Archive for March, 2010

I’ll be gone for a youth camp I’m helping out in Union Church over the Holy Weekend. I wasn’t supposed to say yes to it anymore because I just wanted to get some rest, but after talking to the camp director, I just realized that I had to do it. She said that she believes I could teach these kids about service, by showing them at the camp how it is to serve. I’m not going to speak at a session, but I’m going to lead by example.

I wanted to tell her that she’s got the wrong girl. That all I wanted in the world is to just sit on my butt and have everything brought over to me. I want to be the center of attention every time. I want to be taken care of. I want a driver to drive me around. I want a man to worship the ground that I walk on. I want everything to come easy and fast so I wouldn’t have to work or wait.

Even as I am writing this, I know how wrong that sounds. Hahaha. I guess that’s why I said yes to the camp. I guess I have a lot to learn about being a servant too– by being one, and by being accountable to the dozen+ volunteers that I’m supposed to supervise in the three day camp. So I suppose that’s why I said yes.

Right now, I’m thinking about Jesus, who, in the night when all the authority of heaven has been given to him, took a towel, wrapped it around his waist and knelt down to wash his disciples’ feet. The Son of God doing the lowliest of the tasks for a servant–a job nobody wanted to do– to show His disciples that this how they should be to one another. (John 13: 1-20)

This is His brand of love. And the world would know that we are his disciples by how we love each other. Pride and arrogance will tear us apart, the desire to be recognized for our service is going to ruin us. But Jesus’ love builds each other up.

Of course, it’s not literally washing each others’ feet. But it’s the spirit of humility and willingness to put others first before ourselves. It doesn’t look good most of the time, and the world’s not going to understand it, but this is how it is. We are not performing for the world (even if we do know that they’re watching us), but we’re serving God. We can’t just look the part, we have to be it.

I guess what I want to say is that I pray that we Christians would take on the heart of a servant. To be willing to go the extra mile for each other and others, to go beyond our comfort zones to reach out to people. To be the solution. To serve, even when nobody is watching.

I know that it feels good to be recognized by what we do. The applause and standing ovation is cool. The accolades are just super. But that’s not what Jesus called us to.

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph. 3:10)

Just think of our Father in Heaven, smiling at us as we go about the work of the Kingdom here. There may be no medals in the immediate future, I just want one thing– that when it’s time for me to go home and stand before Him, I would hear my Father say, “Well done.” That would be more than enough for me.

(from John 5:1-8)

Do you remember the time when Jesus healed the crippled man who had been sitting by the pool at the Sheep Gate nearly all his life? The pool where all the invalids (the blind, crippled, the paralyzed) hung out in case an angel stirs the pool and the first one to jump in will be healed? Jesus came along and saw a crippled man lying there and asked him if he wanted to get well. I noticed that he didn’t exactly say, “Yes! Please heal me!” or “I believed that you can heal me Jesus!” It was more like, “Well, I could’ve been healed a long time ago, but I have nobody to help me get up to jump into the pool when the water is stirred, so somebody else gets healed instead…”

Funny how even if he didn’t know who Jesus was, he didn’t really answer his question and instead gave a summary of the hopeless situation he was in– that if the universe hadn’t conspired against him, everything would have been fine. Are we like that when faced with a dire situation? How many times has God asked us if we need any help and we reply and just point out the hopelessness of our situation, forgetting that we’re talking to A REALLY POWERFUL GOD.

I remember last year, I had just given up on the possibility of going to my best friend’s wedding in Michigan because I simply did not have money nor enough time to save up for it. While walking, a voice in my head just said, “If you really wanted to go that much, why didn’t you ask me?” and I was like, “Oo nga no, Lord?!” I said sorry right then and there, and asked if I could go. I went to my parents next and asked them if I could go, and they both said, “Of course you should go! He’s your best friend!” And they gave me money for the ticket and added to what I saved for my pocket money. So all I had to do was to stop moping about how I could’ve gone had I had more time to prepare, if my job paid more– and just ask God!

Of course, this doesn’t happen all the time, but, you know, it never hurts to ask in faith that God can and will give us what we need when we need it (or him/her haha!). I really believe that it’s a mercy that God doesn’t answer all our prayers. He’s the only one who sees the whole picture after all.

Another thought about the crippled man who was told to get up: I wonder how long it took for him to get used to using his legs again.He left Jesus rejoicing. And Jesus, upon bumping into him later, admonished him to stop sinning, now that he’s been healed. I wonder, did he wake up every morning grateful that he can walk or did Jesus’ admonition weigh heavily in his heart? Was he still grateful that he could walk even after the muscles hurt for a while? I wonder if he swore every time his knee would bump something or he stub his toe. Was he still grateful that he could walk even if he had to work for a living now, and walk everywhere now unlike before when people had to carry him around? One thing about being healed is that you’re not as weak as you were before, people don’t cut you any more slack and expect more from you now.

Funny that, I was just thinking that I can’t use the fact that my boyfriend had just broken up with me as an excuse so people would cut me some slack at work or at church or at home anymore. Because people could see– and I know– that I’m really more than fine. And it’s all because of God. Mahiya na lang ako if I still pretend that I’m still not fine just so I could get special treatment, after all that, right?

So what has God healed you from? What are the chains that He has broken to set you free? Whenever hard times come, always be grateful that He has given you the strength to withstand them and to grow from there.

⁶When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

⁷“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

⁸Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”

John 5:6-8 (NIV)

Today is a different kind of monthsary for me. It’s been exactly a month since he told me that he couldn’t swim this far with me anymore. And I woke up this morning with the thought, “Can I actually say that I’m over it?” before realizing that it’s been a month already.

Then it was followed by this realization: I’m still swimming, and it’s only You Lord, that’s keeping my head above the flood.

Because of that i can sing:

I’m ready, God, so ready,

ready from head to toe,

Ready to sing, ready to raise a tune:
“Wake up, soul!

Wake up, harp! wake up, lute!
Wake up, you sleepyhead sun!”

I’m thanking you, God, out loud in the streets,
singing your praises in town and country.
The deeper your love, the higher it goes;
every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness.

Soar high in the skies, O God!
Cover the whole earth with your glory!

(Psalm 57: 7-11, the Message)

don’t you love it when a Psalm sings your heart out just right?!

He's got the whole world in His hands

i never thought that it would end. seriously. i thought that this was it. the one. the settlement of stef and the beginning of a whole new adventure. i thought that we would be able to fight through anything, but then, in reality, we can only love so much. forgive so much. it just hurt to find out that what we had wasn’t as much as we thought it would be.

while we were together, i knew that that was where we were meant to be at that time. and when it ended, i knew that it was time to go. but still, oh, how i fought it before i caved in.

it ended– like how it usually ends. a lot of tears, promises of “for now” that i’m not going to hold him to, a prayer, a hug and a last squeeze of the hand. then it would be a few days of awkward conversations before finally ellipsis-ing off to silence, private tears and lots of explanations to people’s questions of what happened? are you sure? maybe someday… again?

it doesn’t get any easier, no matter how many times I’ve been through this. we promise the infinite and we always come up short.

but when it was over, the morning after, i woke up with a strange feeling. lighter, maybe because i lost something big that i had been holding on to for over a year and half. i poked my heart to see if it’s still ok, because for some reason it’s not feeling that familiar needle pricking pain after a breakup. i looked at my schedule for that saturday. until the day before, i was going to move out of my apartment and in with some friends in palanan, makati; and i was going to wear my white suit for the first time to our friends’ wedding in tagaytay. just like that, my day was a clean slate, among other things and i was back in limbo. i’m no longer his, and he’s not mine. then i just let myself cry again.

i made decisions that day that helped me function normally even up to now. no running. let go of burgeoning bitterness. let go of him. forgive even when not asked. stay in church. do the job that’s in front of me. stay at home. no awkwardness. be kind. accept kindness when given. pray. praise. give thanks. lean on the Rock that has never failed me ever before.

i hadn’t plan on being strong or brave or funny. or to appear like something tragic didn’t happen. but somehow these things happened too.

it wasn’t until five days later when the word “broken” was mentioned. and i poked my heart again, examined it to see if it was as broken as it should be. but it wasn’t. it was whole– it hasn’t been like this for so long that I didn’t recognize it. i’ve never lost touch with God even before the breakup, but upon realizing that i was whole, i just wanted to fall on my knees at the sidewalk of Ayala Ave. and declare that it was Him the whole time, taking care of me, holding me together even without me asking.

all i wanted was to fall apart but He held me up.

i am cradled and surrounded by so much love that you wouldn’t know that i have just come out of a breakup. and i swear that i have nothing to do with it except to accept the grace that’s being showered on me.

once again, i am made to live my life verse:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

i love it that even my colleagues find my composure astonishing. my friend even told me, “you make me want to consider getting religion.” and i said it’s not me.

don’t get me wrong. it’s still not easy. i often wish it hadn’t ended, but who am i to complain when i know that the God of the universe is holding me up? i still cry like someone i loved died– because, in a sense, that dream we had died with this.

but once again, i am assured that if i thought that this dream was already great, how much more is the future that God actually has for me (and for him)?

there’s really no escaping Him. He hems me in– behind and before. my wonderful Father, my Savior, my Comforter and Friend. Your works are wonderful, I know it full well.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

(Psalm 138:8)