Archive for January, 2012

“We are bruised and broken masterpieces,
but we did not paint ourselves.
And where will I find you?”
(Jon Foreman, “The Economy of Mercy”)

On Genesis 28:10-22

Can you imagine being stripped of everything that you own that all you have is a rock for a pillow? At one point in his life, Abraham’s grandson Jacob found himself without everything that he had except for the clothes on his back, running for his life (because his brother wanted to take that too.).  Admittedly, it was his fault (with the encouragement of his mom) that he had to run. Suddenly, this momma’s boy is without a mom, running in the wilderness (without survival skills), and running out of hope.

Tired and alone, Jacob took a rock and used it for a pillow to sleep. It was dark and he was probably thinking of all the predators that could kill him as he slept, but he was just too tired to care. I have no idea what was going through his head when he did that (the passage didn’t say), was he crying? Was he beating himself up for pulling that stupid trick on his dad (what could he do the first-born blessing if he was already dead, anyway?)? Did he miss his mom? Was he practicing what he would say to his brother if ever Esau catches up to him?

Whatever they were, Jacob fell asleep and he had one of the most famous dreams in the Bible: Angels going up and down a ladder from heaven reaching earth. “And the Lord stood above it and said: I am the Lord God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac… Behold I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.” (Gen. 28:13-15)

And Jacob woke up from his sleep and said, “The Lord is in this place and I did not know it!” (Gen. 28:16)

And if you read through Genesis, you can see that God did pull through for Jacob–even as Jacob wasn’t perfect in his righteousness and faithfulness at all throughout everything, God still remained faithful and true to His word.

It’s funny (well, not really) how I’ve been talking to a lot of people and I’m noticing a trend– not all of us are having an easy time these days. Some of us are discouraged, uncertain, lonely and verging on depression. The future looks uncertain from where we stand. And while we are far from having a stone for a pillow, we feel like that we’re in a dark place right now and wolves are lurking about waiting to tear us apart.

But let’s take our cue from Jacob who still found it in him to sleep, to rest even when nothing is comfortable. Sleeping left him vulnerable to all the dangers out there, but for a man at the end of his rope, he still got to sleep. I’m not saying you should sleep when you have to be at work, but REST. Be at peace. And there, like in Jacob’s dream, God reveals Himself to be with you still, will keep you wherever you may go and will not leave you until His work is finished with you.

Happy Monday guys. The Lord is with you.

I may not always say so (being the big sister, for some reason, rarely affords me that opportunity to do this), but I’m really proud of you. And even if you’re only just a few days in as a JC’s wife, I know you’ll do me proud too. Your marriage is just one of those things that people instantly know is just right (even if you and JC still looked like kids playing dress up at that crazy gorgeous wedding), and I know that God will bless you two and your ministry because this is all Him, and He will be with you two down this road.

So, be good to each other. And let’s have dinner in Makati still, once in a while, ok?

Love, Ate

“how are you feeling now?” my friend asked me online just a few minutes ago. I guess she was referring to my day yesterday wherein I wasn’t really feeling all that great, and after a couple of years of not having depression, it was strange seeing it rearing its sad face peeking through my metaphorical window, asking if it’s ok to come in. No, it wasn’t ok to come in, and the whole day was like a roller coaster wrestling match (sorry for mixing my metaphors) with self-pity as I just kept on praying and pleading for more of the grace that I already know was enough and that was already given to me.

“My grace is enough,” He assures me time and time again. Even if I didn’t open my Bible, I know where it is, where to find it. I always went back to it. And throughout the day the grace that is always enough covered my big and small mistakes, carried my unwilling ass from one task to another. Raised my spirits when I just couldn’t even lift the corners of my mouth for a smile.

Things are changing again. And while I used to boast that I thrive on change, the in-between time is sometimes so uncomfortable.

I’m at a crossroads again. Weird, wasn’t I just here a few months ago? Did I miss a turn somewhere? But lead on Lord.

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

(Monday’s Child, traditional)

I tried hitting the ground running this new year, but I kinda stumbled over myself and spent the first few days metaphorically on my butt, dazed on the ground with metaphorical scrapes on my chin and elbows, and the taste of dirt in my mouth. On hindsight, I didn’t end last year all that well, mainly for the fact that I was just glad to make it to the end alive.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m trying not to succumb to all the helpful words from well-meaning individuals who tell me, “Napag-iwanan ka na. (You got left behind.)” Because my youngest sister is getting married next weekend. I’ve got all these snappy comebacks ready, but I do get tired of hearing them and forcing a fake smile on my face whenever I do. My family tells me to just let it go out of the other ear, but it’s getting to the point where I wonder if I’m just kidding myself whenever I think that I’m quite happy with my status right now. (Sometimes I get scared that I’m too content, because while being single at this age is pretty good, I do would like to move on from this level.)

But what if– what if I did miss the boat, the flight, or whatever it is they’re equivalent to in life, and I’m stuck here–to be always in the midst of transition, in the period of adjustment, a plan that’s always in the works? To exist in limbo.

(Oh, God.)

My greatest fear is being a permanent potential, having a great promise that is never fulfilled. Much like a lot of my essays and stories that are never finished or routines started that just never caught on.

But.

Of course there’s a but. I grew up knowing my Creator is a God who finishes His creation. He sees everything through, from beginning until the end. And even while I don’t feel it right now, He has set my life on forward motion. To where exactly, and how– I don’t know. But I do know that I’d be even more lost without Him.

To be even more honest (I’m trying to be more honest this year too), as I am slowly sifting through my life to get rid of the clutter (sometimes it’s like my life is built around the clutter), I’m feeling less and less sure about myself. It’s an odd feeling for me to not know of what to do or what I can do, and I’m getting acquainted with this feeling more and more these days.

I wish I could just fast forward to the day when all lessons have been learned and I’m done adjusting, and I’ve finally arrived at the place where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I would actually pray that (worth the shot). But God always says the same thing,

“My grace is enough for your weakness. Today.”

And by this same grace I’m finding out just how enough it is.