Well, so that is that.  Now we must dismantle the tree,

Putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes –

Some have got broken — and carrying them up to the attic.

The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,

And the children got ready for school.  There are enough

Left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week –

Not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot,

Stayed up so late, attempted — quite unsuccessfully –

To love all of our relatives, and in general

Grossly overestimated our powers.  Once again

As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed

To do more than entertain it as an agreeable

Possibility, once again we have sent Him away,

Begging though to remain His disobedient servant,

The promising child who cannot keep His word for long.

The Christmas Feast is already a fading memory,

And already the mind begins to be vaguely aware

Of an unpleasant whiff of apprehension at the thought

Of Lent and Good Friday which cannot, after all, now

Be very far off.  But, for the time being, here we all are,

Back in the moderate Aristotelian city

Of darning and the Eight-Fifteen, where Euclid’s geometry

And Newton’s mechanics would account for our experience,

And the kitchen table exists because I scrub it.

It seems to have shrunk during the holidays.  The streets

Are much narrower than we remembered; we had forgotten

The office was as depressing as this.  To those who have seen

The Child, however dimly, however incredulously,

The Time Being is, in a sense, the most trying time of all.

For the innocent children who whispered so excitedly

Outside the locked door where they knew the presents to be

Grew up when it opened.  Now, recollecting that moment

We can repress the joy, but the guilt remains conscious;

Remembering the stable where for once in our lives

Everything became a You and nothing was an It.

And craving the sensation but ignoring the cause,

We look round for something, no matter what, to inhibit

Our self-reflection, and the obvious thing for that purpose

Would be some great suffering.  So, once we have met the Son,

We are tempted ever after to pray to the Father;

“Lead us into temptation and evil for our sake.”

They will come, all right, don’t worry; probably in a form

That we do not expect, and certainly with a force

More dreadful than we can imagine.  In the meantime

There are bills to be paid, machines to keep in repair,

Irregular verbs to learn, the Time Being to redeem

From insignificance.  The happy morning is over,

The night of agony still to come; the time is noon:

When the Spirit must practice his scales of rejoicing

Without even a hostile audience, and the Soul endure

A silence that is neither for nor against her faith

That God’s Will will be done, That, in spite of her prayers,

God will cheat no one, not even the world of its triumph.

“The Lost City of Mars” by Ray Bradbury (from the collection of his short stories I Sing the Body Electric!)

Dear Tita Carol,

I hope you don’t mind if I make my first email to you is an open one. I wanted you to see my blog too—and let my readers—at least, the few that I have— know where I have been lately because I haven’t updated my blog for a while now. It’s kinda dusty from lack of use for the past month or so, but if you’ll look at the “What is Godspotting?” page you’ll see that this is all about finding God in the everyday  and in the mundane—the mostly small stuff. And I guess you can say that that’s how I am approaching life right now. It’s taken me a while to get here, but it’s the one thing that keeps me from despairing over the calamities of the tiny universe in my head (where everything defaults to revolving around me, if I don’t watch it) and over the calamities in this world that I share with everyone else. Not that big stuff stopped happening to me and to the people around anymore—they do, but lately I’ve been loving the small things. It comes with age I guess.

Speaking of age…

I’m 29 now. (Next year, I’ll be 30!!!!)

Usually, I have this great Big Think on my birthday, and then a party afterwards. But I kinda missed my 29^th birthday, being on neither side of the world where it happened. It’s rather cool when you think about it, but mostly, I just slept through it (with the help of the awesome business class seats of PAL).  So anyway, I didn’t get to do my Big Think, thank God—but instead, it stretched throughout the next few weeks (hence, I’ve been quiet on the blog until now).

I was just reflecting on that on the way to meeting with Grace for our weekly hanging out (AKA “small group”) that I’m homeless, in terms of church and ministry. Funny to think that even if I have a pastor for a boyfriend and he has his own church, and I have you guys from UCM, plus my church in Imus, Cavite. But things have been shifting and changing, and I don’t know where to place myself. At least, not yet…

As for my job, it’s the first time I’ve actually consistently gone to an office for more than a year. I love my job. Like anything, I get frustratedannoyedexasperated and stressed over it. I think I contemplate changing my career at least once a month, but I love it. And I’m still at it. Jacs,  one of my friends here in the office, and I proposed a magazine idea to the big bosses a few months ago, so we’re praying about that.

So I moved out of my parents’ house and I’m now renting a place in Makati. I love living here, but then the lease on our apartment will be up at the end of the year—I don’t know if we’re keeping it or moving to another place, or I’ll go back to driving again (please God no).

And what next? Please don’t say marriage, or “Get married” or ask, “Why aren’t you married yet?” I get that question in various versions every single day. I only have one answer to that: when it happens, it will be at the perfect moment.

So where is Stef now? I think it’s gone the way of my 29^th birthday—in the middle of somewhere, in between days, in between the morning and the night time. In between everything. Like every other single (as long as you’re not married, you’re still single) young adult, I’m still on the brink of something hopefully great and legendary. I can feel the great expanse waiting for me, just as I am waiting to get there.

And all I have is right now—this moment, these words, this day. My family, my friends, my beloved. My cat and my hamster.  Our flat in Makati. My job, my work, my cubicle, this laptop I drag around with me every day. My clothes, shoes, and bags, makeup. This blog, my facebook, twitter accounts.

I also have this peace. This overwhelming sense of security despite of all that is happening to our country, to our people. I don’t understand it, I don’t think I ever will fully comprehend it, but I’m glad I have it.

And I have my great awesome God, who’s bigger than the biggest problem, yet so near to hear even the tiniest of prayers.

I know He’s here with me in the middle of somewhere. I can see His thumbprint on everything.

So here, by the grace of God, goes Stef, still Godspotting.

p.s. be emailing you more later.

I’m talking about the Northern Adventure Race is a Point to Point Race with Checkpoints. (Manila – Baguio – San Fernando, La Union – Dagupan – Subic)

The goal is to reach the Finish Line with the least time and within the limits of the law. A minimum time from point to point shall be set by Race Director using a theoretical computation between distance and maximum speed limits.

Every minute under theoretical time will mean incurring a penalty of plus 5 minutes.

(I find this race cool and different because instead of racing to set the least time to get to one point to another, a time has already been set, and you must comply to it. Not to beat it, but to do your darndest to meet it, or at least come close. I got a bit confused on the rule that states that you get a penalty if you’re ahead of the time! This requires a different kind of precision driving, and if you’re up for the challenge, this will be awesome.

Kinda like God’s laws and standards, huh? We don’t make the call, the standards have been set. I think this is a lot harder than going out there and setting the standards ourselves.)

Anyway, here are the Mechanics:

- Interested participants can fill up Registration Form at www.m150unleashed.multiply.com
- Email separately soft copies of the following requirements to m150unleashed@gmail.com (a) 2×2 individual photos of Team Members, (b) scanned valid license of appointed driver and co-driver, (c) pic of car to be used for the Race, (d) scanned car registration. If Team doesn’t own car, submit authorization from registered owner.
- Attend the Aug 29 Project Launch in Greenhills Shopping Complex, 9pm. Bring car and photocopies of required documents.
- No Registration Fee for the first 50 Cars who will be approved to join.
- After 50 Cars, Registration Fee of P1000 will be imposed. Reg Fees shall be made part of the Grand Prize
- To determine if you are part of the first 50 Cars with no Registration Fee, an email will be sent back to you confirming your Registration Number. A slot will be reserved for you pending final confirmation on August 29 during the Launch Celebration.

Hotlines: (632) 707.9859 / (632) 393.0288
Cell: (63) 9193292013 / (63) 9228808805
Email : m150unleashed@gmail.com

Godspeed guys. I wanna join this race too. I love to drive!

Today I carry Joseph’s colorful coat.
David’s harp.
Noah’s ark.
Moses’ staff.
Jacob’s ladder.
Ruth’s gleanings.

I carry my mother’s heart. Tender, yet strong.
I carry my father’s love that goes deeper than his pockets can go, and still it gives and gives and gives some more.
I carry my brothers. my sisters.
(and my seester carries the Sky.)

I carry with me Home. down roads i can travel in my sleep, alleyways and byways and highways.
I carry with me the people i meet.

I carry the warmth of my hand in his.
(and I carry his (heart) in mine.)

I carry with me sunsets on the water,
trees and mountains, and behind the cathedral bell tower.
I carry a kite and the bright blue sky embracing it.
I carry a city’s quiet streets.
I carry the waves the rise and fall and  hiss and roar
I carry the cat, the whole armful of him and the scratches he don’t mean to give.
I carry bubbles, rainbows and other fragile things.

Today I carry my name. (and i don’t get to keep my name.)

and I carry my heart.
with
This hope.
This love and (not-so secret) love.
This forgiveness.
I carry with me my faith.
that
you Lord, you carry me.

(reposted, edited from June 5, 2008)

me: “should i go blog today?”

me: “nah.”

not that nothing much has been happening, quite the opposite, actually. so much, that the space i have in between happenings are jealously guarded as  no-writing-time. hence, not blogging.

but the Godspotting still goes on.

i love it how our God is big enough to care about even the most trivial things… I got mineral foundation and mascara (and then some) from L’Oreal just when I was about to run out!

(yes, i could be just over-spiritualizing things… but i’m learning to give thanks in every and any situation. it’s not like i pray for free makeup! i just know where to credit these unexpected windfalls to.)