personally speaking

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants, the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are God’s co-workers.” (1 Cor, 3:6-9 TNIV)

As the eldest sister in our family, I grew up with my parents leaving me in charge whenever they were away. I’ve gotten so
used to being officially bossy that I actually became really bossy and started telling, not just my siblings, but also my friends and people to behave, be good, do what is right, do what you’re told. I would take it personally whenever they would get in trouble after warning them about it. It became such a burden for me, that I would often cry to God, “Why won’t they listen to me?!”

Yep. That was me. I apologize for the me from ten years ago, and for whenever bossy me pops out.

These days God and I have been working on the living with the tension between truth and love, to embrace the messiness of lives that are still in progress. This world we live in is broken and messy and it is God’s job to transform lives and for growth, not ours. As His co-workers (naks! Isn’t that awesome?!), our jobs are to plant the seeds and create the right soil for growth.

Are we creating a good environment for people to grow closer to and stronger in the Lord? Growth, as you know, is a messy process, filled with joys, spills and scrapes, triumphs and mistakes. Outward appearances and actions often hide what is going on beneath a person’s defenses. Are we quick to judge, to point out others’ mistakes and slow to forgive and accept people as they come? Or are we creating a place of absolute safety for the people among us and for the ones who are seeking Jesus?

My prayer is that we continue to learn how to love, just as Jesus loved, with arms open wide for people who are the least like Him, the sinners– like you and me.

I’m at the Naia 2 Terminal as I write this. My flight is still five hours away. It’s a combination of being a little early for the appointed check-in time (three hours before the flight) and our flight being delayed for another two and a half hours. I have no idea why we have to be here three hours before departure– why can’t it be just an hour and half?! It’s not like our airport is that big anyway.

After a year and a half of international travel hiatus (wherein I became vegan, quit two jobs and changed career paths), I am back at the international terminal again by myself, waiting for a flight, watching people and killing time. I love it. Don’t pay any attention to my whining about delayed flights and ridiculously early check-in times. I love airports. Everybody’s in transition and it’s interesting to watch them try to keep themselves occupied until it’s time for them to go.

What am I going to do in five hours here in limbo? I could be doing a lot of other things (sleeping comes to mind) or maybe not doing other things (work), but I’m here, keeping my butt warm at the laptop station because at least the chairs here are padded, unlike the cold metal benches for the rest of the travelers who didn’t bring a laptop with them. I have no idea why they thought it was a fantastic idea to make the waiting areas as uncomfortable as possible. This airport is so cold. From its chilly air-conditioning, metal benches and tiled floors.

But I love it. Don’t pay any attention to my whining. It’s just something to do to while away the time.

Somehow I don’t mind waiting here because there I have a set destination in mind. The only thing that sucks are the delays. Kinda like life, except maybe we wait longer and we can go out and find better seats to sit on while we wait. Waiting is a lot worse for chance passengers though, you are never really sure if you made it to the flight until the last minute (this happened to me and my sister in Cebu… we waited for over 24 hours!).

Someone said that waiting is actually a courageous thing to do– I wonder if that applies for people who have no choice about it?

It’s a quiet work day today so I got a lot of thinking done (as usual), looking around finding God wherever I look. Unfortunately, most of my thoughts can’t be articulated (or make good reading for you). They’re what I call bubbles of emotions mixed with words and pictures that make a lot of sense in my head, but would make boring reading. In times like these I’m glad to be assured that when I bring an armload of these inarticulate thoughts to my God, they’re understood.

I’m not even sure if I understand them myself. But if anybody could sort through my mess, I know He could.

(Just got back from ChurchNow and the message “Viral Jesus” really struck me to the core because I have been remiss in my duties as a self-appointed Godspotter. Well, here’s the first of the (hopefully) daily Godspotting entries from now on.)

Can we start all over?

This afternoon, over late lunch after an event, one of my companions mentioned that she saw a tweet from Adam Levine (of Maroon 5) that he just shaved his head as an “emotional reboot,” and we all speculated why he would tweet such a thing? Did he and his girlfriend breakup and shaving his head is his version of a breakup haircut? But whether or not it was a breakup reboot that he meant, what he tweeted is actually a good idea—a reboot.

At some point in our lives (or several points) we all would want a reboot, to start all over again minus the mistakes from the first go. Whether we got it or not, well, that’s a whole different thing all together. But remember those times when we just kick ourselves over mistakes that we’ve made years before or just a minute ago and WISH with all our might that it had never happened? I know I have a couple of years in my past that I wish I could just take an eraser to and just wipe all of those days away.

But the past never goes away, does it? It trails behind us like a snagged thread from a sweater and when you try to free yourself from it, the more you get tangled up in it. I don’t know if it’s happened to you, the sweater thing and the past thing, but it has with me.

Whenever I find myself getting entangled in the past again, I go back to a verse in the Bible (2 Corinthians 5:17) that says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come; the old has gone and the new is here!” Old sins (whether it be from years back to a minute ago) are not counted against me anymore because of Christ who has reconciled me (us!) with God.

So why should I hold my sins against myself anymore? We can’t start all over again (not literally, or not in the way we usually wish we could), but our past is not—does not have to—be a burden to us anymore. Christ has set us free!  Past mistakes are redeemed to be lessons learned and wisdom imparted. Nothing is wasted when it comes to God.

So we keep on moving forward on to new things without having to start all over again.

p.s.

ChurchNow is a gathering at McDonald’s Greenbelt 1 every first and third Wednesdays of the month. At 7-9pm. It’s not a private event and everybody’s welcome!

“I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…”

(“For Good” from the musical Wicked)

My church’s Single Adults Ministry has a series of special First Friday Fellowships called “Real Life Conversations” where we ask three people at a time to share their on-going life stories. Since we’re not exactly at the end of our lives just yet, but have gone far enough for a good sense of hindsight, Real Life Conversations are basically about works-in-progress. Each story shared is different, but what is noticeable is that they didn’t go through life alone. There were people– some helpful and  some, at that time, didn’t seem to be helpful– who played big roles in each story’s progress.

In our lives, a lot of people have helped to shape and guide us into who we are today. Some of them are still here and some have moved on. It may feel lonely sometimes because people flow in and out of our lives, just as we move in and out of theirs.

In the past six months, I have moved out of two jobs and two offices. The first one was from Metro Society at ABS CBN where I had been managing editor for three years. It wasn’t an easy move to Summit, where I eventually resigned and moved to another job a few months later. And now I’m with Stratworks (the office is just a few blocks away from my apartment). It’s hard being a new girl, and sometimes it’s just weird to realize that your old work places have moved on in your absence. Work– much like life– moves on, and while we do miss each other, I haven’t seen most of my office mates since I left my old offices.

But it’s funny. No matter where I go, new things and experiences call to mind lessons learned from the old jobs. I’ve been a freelancer for a several years too. I remember my old bosses, editors, and fellow staff members fondly because I have learned a lot from them. Some of them I still work with in occasional projects. Some I only see on Facebook now. But either way,  I don’t think I can thank them enough for the time I had working with them.

Of course, there are more people who have made their mark in my life. But that’s for another post.

For now, here’s to colleagues who have come, stayed, and moved on.

Thank you. I thank God for you.

A little background and introduction: The Daily Pandesal is a daily email devotional by the Single Adults Ministry (SAM) of Word International Makati. The Daily Pandesal is also a website that my friends and I have been putting together since time immemorial, but because we haven’t really gotten off the ground just yet, I lent the name to the SAM first.  This is the Tuesday Pandesal Liza sent us this morning all the way from Amsterdam where she is currently working on her PhD.

I have the privilege of writing the Valentine Pandesal ( I see it as a privilege not a burden, kasi sabi nga ni Iris bawal ang bitter sa Valentine’s day:) Even before Valentine’s Day I have been grappling with the problem of being in a relationship or more specifically not being in a relationship. Whatever our status whether we have a significant other or not (yet), I believe we need God’s perspective on relationships. The Lord led me to this article titled ‘Pursuing Love’ by John Fischer. http://singleness.org/pursuing.shtml

She is also responsible for pushing me to be braver out there in the dating world. So if you’re one of the guys who took me out to dinner recently because I said yes when you asked, you have Liza to thank.

Loving God:

This is different from believing in God. Of course, one must believe that God exists before he has a relationship with Him, but there’s the difference. One can believe that there is a God, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that he loves God. Loving God means that for him, God is someone who is so personal and close enough to love. Loving God means that he believes the best of Him, no matter what the circumstances may initially lead one to think. Loving God means that he is in constant pursuit of Him to know Him more. He trusts God to know what’s best and obeys Him even when he doesn’t understand. He honors God in his dealings and relationships.

I don’t know if that made any sense. It all sounded better in that imaginary conversation with that imaginary friend who may or may not like me in my head.

This leads me to my own reflection on my own relationship with my God– the God who I know loves me despite–or maybe because– of who I am. I don’t understand this love, and sometimes I don’t trust it enough to catch me when He tells me to jump. But there are times when I let myself bask in it and rest in its security. If I were to define my relationship with God, my first label would be “it’s complicated” because if anybody would ask me about it, I wouldn’t know where to begin. But I think for Him it’s simple enough: I’m His child, He knows everything there is to know about me and then some, and He has made up His mind to love me, no matter what I do. Of course, that does’t necessarily mean that everything I do pleases Him, I’m sure they don’t. I think I even sadden Him whenever I sin on purpose. And while this knowledge sometimes doesn’t keep me from sinning (to my chagrin, especially now that I’ve actually admitted and written it down), this makes me realize just how close and personal God can really get.

I know that I am talking about the all-powerful God who still gets His way and does things His way, whose plans are never thwarted. He is that big and powerful to be everything that He really is– up close and in a Creator of the Universe kind of way.

This love humbles too, because it puts me in my place.

Right now, He is my God-who-is-with-me-in-limbo.

Valentine’s Day is upon us once again. That one day in the year (excluding weddings of friends and younger relatives) that singles are reminded that they are very much single, and couples are reminded to go out on a romantic date or get flowers and whatnot. While I am not the mushy type, I think I will indulge that teeny tiny part of me for this Daily Pandesal post (sort of).

Dear You, 

I’m not going to ask you where you are now. I’m not going to be impatient. This season, I will inhabit one day at a time. I will sail into the future on mystery’s wings and I will not look back. I have been too much like the man who asks, “Are you looking for me?” Our hearts yearn backward. We long to be found, hoping our searchers have not given up and gone home. But I no longer hope to be found. Do not follow me! Let’s just be fabulously where we are and who we are. You be you and I’ll be me, today and today and today, and let’s trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet. May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies!

Until that time you can call me yours, I remain,

Stef
Yes, it’s an old blogpost I wrote for Valentine’s day in 2008. I lifted and adapted it from “Love, Stargirl” by Jerry Spinelli. Funny how even until now, I still feel the same– that hope, this determination to inhabit this season one day at a time and to be fabulously where I am and who I am, trusting the future to tomorrow.

I know that for some of us (as my well-meaning relatives never fail to remind me) that our body clocks are winding down fast, and I don’t know about you, sometimes I do feel that panic that I’m being left behind by something. And yet… and yet I am reminded to wait on the Lord.

Wait. ON. the Lord.

When I was a teenager and had been to a few love, courtship, marriage lectures already, I thought that to “Wait on the Lord” implies a lot of waiting, just sitting still until something happened. But it turns out that it could mean something else. Have you ever thought about what that “waiting on” really means? Well, that phrasal verb has a lot of meanings, but according to English.com “wait on” means “to provide someone with everything they need or want” kinda like a waiter, or a butler, something of the sort.

Waiting on Lord can also actually mean being like a waiter– standing at attention, actively serving the Lord! Great waiters anticipate what the costumer needs and immediately get it for them. Waiting on the Lord doesn’t have to be a time of idleness and impatience for the perfect time, but a time to serve Him wholeheartedly–especially in places and circumstances where we’re not expected to serve Him.

I’ve read so many articles about the virtues of waiting (and there are times when we really do have to sit still– Psalm 27:14 tells us to “Wait for the Lord”), but let me just invite you to reflect on that phrasal verb in a different way, especially this season when it feels like we’ve just been waiting and waiting and waiting for that “ONE.” He/she could come soon, or later, or 20 years from now… or never. But don’t despair. Let tomorrow worry about itself, as Jesus said, seek first the kingdom of heaven, and all these things shall be added unto you.

“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 24:31

Love,

Stef

p.s. Please join the National YA’s Post-Valentines event: A Prom to Remember. Let’s have fun and be cheesy with fellow young adults from other WIN churches.

Date: Feb 17, 2012 (Friday)
Time: 7pm to 11pm
Venue: The Collumns, cor. Ayala and Buendia ave., Makati

Attire: semiformal (dress for the ladies, long sleeves and slacks at least for the men)

Reg fee: P350-P500

I may not always say so (being the big sister, for some reason, rarely affords me that opportunity to do this), but I’m really proud of you. And even if you’re only just a few days in as a JC’s wife, I know you’ll do me proud too. Your marriage is just one of those things that people instantly know is just right (even if you and JC still looked like kids playing dress up at that crazy gorgeous wedding), and I know that God will bless you two and your ministry because this is all Him, and He will be with you two down this road.

So, be good to each other. And let’s have dinner in Makati still, once in a while, ok?

Love, Ate

I tried hitting the ground running this new year, but I kinda stumbled over myself and spent the first few days metaphorically on my butt, dazed on the ground with metaphorical scrapes on my chin and elbows, and the taste of dirt in my mouth. On hindsight, I didn’t end last year all that well, mainly for the fact that I was just glad to make it to the end alive.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m trying not to succumb to all the helpful words from well-meaning individuals who tell me, “Napag-iwanan ka na. (You got left behind.)” Because my youngest sister is getting married next weekend. I’ve got all these snappy comebacks ready, but I do get tired of hearing them and forcing a fake smile on my face whenever I do. My family tells me to just let it go out of the other ear, but it’s getting to the point where I wonder if I’m just kidding myself whenever I think that I’m quite happy with my status right now. (Sometimes I get scared that I’m too content, because while being single at this age is pretty good, I do would like to move on from this level.)

But what if– what if I did miss the boat, the flight, or whatever it is they’re equivalent to in life, and I’m stuck here–to be always in the midst of transition, in the period of adjustment, a plan that’s always in the works? To exist in limbo.

(Oh, God.)

My greatest fear is being a permanent potential, having a great promise that is never fulfilled. Much like a lot of my essays and stories that are never finished or routines started that just never caught on.

But.

Of course there’s a but. I grew up knowing my Creator is a God who finishes His creation. He sees everything through, from beginning until the end. And even while I don’t feel it right now, He has set my life on forward motion. To where exactly, and how– I don’t know. But I do know that I’d be even more lost without Him.

To be even more honest (I’m trying to be more honest this year too), as I am slowly sifting through my life to get rid of the clutter (sometimes it’s like my life is built around the clutter), I’m feeling less and less sure about myself. It’s an odd feeling for me to not know of what to do or what I can do, and I’m getting acquainted with this feeling more and more these days.

I wish I could just fast forward to the day when all lessons have been learned and I’m done adjusting, and I’ve finally arrived at the place where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I would actually pray that (worth the shot). But God always says the same thing,

“My grace is enough for your weakness. Today.”

And by this same grace I’m finding out just how enough it is.