just between You and me

(I’ve listened to Jars of Clay’s “Who we are instead” album several times already, but on this particular afternoon yesterday, while stuck in traffic, this song made me keep on playing it over and over again. I read the lyrics and sang the song over and over again. For some reason, I think, God chose this time for me to pay attention to the message and not just merely enjoy the melody.)

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I’ve been unfaithful
With lovers in lines
While you’re turning over tables
With the rage of a jealous kind

I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Tryin’ to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
Solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than be broken by a lover I don’t understand
‘Cause I don’t understand

Have I been unfaithful to You, Lord? Every time I put something or somebody else at the center of my heart and affections, bypassing You, I know I have cheated on You.

I remember praying not too long ago (even as I was so scared to pray it), that I want You to be at front and center in my life. I was so in love with a boy that thoughts of him saturated everything I do and everywhere I went. And I couldn’t help it, I had given my heart to him. But I knew that my heart was Yours first, and I was worried that I had taken it back and given it to the boy instead. Because You’re invisible! He’s flesh and blood. When he held my hand, I could feel the warmth and the strength of his bones and sinews, I felt his heartbeat when he held me in his embrace. I know You’re there, but I couldn’t feel Your hug, I never see Your smile with my own eyes! You didn’t joke around with my friends like he did. I tried rationalizing that we give glory and honor to You through my love for him, but I knew that this wasn’t the case.

I guess it was at that point when I realized that even while I was happy back then with the boy, it couldn’t be complete because I had You trade places with him. I could only be happy with You first. And when the boy started failing– when we were both failing each other– it was bound to happen, though I still wish it had turned out differently.

You have every right to be jealous, because my heart was, and will always be, Yours. And when I, fallen and broken, turned to You, You scooped me up in Your arms and held me together. You were my safety when I wanted to cry. You showed me how it is to be loved and pampered, and still not be left all empty and spent. You restored my joy, gave me peace and kept me whole when everything should be broken. And while it still hurts, You never let me feel that I should be over it by now. But You gently prod me to keep on moving forward.

When I look back to my other relationships, I’ve always meant for them to please You first. But it never turns out that way. My emotions, my lust, my needs, I get in the way. A case of loving none to wisely, but too well. But O, Lord… Let it be different next time. You take over. You come first before him.

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart’s deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride…

Love of a jealous kind…

(A Jealous Kind, Jars of Clay)

“I imagine that being in a relationship is like learning to play the piano, or any instrument for that matter. There is no sheet music for life. You hit a couple of notes and sometimes you get lucky and they actually sound pretty good together. But more often than not, you immediately forget everything that you just did and in searching for the same sequence of notes you actually stumble upon a completely different melody that is even better than the original.”

(Clayton Austin, Hammers and Strings)

can i have a someday to be in a picture like this? it doesn’t have to have a piano. but i think i’d like to keep the clouds.

Dear Abba,

I’m remembering the crippled man that Jesus healed by the pool. He and I have a lot in common. I’ve always wondered about him. What happened to him afterward when he realized that leg muscles hurt, feet get dirty and cut, and he can’t make people carry him around anymore? Did he realize that miracles can only take him so far, and it’s the daily living of the healed that we would need You the most?

I’m certainly learning that. Now.

I’m not complaining— well, not now. You have put up with a lot my whining about this before, but, as always, You have been so patient. You know that I would get it sooner or later. I’m sorry for acting like I miss being crippled even after You have healed me. I find it really strange to miss that life, even if I know that I don’t want to go back to it anymore.

I am grateful that You have made me walk again.

So… where are we going?

Thank you for these times when I’m really tired, i find my rest in You.

And I can find You anywhere.

Oh Lord, I don’t know where to look. I don’t even want to open my eyes because I’ll see this… this horror, this inhumanity, this… I don’t know what to call it anymore. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

Where are we going from here? Where are you taking us? We need You more than ever, when the people who are supposed to be in charge are failing.

Lord, my God, I know You’re here somewhere. I need to see You. We need to see you.

Let Your justice and righteousness reign, O God. We will wait on You.

“… we have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.”
2 Chronicles 20:12

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For more on the Maguindanao massacre: here, here, here.

Whenever I catch a glimpse of the past in the light of the present, I cannot help but be grateful for how far You have taken me. Yes, there were some kicking and screaming episodes– even during those times when I should know better already. I’m glad you didn’t let me run away and let me learn that sometimes it’s braver to just stay.

And You’re here, with me. And I feel that awesome security of having You near.

I love you. You never let me go.