I tried hitting the ground running this new year, but I kinda stumbled over myself and spent the first few days metaphorically on my butt, dazed on the ground with metaphorical scrapes on my chin and elbows, and the taste of dirt in my mouth. On hindsight, I didn’t end last year all that well, mainly for the fact that I was just glad to make it to the end alive.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m trying not to succumb to all the helpful words from well-meaning individuals who tell me, “Napag-iwanan ka na. (You got left behind.)” Because my youngest sister is getting married next weekend. I’ve got all these snappy comebacks ready, but I do get tired of hearing them and forcing a fake smile on my face whenever I do. My family tells me to just let it go out of the other ear, but it’s getting to the point where I wonder if I’m just kidding myself whenever I think that I’m quite happy with my status right now. (Sometimes I get scared that I’m too content, because while being single at this age is pretty good, I do would like to move on from this level.)

But what if– what if I did miss the boat, the flight, or whatever it is they’re equivalent to in life, and I’m stuck here–to be always in the midst of transition, in the period of adjustment, a plan that’s always in the works? To exist in limbo.

(Oh, God.)

My greatest fear is being a permanent potential, having a great promise that is never fulfilled. Much like a lot of my essays and stories that are never finished or routines started that just never caught on.

But.

Of course there’s a but. I grew up knowing my Creator is a God who finishes His creation. He sees everything through, from beginning until the end. And even while I don’t feel it right now, He has set my life on forward motion. To where exactly, and how– I don’t know. But I do know that I’d be even more lost without Him.

To be even more honest (I’m trying to be more honest this year too), as I am slowly sifting through my life to get rid of the clutter (sometimes it’s like my life is built around the clutter), I’m feeling less and less sure about myself. It’s an odd feeling for me to not know of what to do or what I can do, and I’m getting acquainted with this feeling more and more these days.

I wish I could just fast forward to the day when all lessons have been learned and I’m done adjusting, and I’ve finally arrived at the place where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I would actually pray that (worth the shot). But God always says the same thing,

“My grace is enough for your weakness. Today.”

And by this same grace I’m finding out just how enough it is.