dare you to move

“I don’t want to go and see things that will make me change,” I heard one lady say in a video at the International Care Ministries dinner this evening. I think she speaks for most of us today.

As images of poverty and sickness flashed in half dozen projector screens in the Rizal ballroom of Makati Shangri-la, the irony was not lost to the audience, who were dressed to the nines, eating an expensive dinner. But, as Marietta Santos, the grand lady who had invited us there, said, “I brought you here so you would be aware of what’s happening, and to get you to help.”

photo by Jorem/Sheila Catilo for Moms for Moms

“I don’t like seeing these kinds of things,” I heard the lady mutter from across the table from me. I watched her as she just kept her eyes on the table while the rest of her friends murmured and gasped at how most of our fellow Filipinos live.

Even my stomach couldn’t help feel queasy at the site of the squalor people actually live in.

photo by Espen Rasmussen / Panos for MSF

I get overwhelmed whenever I see images like these. There are just so many people in need! How can I– or anyone– help them? Even with all the organizations, volunteers, donations, there doesn’t seem to be an end to the poverty. There will always be people who are sick, hungry, poor, with hands outstretched for help, any help they could get.

I work in a magazine that features luxury, high society, exclusivity and high-end goodies that only a few can afford. Most of the time, I find myself surrounded by these few people, with their shoes that I can afford if I don’t eat for a month, and bags that cost a year’s salary of a managing editor. It’s part of the job. At the other end of the spectrum, but still my job, I see the ugly, the poor and the broken in society. And I meet people who are helping, and looking for more people to help, other people.

I often make this half-meant joke, “Lord, can you give me enough money to give away?” But so far, still not much money is left to give away after the bills. I’m thinking that maybe God wants me to help in some other way.

Because why else would He make me see these things?

from my_sarisari_store.typepad.com

“What does God think about poverty and injustice?” I remember that question raised by a speaker in Station One last year. With so much in the world that is going wrong, God must want to make it right! But how? What is the church doing about it?

I believe that truth does not become really true to us unless it affects the way we live. Truth moves people– often out of our comfort zones and into a place that is smelly, ugly, and in need. So we see these people in need and we feel pity for them. But that’s not enough. That’s not true enough. We have to move. We have to do something.

But what can I do? I don’t have anything, I don’t have much money to give, I’m so busy with work and other things that  barely have enough to sleep as is…

Then God asks, “What’s that in your hand?”

——

p.s. I’m compiling a list of charities for people to donate to this Christmas. If you have a recommendation, just leave a comment below, preferrably with contact details, or even just a website. Thanks!

TRUTH (even if it’s not a Thursday) THURSDAY (yet): I AM CHOOSING

“I am choosing.”

I always tell myself that, especially these days. Feeling trapped is really a bad way to go. There is always a choice, and if you’re fortunate enough, it’s between two good choices. I’ve been learning, since I was a teenager, that choices lead to future choices, and it’s always better to look at least two choices ahead because I wouldn’t want to be led somewhere where I would have to eventually have to choose between two paths I don’t like.

These days I am choosing to always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere.

I am choosing to stay.

today

Today I watched an end of an era… on TV.

Today I wore my boots and a long sleeved blouse and jeans into a rainy day.

Today I loved a cute little doggie too much and scared him.

Today I got a sculpture of a full-bodied woman.

Today I pushed my body to its painful limits.

Today I remembered that my mom, at my age now, was already taking care of two daughters, while I’m living in the city taking care of myself.

Today I walked with the wind on my back and my hair on my ice cream cone.

Today I, with my sisters in faith, celebrated being a woman, wondered at stories and the Author of it all.

Today, I give thanks for this life. For this time in history.

Today, just like on any other day, I wonder if I’m meant to do big things, and if so– what are they and how am I going to do them?

Today, I will do the small things that I have to do and give thanks.

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

07/08/09

it’s nice to be reminded and to celebrate these small things. this day won’t happen again for another millennium!

(makes me kinda wish that i didn’t spend most of it just trying to feel better.)

but still… *hugs self* i love that i’m alive today.

in the name of hope

last night, i was going through some old blog posts and found this essay by Jenny Schroadel that i picked up from Boundless zine she titled “In the Name of Hope”. I posted it at the beginning of 2008 and I guess it’s part of that thing i started last year about not worrying and just enjoying what I have at the moment. and i think, something God wanted  remind to remind me of once again.

Things haven’t been really easy right now for me. But i’m not lying whenever i tell people that i’m just awesome whenever they ask how I am… it’s just that the struggle never stops. There are still some things– emotions, issues, questions, worries– that i daily have to choose to let go of to move forward.

If you want to act in the name of hope, you must first become aware of the voices of despair, that come to us both consciously and unconsciously — voices that sneer, “You mess everything up” or “You’ll always be alone.”

and once recognized, the best way to fight these voices of despair is to do concrete acts of hope. As Steven Press field wrote in The War of Art, “Never forget: this very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to change our destiny…. This second we can sit down and work.”

Over the years, I’ve tried to strike a balance between being open to good possibilities — and being willing to move toward them as they become more tangible, while also admitting that sometimes the things I want most might not, in the end, be what I need.

Years ago, when I was trying to decide if I should go to college or on a short-term missions trip a pastor offered me this advice. He said, “Don’t pray for doors to open. Just keep walking forward and pray that God will close the doors that he doesn’t want you to walk through.” Or as my seminary professor Dr. Albert Rossi likes to say, “Just do the next, best thing.”

But of course, when God closes the door, and hope seems elusive, that’s when we need it most. Hope is the flashlight we hold onto as we stumble through the dark toward the open window…

Hope is not presumption. Even if it spreads its branches toward heaven, it is rooted in the soil of this earth. We don’t just assume — or promise to others — outcomes that have no basis in reality. Hope most often seems to work in the confines of our own experiences, the limits of human time, and in our frail bodies — bodies that sometimes don’t get well no matter how hard we pray.

I’m not expecting that things are going to change and my struggle for hope will be won as soon as I pray, get off this bed, get showered, dressed and out of the door. Today, I will, just as I had in most days before (I can’t claim to be THAT consistent yet), walk and live in the name of hope. Because hope is learned on the job, not inside a room while thinking about it.

“Hope is learned — it is not a given. You don’t just do it; you don’t just have it; you grope for it in the dark…As we find hope, we find evidence that He’s just been here. Hope is the bread crumbs that God leaves for us, not just to find our deepest desire or dream — but Him.” (Jarrod Voltz, died of cancer at the age of 29)

One of the best things about believing in God (and I have been called “delusional” many times for this), is that I know that I’m not alone. There is the One, who is much more powerful, ultimately wiser and more patient that I could ever be, who watches over me. And when I hope in Him, it never fails, because He never fails.

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. (Romans 5:5)

Today, I will walk in the name of hope.

peace like a river

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

as the pressures at work and in my personal life (plus the monthly attacks of the PMS monster) are piling up on top of each other, especially these days, i find myself stopping in wonder at the peace that’s keeping me sane through everything.

the month of May and the early weeks of June hasn’t been an easy for me and especially to a number of people close to me. i’ve been to five wakes out of the six that i meant to go to– four people close to me had to bury their parents, my editor in chief lost his best friend the other week, seven days later, his dad passed away as well.  no way am i comparing my month to theirs.

but you know what i mean–those days when most of the things that could go wrong went wrong. we can’t even close our issue for this month (two weeks late!!!) when we were doing rather well before. i haven’t been getting sleep, my dreams have been disturbing. i get to the office in the morning, and i could already feel the strain. people that i count on have let me down…

but the peace! This PEACE that passes beyond understanding has been keeping me together. sure, there are times when i felt the tears trying to get out while on the way to work because i know what’s waiting for me when i get to the office. and there are things that are a wrench to give up, but i have to… when the river does not look peaceful at all.  but even if on the surface, everything is churning, i could feel the peace anchoring me, steadying me, holding me close.

it’s like finding a spot of pure stillness in the middle of this chaos, cold water in a really hot day, snuggling under a warm blanket in a really cold night, a soft soft pillow with fresh linen sheets, a bite of really good chocolate. that comfort that digs deep down and fills you with the warm fuzzies. and without fail, this peace makes me smile in the most random moments in a crazy day.

i’ve been called delusional and all sorts of names lately by people for this sort of conviction, but things have never been so clear when i finally admitted that even if there are things and circumstances that are beyond my control, there is One who is always in control. And the One who is in control is big enough to accomodate the smallest detail of every person’s life. and not only that, He cares about every one. He cares about me! And He wants what’s best for me! He’s never let me down before so I can rest easy on that thought.

this is the kind of peace that doesn’t get affected by what’s happening outside of me.

try to wrap your mind around that.

i guess that’s why they call it “the peace that passes all understanding.”

brief lives

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die…”

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-2)

God’s fair. Everyone gets a lifetime.

(image from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman: Brief Lives)