just between You and me

When You said, “Deny Yourself.”

I said, “I do that all the time.”
I do right, I eat right,
I try not to say the wrong things.
I make friends with all the right people.
I go out of my way to help people
(and try not to complain (much) when it’s too out of the way)
I give my change to the poor and 10 percent to church.
I try not to get upset when You don’t answer my prayers.

When You said, “Follow me.”
I thought You meant to just go where You might’ve gone.
I go to Bible studies, small groups, fellowships every week.
Sometimes I go to far places.
I go to church and pray and read the Bible
even if I don’t feel like it.

I didn’t really know what else to deny myself
Then You showed me when prayed,
“Not my will, but Your will be done.”

And when You told me that if I want to be Your disciple,
You said to take up my cross and follow You.

I didn’t really know what a cross was
until You brought it up Yourself on that hill.

(From Luke 9:23)

Thoughts from our church’s prayer meeting tonight, where Pastor Erick asked (as soon as I came in through the door), what is the cost of discipleship. And I replied, “Everything.” I didn’t know what I was talking about, and the question followed me all the way home.

Sometimes when I’m confronted by the cost of discipleship, I go for it– sometimes; sometimes I hesitantly walk away to “think about it,” and sometimes I try to haggle the price down.

Like what I’m learning from Andy Stanley’s current series at Northpoint Community Church, “Christian,” it’s easy to call myself a Christian because it can mean a lot of things, but do I dare be a disciple of Christ?

This is going to be an interesting season.

“Now, I’ve found, the greatest love of all is mine
Since You’ve laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.”

(“Majesty,” Martin Smith)

Lord, thank You for all my days.
31 years is a long time to be faithful without fail.

Thank You for my Dad, my Mom, my Sisters and Brother.
Thank You for my Cat, the other cat and the dog
My friends at from childhood, at church, at work
Those random people I meet and love and don’t have a category
The men I loved… and don’t feel as strongly for anymore (hehe)
For the people I will eventually grow to love.
Thank You for my job
For all those articles I finished (and lost count)
For those articles I didn’t finish (can still count)
Those deadlines that I met headon and those that whooshed past
The blogs I wrote and didn’t
For the words I got credit for and didn’t

Thank you for taking me to places
All those car rides, plane rides, bus rides, train rides, boat rides
jeepney rides, tricycle rides, bike rides
All the food I ate strange, rich, bland, cheap and expensive
All the food I can still eat and all those I can’t anymore

Thank You for Jesus, and His name that brought me to life.
Thank you for making me weak so You can make me strong
For those reminders that I don’t know much, no not really, so I can learn more
For the plans I make only so You can change them
For breaking my heart so You can mend it
For taking me out of burning furnaces unbounded and without the smell of fire on me

Lord, thank You because I saw You there,
and there, and there, and there, and there
there, there, there, there… You were there
And now You’re here.
Thank God You’re here.

Thank You.

A PERSONAL PRAYER

O God, the Light of the heart that sees You,
The Life of the soul that loves You,
The Strength of the mind that seeks You:
May I ever continue to be steadfast in Your love.
Be the joy of my heart;
Take all of me to Yourself, and abide therein.
The house of my soul is, I confess, too narrow for You.
Enlarge it that You may enter.
It is ruinous, but do repair it.
It has within it what must offend Your eyes;
I confess and know it,
But whose help shall I seek in cleansing it but Yours alone?
To You, O God, I cry urgently.
Cleanse me from secret faults.
Keep me from false pride and sensuality
That they not get dominion over me.

(St. Augustine)

a devotion

I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)

There’s really no escaping You, is there? It wasn’t even a prayer, but I remember almost two decades before, telling my camp counselor that I want to know You “not just in an abstract ‘there is a God and He loves me way,’ but something more.” I guess what I meant was I wanted You to invade every aspect in my life so that my reality will be You over everything else. It wasn’t even a prayer, yet You took me up on that invitation. Now I have 30 and so years to look back to and see much how You’ve turned my world topsy turvy. Yes, even  at times I didn’t expect or even want You to. And I couldn’t take back what I said so many years before, when I was too young to know anything other than You. Your timing works so well that way.

Nothing is off-limits to You.

You’ve taken everything I held dear and showed me how much they are worth. My plans You have shaken into disarray and let me watch as Yours unfold far more beautifully than I could ever daydream or make them for myself. Through Your love, I love–even those I don’t want to love. It is by Your strength that I keep on moving forward. Jesus, it is by Your grace that I am forgiven and I forgive.

Thank You for never letting me forget it.

Eclipse everything in my sight, as I set You always before me.

by Francesca Battistelli

You were there when your Father said
Let there be light
You obeyed when He whispered
Son, You have to leave tonight
To spend nine months in a mothers womb
Three days in a borrowed tomb

(Chorus One)
But it’s the time in between
That brings me to my knees
Knowing you came for me
And all that I can’t be
I’m amazed, so amazed
And I thank You for the time in between

Don’t take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You’re holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again

(Chorus Two)
But it’s the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You’ll bring
And the things that I can’t see
I know my song’s incomplete
Still I’ll sing in the time in between

So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I’m grateful for them all

(Chorus 3)
But it’s the time in between
The middle of two thieves
That says everything
It’s the reason I believe
I’m amazed, so amazed
And I thank you for the time in between
Oh Lord, I thank you for the time in between

I know, now, more than ever (as I’m buried up to my neck with work and obligations and promises– “up to my neck” very fitting. heh. since i feel like i can’t move from all the pressure), I need to find You in everything and anything. I can’t go through a day without You.

I wish for more quiet times with You, but then again. Maybe that’s what all these crazy traffic jams on EDSA are for.

p.s. I love You. My heart beats for You.

i’m tired. i feel it from my skin down to my bones.
my eyes are half closed and my heart throbs like so:
one.. and a two… and again.
all i want is to be still

when i’m tired, every word is a barb to be thrown back at you
each request is too heavy to bear
a prayer is a cry for help
each tear burns in despair

but You, my God, are greater
than everything I throw Your way
greater than all my whining and tantrums
bigger than all the problems I make for myself

You carved the roads through the wilderness
make the sun rise from the east in glorious display
You fan the wind on my back
and lend a song to go with my day

You open doors before me
and windows to let the air and light come in
You bring friends with arms to hold
and a family to put up with me.

Oh, Lord, my God, my comfort and strength
my heart rejoices, give thanks
and will keep on singing your praise
for all my hours and days

(I am living by Your grace).

(I’ve listened to Jars of Clay’s “Who we are instead” album several times already, but on this particular afternoon yesterday, while stuck in traffic, this song made me keep on playing it over and over again. I read the lyrics and sang the song over and over again. For some reason, I think, God chose this time for me to pay attention to the message and not just merely enjoy the melody.)

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I’ve been unfaithful
With lovers in lines
While you’re turning over tables
With the rage of a jealous kind

I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Tryin’ to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
Solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than be broken by a lover I don’t understand
‘Cause I don’t understand

Have I been unfaithful to You, Lord? Every time I put something or somebody else at the center of my heart and affections, bypassing You, I know I have cheated on You.

I remember praying not too long ago (even as I was so scared to pray it), that I want You to be at front and center in my life. I was so in love with a boy that thoughts of him saturated everything I do and everywhere I went. And I couldn’t help it, I had given my heart to him. But I knew that my heart was Yours first, and I was worried that I had taken it back and given it to the boy instead. Because You’re invisible! He’s flesh and blood. When he held my hand, I could feel the warmth and the strength of his bones and sinews, I felt his heartbeat when he held me in his embrace. I know You’re there, but I couldn’t feel Your hug, I never see Your smile with my own eyes! You didn’t joke around with my friends like he did. I tried rationalizing that we give glory and honor to You through my love for him, but I knew that this wasn’t the case.

I guess it was at that point when I realized that even while I was happy back then with the boy, it couldn’t be complete because I had You trade places with him. I could only be happy with You first. And when the boy started failing– when we were both failing each other– it was bound to happen, though I still wish it had turned out differently.

You have every right to be jealous, because my heart was, and will always be, Yours. And when I, fallen and broken, turned to You, You scooped me up in Your arms and held me together. You were my safety when I wanted to cry. You showed me how it is to be loved and pampered, and still not be left all empty and spent. You restored my joy, gave me peace and kept me whole when everything should be broken. And while it still hurts, You never let me feel that I should be over it by now. But You gently prod me to keep on moving forward.

When I look back to my other relationships, I’ve always meant for them to please You first. But it never turns out that way. My emotions, my lust, my needs, I get in the way. A case of loving none to wisely, but too well. But O, Lord… Let it be different next time. You take over. You come first before him.

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart’s deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride…

Love of a jealous kind…

(A Jealous Kind, Jars of Clay)

“I imagine that being in a relationship is like learning to play the piano, or any instrument for that matter. There is no sheet music for life. You hit a couple of notes and sometimes you get lucky and they actually sound pretty good together. But more often than not, you immediately forget everything that you just did and in searching for the same sequence of notes you actually stumble upon a completely different melody that is even better than the original.”

(Clayton Austin, Hammers and Strings)

can i have a someday to be in a picture like this? it doesn’t have to have a piano. but i think i’d like to keep the clouds.