Archive for March 19th, 2010

i never thought that it would end. seriously. i thought that this was it. the one. the settlement of stef and the beginning of a whole new adventure. i thought that we would be able to fight through anything, but then, in reality, we can only love so much. forgive so much. it just hurt to find out that what we had wasn’t as much as we thought it would be.

while we were together, i knew that that was where we were meant to be at that time. and when it ended, i knew that it was time to go. but still, oh, how i fought it before i caved in.

it ended– like how it usually ends. a lot of tears, promises of “for now” that i’m not going to hold him to, a prayer, a hug and a last squeeze of the hand. then it would be a few days of awkward conversations before finally ellipsis-ing off to silence, private tears and lots of explanations to people’s questions of what happened? are you sure? maybe someday… again?

it doesn’t get any easier, no matter how many times I’ve been through this. we promise the infinite and we always come up short.

but when it was over, the morning after, i woke up with a strange feeling. lighter, maybe because i lost something big that i had been holding on to for over a year and half. i poked my heart to see if it’s still ok, because for some reason it’s not feeling that familiar needle pricking pain after a breakup. i looked at my schedule for that saturday. until the day before, i was going to move out of my apartment and in with some friends in palanan, makati; and i was going to wear my white suit for the first time to our friends’ wedding in tagaytay. just like that, my day was a clean slate, among other things and i was back in limbo. i’m no longer his, and he’s not mine. then i just let myself cry again.

i made decisions that day that helped me function normally even up to now. no running. let go of burgeoning bitterness. let go of him. forgive even when not asked. stay in church. do the job that’s in front of me. stay at home. no awkwardness. be kind. accept kindness when given. pray. praise. give thanks. lean on the Rock that has never failed me ever before.

i hadn’t plan on being strong or brave or funny. or to appear like something tragic didn’t happen. but somehow these things happened too.

it wasn’t until five days later when the word “broken” was mentioned. and i poked my heart again, examined it to see if it was as broken as it should be. but it wasn’t. it was whole– it hasn’t been like this for so long that I didn’t recognize it. i’ve never lost touch with God even before the breakup, but upon realizing that i was whole, i just wanted to fall on my knees at the sidewalk of Ayala Ave. and declare that it was Him the whole time, taking care of me, holding me together even without me asking.

all i wanted was to fall apart but He held me up.

i am cradled and surrounded by so much love that you wouldn’t know that i have just come out of a breakup. and i swear that i have nothing to do with it except to accept the grace that’s being showered on me.

once again, i am made to live my life verse:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

i love it that even my colleagues find my composure astonishing. my friend even told me, “you make me want to consider getting religion.” and i said it’s not me.

don’t get me wrong. it’s still not easy. i often wish it hadn’t ended, but who am i to complain when i know that the God of the universe is holding me up? i still cry like someone i loved died– because, in a sense, that dream we had died with this.

but once again, i am assured that if i thought that this dream was already great, how much more is the future that God actually has for me (and for him)?

there’s really no escaping Him. He hems me in– behind and before. my wonderful Father, my Savior, my Comforter and Friend. Your works are wonderful, I know it full well.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

(Psalm 138:8)