the brink of something that could be great (or horrible) and I have no idea of how I can make sense of what’s happening to me right now. All I know is that I just have to stay on my feet, keep going or be still (but I never really know if i’m supposed to keep on going or be still– I guess, being still is an emotional and spiritual state while moving forward is more of a mental and physical thing). There are days when I feel like I have everything in control and my head’s screwed on straight. And there are days when I’m just dragging my feet, pulled along because I have obligations and deadlines that I have to fulfill because I’m an adult and i have to be a good Christian, dengit! But in those days (like last week until last night), I just feel like giving up and just go on hibernation  until the world is all as it should be.

I love how David described these moments (it’s so accurate),

“I am poured out like water and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me. My strength is dried up like [broken pottery] and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death” (Psalm 22:14-18, NIV).

So what do we do when we’re in the middle? I don’t have exact answers to that, but from what I have experienced, we just have to submit to the process. We may not be able to control what’s happening to us, but we do have a choice on how to respond to it.

Being a Godspotter, I know that God’s right here in the middle with me– with all of us. But sometimes I just know it even if I can’t see or feel anything that tells me that’s true. I know you have those moments too and all we could do is have faith that He is still here with us. I find that in dealing with present pain, what helps the most is not talking about it to a friend (although that’s ok too), it’s in reaching out to another person who is in pain. Hard times build character, and it’s not just a cliche. Hard times show us how strong we really are. When we’re alone and we don’t even think our strength can handle it, God shows how strong He is in our weaknesses.

Of course, not everything in middle is so ma-drama or sad or hard. There is plenty to rejoice about, and things do get fun! But that belongs to another post.

But let me leave you with a continuation to David’s psalm after his lament on verses 14-20:

“I will declare your name to my people;
in the assembly I will praise you.” (Psalm 22:22 NIV)

Lord, thank You for all my days.
31 years is a long time to be faithful without fail.

Thank You for my Dad, my Mom, my Sisters and Brother.
Thank You for my Cat, the other cat and the dog
My friends at from childhood, at church, at work
Those random people I meet and love and don’t have a category
The men I loved… and don’t feel as strongly for anymore (hehe)
For the people I will eventually grow to love.
Thank You for my job
For all those articles I finished (and lost count)
For those articles I didn’t finish (can still count)
Those deadlines that I met headon and those that whooshed past
The blogs I wrote and didn’t
For the words I got credit for and didn’t

Thank you for taking me to places
All those car rides, plane rides, bus rides, train rides, boat rides
jeepney rides, tricycle rides, bike rides
All the food I ate strange, rich, bland, cheap and expensive
All the food I can still eat and all those I can’t anymore

Thank You for Jesus, and His name that brought me to life.
Thank you for making me weak so You can make me strong
For those reminders that I don’t know much, no not really, so I can learn more
For the plans I make only so You can change them
For breaking my heart so You can mend it
For taking me out of burning furnaces unbounded and without the smell of fire on me

Lord, thank You because I saw You there,
and there, and there, and there, and there
there, there, there, there… You were there
And now You’re here.
Thank God You’re here.

Thank You.

Happy Birthday to the best father in the world in the world Manny Juan! He has set such a high bar for all the men in our life, and we are so blessed to have him as our daddy.

My dad comes from a rare breed of men who fears and loves the Lord. He adores my mom, and he tirelessly protects, provides and cares for his family before himself. On top of that, he is really cool and has a quirky sense of humor! He also has great taste in clothes and shoes!

I love you, Daddy! Happy Birthday!

“Why am I doing this, really?” Andy Stanley has urged us to ask ourselves while facing the mirror, and to answer that question honestly.

I’ve been asking myself that a lot these days. Actually, for a whole year already, since I made the move to WinMakati. Especially now, with all the things I have volunteered to take on, I’m really wondering is it because I’m just stupid and activity-addicted this way, or is it something else?

What am I trying to prove? To myself, to others… to God?

“Every faculty you have, your power of thinking or of moving your limbs from moment to moment is given to you by God. If you devoted every moment of your whole life exclusively to His service, you could not give Him anything that was not in a sense His own already. So that when we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God, I will tell you what it is really life. It is like a small child going to His father and saying, “Daddy, give me a sixpence to buy you a birthday present.” Of course, the father does, and he is pleased with the child’s present. It is all very nice and proper, but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the good of the transaction. When a man has made these two discoveries, God can really get to work. It is after this that real life begins. The man is awake now…” (C.S. Lewis)

*breathes*

I’ve been thinking about what you said– about how you want things the way they were before between you and God.  And I’m telling you that you can’t get it back anymore, rather, you get something new. I don’t know if I explained myself all that well, but here’s more of what I have to say about that.

In the Bible, God said, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19) And I just love it that we have a God who doesn’t want us to be stuck in a moment–whether it was good or not– but would rather open up new horizons, lay out new roads for us to travel, find nourishment for our souls in unexpected places.

My church, WinMakati, is moving to a new place next year– well, that’s actually in a few days. We’re having our service at Greenbelt 1 Cinema 2 on January 2. Every thing’s all packed up.  A few days ago, I stood there in the midst of all the packing and I found myself staring at the walls and corners where I had very vivid memories of the first time I had been there. It filled my heart with so much strangeness– a mixture of humor, chagrin, sadness in the light of what happened between then and now. I had to literally shake myself and order myself to move on. Give thanks for those times, move on. Soon, those walls would be torn down, those corners no more. The chairs we once sat on will be moved to the next center. There’s literally no going back.

Maybe this is another lesson for us, a literal application of the forward motion God is urging us to take– both as a church and as His children. There’s still so much more to Him than what we have known in the past, and how eager He is to show us more that He doesn’t want us to keep on hanging on to the old stuff!

Isn’t this exciting?!

And so I urge you, my dear old friend (yes, even if I haven’t heard from you for over a decade before you just popped back into existence in my world, I still consider you as my friend) to keep on moving forward. Keep on walking, reaching out for Him. Don’t be afraid to ask, to seek Him. He wants to be found! Call to Him and He will answer you! This desire– this longing that you have is from Him.

God writes a different story for each of us. Do not look and be envious of what I have, or what other people have. You have your own story with Him. Live this one. Don’t give up! It’s not always easy (because that would be boring!), but trust Him, stay with Him, and He’ll take you through a great adventure in His amazing grace.

Keep on going. Consider me as one of your cheerleaders.

Happy New Year.

p.s.

random thought:

January 1, 2011 is just another day, right? But why is it that we always like to think that January 1 is kinda like a reset? We hang on to the last few days of December, putting off what we want to do for January 1 because it seems like the perfect time for a new start.

But just like January 1 is just another day, every day is a perfect day for a new start.

As someone who has spent– and is still spending– a good part of her life in transit, I know all about how it is to be en route to somewhere else. I used to joke that I live on the road, I just go home to sleep. And I often find myself at peace with this state of existence already, existing in the Now, while living for something far greater that is to come.

Ok, now that last sentence didn’t make much sense.

Now What?

These days, for some reason, my friends and I have been going through a period of wondering about where we are right now and where God is taking us, and what is it that we’re waiting for. I’ve been asked about how I measure my life’s progress versus what I’ve accomplished so far. I have been getting a lot of emails from A Slice of Infinity about waiting (like this one, “Hope without answers”); this morning, I listened to Northpoint’s latest sermon of Andy Stanley aptly titled, “The Thrill of Hope,” and last week’s sermon in midweek was basically about waiting as well.

I’ve always said that being a young adult is a period of being on the brink of something. While, everyone is always at a point of waiting for anything, I think it is most palpably felt while you’re a single young adult. That’s why this is the time when we most ask God the Whats, Whens, How and the Who. We’re done with school, we more or less know who we are, we’re earning our own money, our parents have (mostly) relinquished their control over us, and we are answerable to ourselves… now what?

This morning, I was just airing out some probabilities and situations to God. What if this, what if that. I’m not really concerned about the waiting part, I’ve long since surrendered to that fact, but it’s more about what I do while I’m waiting. Can I allow myself some mistakes– on purpose? What if things get too hard, and the questions are too difficult to answer and the I’m unable to quantify the answers? Why do I have to be good all the time? Why must I always do the right thing?! (Yes, I know the answers to these questions already, but feelings are different from what I know most of the time.)

My friends and I recently a discussion pertaining to God’s standards and what actually happens in real life– the “ideal” versus the “reality,” and I was so quick to counter, “So you’re saying God’s not realistic?!”

My friend, flustered, replied, “Of course He is! But…” She holds her hands up in the air. Yes, in the face of everything in this world, waiting just seems so… impractical.

But waiting is just that– you wait.

oh, the thrill of hope!

While once in a while I do get these waiting-themed lessons and teachings in seasons, it’s funny how now it’s happening right before Christmas, during Advent. And what it’s doing is transforming the way I see Christmas. I have gone from my childhood excitement for gifts, to Christmas-is-cantata-season, to Christmas-is-traffic-and-higher-crime rate season, but now, God has introduced me to Christmas as the not-waiting-in-vain season.

Growing up in a church, I was taught that God had already promised Jesus since the fall of man. And that’s way back in the garden of Eden! Since then, all of creation and God’s people had literally been waiting for Christmas for thousands of years! God was even silent in the several hundred years before the virgin birth. People have died while in wait (because they got old already, of course. They didn’t die from waiting!), while others have fallen away. But the thing is, there was an appointed time for Jesus to be born. No matter how long people have waited for what seemed like forever, Christmas still came!

All that waiting was never in vain!

Where were the main players when it came at the appointed time? There were Zacharias and Elizabeth who stayed righteous in the eyes of God (the parents of John the Baptist); Mary, who told Gabriel, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” and Joseph, who, though he did not understand at first, stayed with her; Simeon and Anna who knew they would see the Messiah before they died, so they waited for Jesus at the temple every day; the wise men who were doing their job watching the stars; the shepherds watching over their sheep. They were all doing where they were supposed to be at that time.

So now, in this season of waiting, the holiday rush, decors, songs, parties and whatnot have taken on a new meaning. It fills me with great anticipation for the things and the answers that are yet to come– in their appointed time. But oh I know, I know that when that happens, it will be the Perfect Moment.

And while it’s still not here, I’ll stay with the program, do the job that’s in front of me, give thanks for the time in between, and be faithful.