Archive for July, 2009

A year ago, this was a season of changes and beginnings. 2008 was a great year, we’ve acquired a brother-in-law, I met new friends, had a new vision and direction for my life and writing, an exciting ministry at Station One. I was at that point where I loved being single, which is not to say I didn’t have lonely moments or wished for some romance in my life, but I let God take care of that department. He has a far better taste in men for me than I do. I was doing a lot of freelance work that didn’t pay a lot, just enough, and I had a lot of time to do other things that interested me.

A year and a half ago, I was preparing to go to Bible school in the States. I was so sure that I was supposed to go– even with all the worries about how I’m going to afford it, how I’m going to live there, the student visa, and all that. I was so sure, and I was really getting ready to go.

Two months and a year ago, Jacs told me about the opening for a managing editor position in Metro Society, would I like to send my resume and sample works? Even if I was leaving for Bible school, I thought, “Why not?” I didn’t think I would get it, but it would be cool to see if they would actually consider me– a career freelancer, with no managing editorial blood in her veins– for the job. They called me for an interview. I met the Editor-in-Chief, told him the craziest things, only half-caring if he liked me for the job or not, but I liked him and thought that it would be cool to work with him. A couple of weeks later, they called me up to tell me I got the job.

Nearly two months and a year ago, I cried over my journal while writing down the pros and cons about getting the job vs. going to Bible School. They led to two different futures. Jen, my small group leader, patted me on the back to calm me down said, “Both of them are good things. God will be with you whichever path you choose.” And so I made my choice. The next morning, Dad breathed a sigh of relief when I told him I would stay and take the job.

A year ago yesterday, I walked into Station One and Law bounced up to me announcing gleefully, “Guess who’s here?!” A slightly familiar-looking guy in a tight shirt stood in front of me, smiling, but not saying anything. I squinted at him and said, “Anton?” He frowned and said, “No, I’m Manu!” We had never been formally introduced, but I knew him as that skinny kid back in high school a year ahead of us. I think I only said a sentence to him the whole time we were in highschool, but that night last year, we talked and poked fun at each other like old friends. I got his number but I didn’t give him mine until I texted him on the way home last night. I knew I had found a fun new friend who just kept on texting me.

A year ago today, Manu, through text and YM, revealed that he used to be a chef before going full time in the ministry as the Associate Pastor of WinMakati. Since I was cooking dinner that night, we collaborated for dinner via instant messaging. He told me to put beer with cream and fish roe for the pasta sauce. It was an epic fail.

Two days later last year was my first day in Metro Society. It was raining, and we had our first editorial training session. We learned the importance of cover blurbs, I met the other people in the office. For the first time, I felt that I was part of something big. So big that apart from Jacs and Metro Society’s editorial staff, I didn’t remember any of the names of the people that day.

Same day last year, Passion, the worship concert and youth conference, came to the Philippines. I rushed from ABS CBN to Ultra to meet my friends. I got separated from Tim and Deus– they got seats up front. I met up with the CFAC people at the end of the line. We ended up sitting up on the cheap seats to the right side of the stage. It was a good view, I didn’t mind. All this time, I was texting with Manu, who was on his way to the same event with his best friends and churchmates. We tried to figure out where each other was in that coliseum, it wasn’t until after a few songs into the concert that I saw this guy in a black shirt, just down our row, standing up while texting. I texted Manu to look to his left, and sure enough it was him. Some time during the concert, I lost my seat to a couple of old ladies and had to sit uncomfortably on a bar over our row. Manu saw me and made me sit with them (he happened to have an empty spot beside him). I didn’t want my CFAC friends to think that something’s going on between me and Manu, so I left him as soon as the concert was over. But even then, I knew something was brewing, on Manu’s part, at least. haha

2008 became even more interesting from then on.

For these past few days, I’m reminded of how God can change my plans and if I let Him, He can show me His plans– a future that is far beyond what I deserve. Thank God for retrospection, for the faith I needed at that time to go along with Him, even if His plans were so different from mine. Last night, at small group, when Grace asked me what my prayer request was, I couldn’t really think of any, other than my health (eventually I found some things I need to pray for though). She said, a matter-of-factly, “You’re so blessed, Stef.” I thought about it, grinned, and finally admitted, “Yes, I’m blessed.”

Amazingly so.

“All of my life, in every season, You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.” (Desert Song)

I haven’t been feeling well for the past few weeks. My doctor told me (the last time I went to him because I’ve been getting sick a lot again), that I went to him last year, at around this time, with the same complaints as well. So we just put it down as a season of Stef getting sick for some reason or another. I’ve had blood tests and other tests that came out normal every time, so we still don’t know what’s causing this.

I’m just seeing this as another weightloss opportunity. hahaha.

Seriously though, some times I do worry about what’s happening to my body. I don’t like it that I don’t have much control over this matter. I have done what I can to stay healthy– vitamins, good eating choices, sleep, and regular exercise, but I still get sick.

Still, I know that in my weakness He is strong.

Last Tuesday, after a bout of stomach flu, I got up from my bed, attended Station One and was just grateful that I still had strength to lift up my hands and sing. I felt all the better for it.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

it’s nice to be reminded and to celebrate these small things. this day won’t happen again for another millennium!

(makes me kinda wish that i didn’t spend most of it just trying to feel better.)

but still… *hugs self* i love that i’m alive today.

despite my reputation for being an insomniac, and a person who “thrives on stress,” i’ve actually been putting in a  decent number of sleeping hours a night now. and it shows on my face, my temper (it’s better), and my outlook in life. it’s easier to get up early for work now, but unfortunately, i have yet to learn to sleep and still meet my deadlines… well, one thing at a time, eh? he he

I read in A Slice of Infinity about the Christian Vision Project wherein questions were raised as to how Christians can be counterculture for the common good. While the answers ranged from from becoming our own fiercest critics to experiencing life at the margins, from choosing wisely what to overlook and what to belabor to packing up and moving into the city. But there was one answer that stood out,

Author Lauren Winner, in her book Books & Culture, proposed: More sleep. She quickly admitted the curious nature of her retort. “Surely one could come up with something more other-directed, more sacrificial, less self-serving,” she wrote. Still, she carefully reasoned through the forces of culture that insist we give up an hour of sleep here, or two hours there–the grinding schedules, the unnerving stock piles of e-mail in need of responses, the early-taught/early-learned push for more and more productivity. Thus, Winner concluded, “It’s not just that a countercultural embrace of sleep bears witness to values higher than ‘the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desire for other things.’ A night of good sleep–a week, or month, or year of good sleep–also testifies to the basic Christian story of Creation. We are creatures, with bodies that are finite and contingent.” We are also bodies living within a culture generally terrified of aging, uncomfortable with death, and desperate for our accomplishments to distract us. “The unarguable demands that our bodies make for sleep are a good reminder that we are mere creatures,” Winner concludes. “[I]t is God and God alone who ‘neither slumbers nor sleeps.’”

This reminder was the final argument on whether Stef should get more sleep or not. I guess I’ve made time for everything else in my life, I should make time for rest too right? Sleeping has also taught me to make the most of my day, to wake up early to get things done early, so I can have more time to do the things I used to stay up late for (like read, and do my other articles, and hangout with my family, friends and myManu).

i guess it all boiled down to being confronted with the promise I made to myself and God at the start of 2008– and that’s not to worry, because I know that He’s in control. Good sleep is actually one of the biggest signs of a worry-free life. We can only do so much, but we can rest in the knowledge that our God can and does go beyond our limitations. I’m not saying that faith is an excuse to slack off, remember, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7).

But sleeping as an act of faith, who would’ve thought it?

Today I carry my time. and it drips through my fingers the tighter i hold on to it.
I carry yesterday.
I carry today and today and today.
I carry eternity one day at a time.

I don’t carry the hurt. not anymore.
I don’t carry promises we never intended to keep.
I don’t carry words that make me bleed.
no more of this armor that God didn’t give.
I don’t carry with me the tomorrows we could have had.
no more of the should’ves could’ve might’ve hads

Today I carry Joseph’s colorful coat.
David’s harp.
Noah’s ark.
Moses’ staff.
Jacob’s ladder.
Ruth’s gleanings.

I carry my mother’s heart. Tender, yet strong.
I carry my father’s love that goes deeper than his pockets can go, and still it gives and gives and gives some more.
I carry my brothers. my sisters.
(and my seester carries the Sky.)

I carry with me Home. down roads i can travel in my sleep, alleyways and byways and highways.
I carry with me the people i meet.

I carry the warmth of my hand in his.
(and I carry his (heart) in mine.)

I carry with me sunsets on the water,
trees and mountains, and behind the cathedral bell tower.
I carry a kite and the bright blue sky embracing it.
I carry a city’s quiet streets.
I carry the waves the rise and fall and  hiss and roar
I carry the cat, the whole armful of him and the scratches he don’t mean to give.
I carry bubbles, rainbows and other fragile things.

Today I carry my name. (and i don’t get to keep my name.)

and I carry my heart.
with
This hope.
This love and (not-so secret) love.
This forgiveness.
I carry with me my faith.
that
you Lord, you carry me.

(reposted, edited from June 5, 2008)