I know, now, more than ever (as I’m buried up to my neck with work and obligations and promises– “up to my neck” very fitting. heh. since i feel like i can’t move from all the pressure), I need to find You in everything and anything. I can’t go through a day without You.

I wish for more quiet times with You, but then again. Maybe that’s what all these crazy traffic jams on EDSA are for.

p.s. I love You. My heart beats for You.

i’m tired. i feel it from my skin down to my bones.
my eyes are half closed and my heart throbs like so:
one.. and a two… and again.
all i want is to be still

when i’m tired, every word is a barb to be thrown back at you
each request is too heavy to bear
a prayer is a cry for help
each tear burns in despair

but You, my God, are greater
than everything I throw Your way
greater than all my whining and tantrums
bigger than all the problems I make for myself

You carved the roads through the wilderness
make the sun rise from the east in glorious display
You fan the wind on my back
and lend a song to go with my day

You open doors before me
and windows to let the air and light come in
You bring friends with arms to hold
and a family to put up with me.

Oh, Lord, my God, my comfort and strength
my heart rejoices, give thanks
and will keep on singing your praise
for all my hours and days

(I am living by Your grace).

I couldn’t find a video/audio link to this song online, but I’m dedicating this song to those who are weary, tired, and spent in their walk with God, and with life. I’m not going to tell you what you should do, or that you shouldn’t be even feeling like this anymore, because I know that sometimes, it’s just this way. AndI know how it feels.

All I can say is, I love you. I’m here for you. God can handle even the worst and the weakest of you. So just keep on going.

This song is for us.

I can still feel the prayers you prayed for me all those years
And I see now more than ever what a difference they have made
And I can still hear your words spoken from a heart of great concern
Saying keep your eyes on Jesus and love Him more than anything
And I’ve watched the wind blow hard against you And I’ve seen your faith get weakened by the pain
And I want you to know that I will be praying for you to hold on

Don’t let the fire die The flame has been dimmed by the tears that you’ve cried
But I can still see the spark of His love in your eyes So don’t let the fire, please don’t let the fire die

This heavy weight you carry around Of letting yourself and everybody down
Is pouring water on the passion that used to burn so bright
Well I know you’ve got your reasons for resentment And I know it’s more than I can understand
So just let me say that I’m gonna be praying for you To let it all go

Don’t let the fire die The flame has been dimmed by the tears that you’ve cried
But I can still see the spark of His love in your eyes

I’m not praying for the fire to burn the way it did before
‘Cause I believe the one who started this flame in your heart He wants to give you more
So don’t let the fire die

(Steven Curtis Chapman)

(in case you want to hear how this song goes, I can sing it to you. hahaha!)

I have had several letters since I started this blog telling me that I’m “clinically delusional,” “a weak-willed, gullible, cowardly, intellectually inferior zealot,” “a religious loon,” and “the product of a third-world nation’s childhood indoctrination” (I think this one was the best) among a lot of other things. I have even invited some of them to explain their side of belief, but for some reason, all I got were more names and angry demands that I abort my children if ever I should get pregnant.

Julian Barnes, writer and a former “happy atheist” now turned agnostic, believes Christianity to be a foolish lie, albeit “a beautiful lie.” Poet Stevie Smith (who wrote one of my favorite poems, “Not Waving but Drowning”) called Christianity the same thing in her poem, “How do you see?” (a beautiful cruel lie, a beautiful idea, a beautiful fairy tale).

I’m not going into apologetics or anything of the sort. Or even get into why other people call it a “beautiful lie.” Last Friday’s email from A Slice of Infinity just got me thinking about it. I looked up Christianity as a beautiful lie and read up on a lot of posts and articles from both ends of the spectrum. I even got a bit guilty for doing a blog that’s “overtly Christian” when, personally, I would rather have my Christianity “latent” in the things I write about, not so in-your-face like “Godspotting.”

But then again, this is me. My blog. I love it that I can see my God through everything and anything in this world. It’s not my religion, it’s my life. It’s who I am. This is my passion. Just as my friend Kat keeps her own blog about the power of crystals and other things mystical; or Ailene writes about her walks, travels, music in hers; April blogs about her love for food and travel (“Because there are always places to go and things to eat”); there’s the Chuvaness blog for the fashion and lifestyle news that I follow (even as I am in the magazine industry); even that atheist dude who gets mad at people like me (no I’m not posting his link because I don’t want to attract his attention more than I already have) has a website for his own beliefs, I’m grateful that the Wide World of the Web has space for everything and anybody, yes… even God.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Foolishness. Beautiful lie.God telling us that to be great we must become the servant of all? To love our enemies? God’s Son born of virgin, delivered in a manger? God who became man to go hungry, get dirty, suffer, die in the hands of injustice?  To die and be resurrected in three days? Beautiful foolishness. Or wise beyond our understanding?

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength. (1 Corinthians 1:25)

I guess believing in an all-powerful God who is also good, who loves us and cares about the tiny details in our lives– a God who is also in control of this crazy world– could be a stretch. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe too. It’s much easier to believe in things that I can see and understand, to operate on what I do know, or what is empirically proven to be true. But I think that it’s even harder to believe that there isn’t a God who is in control… because what we know is so little compared to what we don’t know. And there are just too many things that are just beyond us.

As I’m writing this, I have friends and family who are basking in a post-long weekend high, working in their offices, enjoying good food, loving, laughing, living on a high. And I also have friends and family who are dying, sick, and in despair, hearts broken, going hungry… and I’m sure a lot more people who I don’t know are going through varying stages of these as well.

But this is what I do know. God knows them all. He knows their names. He has them in His hands, and there are things and circumstances and reasons that I still don’t understand, choices made and outcomes that I may not like, but that doesn’t change anything. My God is good and wise beyond comprehension. And He loves us. I see His love working in my life and in everyone and anybody who lets it in theirs. As for evidence that I could see, I’ll trust that.

If this is foolishness, then I’ll be a fool.

This weekend, I’ve finally done something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time.

With a bunch of people I’ve never been to the beach (and most of them I haven’t met) before.

And I got to watch a sunset over a beach (and province) I’ve never been to before.

It’s the last month of my 20s and I’m so grateful that I can still look forward to more first-time weekends like this one.

God’s too good to me.

(How He loves us so.)

This was harder than I expected it to be, to think I was the one who came up with that question for Truth Thursday. I’m going to try to get over three. Because, there are really so many things to be grateful for, we just have to tilt our minds a certain way to see it that way.

Yes, it often sounds insane, but that’s one of the many things I’ve been learning from Elvie.

1. Ex-boyfriends. But, Lord, I think I’ve had enough. hahaha! It’s still difficult even as I type this. But they’re right, every ex-boyfriend could be a step closer to the Right One.

2. Rejection. Not that I want more of it, and no, I’m not just talking about ex-boyfriends, although a couple of them do figure into this. Because, by God’s grace, I got to experience just how profound healing and how sweet acceptance could be after being rejected. And vindication always comes, and you’ll know what it is. It’s almost supernatural.

3. Irreversible mistakes. Not just because I’ve learned loads from them, but also because I got to receive the best and wisest words from my mom about this– something that I keep on repeating to myself– “Tapos na yan.”(It’s done.)

4. Bills. They let me know what I can afford now (and what I can’t). They also keep my attachment to money at bay.

5. Traffic jams. Yes, they still frustrate and tire me out some times, but they are also those pockets of quiet in my day. They also give me time to put on my makeup.

6. Scars. (added after reading Janary’s   Truth Thursday post because I forgot to put this in originally, but I was really going to put this on my list!) I have…  five major scars– three from surgeries, one second-degree burn, and a mystery scar that i forgot where I got it from. Then there are scars (in here). I love them, they tell stories of survival, hard lessons learned, and they’re reminders to myself and to others that I’m not so perfect after all.

Well hello there. I just realized that it’s a Thursday and I’m here at the Edge office getting served coffee and giving them questions for their quarterly devotionals. Then I realized that we haven’t done Truth Thursdays for a while now. Hence, I’m gonna post one today.

First, a recap on the mechanics:

Remember, you don’t have to directly answer the question, you could just be “inspired” by it. but better if you do directly address the prompt/question. remember the mechanics:

1. Every Thursday, i will post a question or a prompt on this blog and participants will write something that answers the question or was inspired by it. (or post pictures or artworks!)
2. Participants who wrote something for that Thursday must leave a link on the comment box of that day’s prompt to let people know that they have posted.
3. TRUTH THURSDAY must be on the Title of your entry, followed by the question (so people will know).
4. This does not have to be emo– although these things tend to be a bit on the emo side, but TRUTH THURSDAYS are meant to be a fun way to bond through blog, and to get people writing and posting something meaningful and real. (disclaimer: this isn’t to say that you’re not doing so already!)
5. No pressure. Just be inspired and post something!
6. Be TRUTHFUL!

And now, the question:

NAME TOP THREE (TO TEN) THINGS YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D BE GRATEFUL FOR

Because being grateful is one of the best ways to stop stressing. And we all know we need that.

Don’t you feel as if you stood on the threshold of a giant blast-furnace kitchen and inside somewhere, all comfortably warm, vast hands, flour-gloved, smelling of wondrous tripes and miraculous viscera, bloodied and proud of blood, somewhere God cooks out the dinnertime of Life? In that cauldron sun, a brew to make the flowering forth of life on Venus, in that bath a stew broth of bones and nervous heart to run in the animals on planets ten billion light years gone. And isn’t God content in His fabulous workings in the great kitchen Universe, where He has menu’d out a history of feasts, famines, deaths and reburgeonings for a billion billion years? And if God be content, would He not hum under His breath? Feel your bones. Aren’t the marrows teeming with that hum? For that matter, God not only hums, He sings in the elements. He dances in molecules. Eternal celebration swarms us.

“The Lost City of Mars” by Ray Bradbury (from the collection of his short stories I Sing the Body Electric!)

“Not all powers are spectacular. Sometimes the hardest power to master is the power of yielding.”
(Hestia, The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan)

Control. Over emotions, circumstances, crises, people– most of us have this automatic response to try to be on top of them. I know I do. But we can’t always be in control of everything.

Duh. Of course you know that already. I know that too. Every time I mess up or witness something or someone fall apart within an arm’s reach, but unable to do anything about it, I am reminded keenly that there are just too many things that are beyond my help or control. But, oh, God help me, I still try. I fight until I get to the end of my strength and even my sanity. Yielding is the final option, but I hardly even think that far.

Which brings me to Elvie. People  who follow my facebook and twitter statuses would probably have heard about her because I got to donate blood to her recently and have been looking for more donors. I met her in 2008, but I got to know her better just this year, when I got to work with her in the Single Adults Ministry (SAM) at church, and recently, when we started a Bible Study at her house.

Elvie is dying of cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma, histologic grade 3.  She’s at stage 4 already and the cancer has spread to the spine, bone marrow and liver since it was detected in 2005.In the past few weeks, she’s been in and out of the hospital. She stopped her chemo routine because it wasn’t working anymore, and now she’s trying a new one.  There is a tube plugged through her stomach to drain it of fluids regularly. She has lost all her hair. She is so thin now that I’m scared I might break her whenever I give her a hug.

She is only in her 40s, still too young to die. Sometimes, I don’t even want to acknowledge it because, really, what can you say? Last Friday, she texted me, telling the facts of her situation flat out– “Alam mo, sis, pwedeng matigok ako anytime…” Her hemoglobin and platelet count is dangerously low that if it gets even a little lower, she could die if she doesn’t make it to the hospital in time and immediately get and injection and a blood transfusion of blood type A+.

But you know, she’s one of the most optimistic, joyful and positive people I hang out with right now. She still shows up at church and the SAM activities when she can. She still goes to the office! She even told me that, even as she is scared of the pain, she’s grateful for her cancer, because if she hadn’t gotten sick, she wouldn’t have experienced this full-on dependence in God, and seen just how much He could take care of her. It may sound cliche and trite, or even crazy, but coming from her, her gratitude is so real that it’s sometimes baffling.

That’s Godspotting for you.

By yielding to the fact that she could succumb to her sickness at any time, Elvie has her priorities straight. Each day counts. She keeps on going so that God’s power and glory can all the more be shown in what’s left of her days, and to see the people she has shared the Gospel to grow closer to our Savior. But she has surrendered her sickness to God. She is ready to go whenever God calls her home. Her only prayer is to be able to keep on serving until the end. She is no longer afraid of death because it is already welcome any time.  She is free.

See her victory?

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
(Exodus 14:14)