Archive for June, 2009

“Let God shatter your dreams. He’s way more creative than you are about these sorts of things.”
(Micah Fernandez, Twitter, June 24, 2009, 10 pm)

when i read this twit, it really hit home. while i’m already living out this principle already, it still hard when God says no to the one thing that i’ve been praying for at that time.

i’m usually an easy-going person… well, in terms of goals and plans, at least. i’m pretty flexible most of the time. but when i do find something to hold on to and to want– and this happens once in every blue moon, i usually end up getting it.

however, the thing about getting what i want– it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. and i eventually have to learn the hard way that it’s always better to lay my plans and my dreams at His feet. because, He knows and sees the whole picture– and He loves me! the thing about giving up our plans and dreams to our loving God is– who’s to stop Him if He wants the same for us? At least, when it does come true, we get what we want and know that it’s got God’s approval. And if we don’t get it, it means that there’s something better than that.

when i get a clear “No,” it’s still hard, and as disappointing. but the peace in submitting to His will, i find, is worth all the trouble of letting go.

this is not to say that stef is just taking things lying down.

i live and do the job that’s in front of me. i move forward in faith, doing what i know is right, learning as i go along. but sometimes, like a child tugging my daddy’s hand, i try to keep on moving forward. always asking, “what’s next?!” i’m still learning how to enjoy the moment, but i’m getting there.

i love living by faith. it’s not a life for the fainthearted!

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

(Eph. 3: 14-21)

last night, i was going through some old blog posts and found this essay by Jenny Schroadel that i picked up from Boundless zine she titled “In the Name of Hope”. I posted it at the beginning of 2008 and I guess it’s part of that thing i started last year about not worrying and just enjoying what I have at the moment. and i think, something God wanted  remind to remind me of once again.

Things haven’t been really easy right now for me. But i’m not lying whenever i tell people that i’m just awesome whenever they ask how I am… it’s just that the struggle never stops. There are still some things– emotions, issues, questions, worries– that i daily have to choose to let go of to move forward.

If you want to act in the name of hope, you must first become aware of the voices of despair, that come to us both consciously and unconsciously — voices that sneer, “You mess everything up” or “You’ll always be alone.”

and once recognized, the best way to fight these voices of despair is to do concrete acts of hope. As Steven Press field wrote in The War of Art, “Never forget: this very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to change our destiny…. This second we can sit down and work.”

Over the years, I’ve tried to strike a balance between being open to good possibilities — and being willing to move toward them as they become more tangible, while also admitting that sometimes the things I want most might not, in the end, be what I need.

Years ago, when I was trying to decide if I should go to college or on a short-term missions trip a pastor offered me this advice. He said, “Don’t pray for doors to open. Just keep walking forward and pray that God will close the doors that he doesn’t want you to walk through.” Or as my seminary professor Dr. Albert Rossi likes to say, “Just do the next, best thing.”

But of course, when God closes the door, and hope seems elusive, that’s when we need it most. Hope is the flashlight we hold onto as we stumble through the dark toward the open window…

Hope is not presumption. Even if it spreads its branches toward heaven, it is rooted in the soil of this earth. We don’t just assume — or promise to others — outcomes that have no basis in reality. Hope most often seems to work in the confines of our own experiences, the limits of human time, and in our frail bodies — bodies that sometimes don’t get well no matter how hard we pray.

I’m not expecting that things are going to change and my struggle for hope will be won as soon as I pray, get off this bed, get showered, dressed and out of the door. Today, I will, just as I had in most days before (I can’t claim to be THAT consistent yet), walk and live in the name of hope. Because hope is learned on the job, not inside a room while thinking about it.

“Hope is learned — it is not a given. You don’t just do it; you don’t just have it; you grope for it in the dark…As we find hope, we find evidence that He’s just been here. Hope is the bread crumbs that God leaves for us, not just to find our deepest desire or dream — but Him.” (Jarrod Voltz, died of cancer at the age of 29)

One of the best things about believing in God (and I have been called “delusional” many times for this), is that I know that I’m not alone. There is the One, who is much more powerful, ultimately wiser and more patient that I could ever be, who watches over me. And when I hope in Him, it never fails, because He never fails.

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. (Romans 5:5)

Today, I will walk in the name of hope.

My dear brothers,

I know Who created you, that’s why I expect so much from you guys.

And to my dad, who set the bar really high for the men in my life.

_________

When God wants to drill a man, and thrill a man, and skill a man
when God wants to mold a man to play the noblest part
when He yearns with all His heart to create a great and so bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed
watch His methods, watch His ways.

How He ruthlessly perfects whom He royally elects
How He hammers him and hurts him and with mighty blows converts him
into trial shapes of clay that only God understands
while his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands.

How He bends but never breaks when His good He undertakes
How He uses whom He chooses and with every purpose fuses him;
By every act induces him to try His splendor out,
God knows what He’s about.

(Anonymous)

- repost from December 19, 2007

Lord
Let your light, Light of your face
Shine on Us

Lord
Let your light, Light of your face
Shine on Us

That we, may be saved
That we, may have life
To find our way
In the darkest night
Let your light, Shine on us

Lord
Let your grace, Grace from your hand
Fall on us

Lord
Let your grace, Grace from your hand
Fall on us

That we, may be saved
That we, may have life
To find our way
In the darkest night
Let your grace, Fall on us

Lord
Let your love, Love with no end
Come over us

Lord
Let your love, Love with no end
Come over us

That we, may be saved
That we, may have life
To find our way
In the darkest night
Let your love, Come over us

Let your light, Shine on us

being a girl rocks. today i celebrate being a daughter of the King.

yes.

even with PMS

emo-ness

predisposition to thunder thighs

i love being a woman.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

as the pressures at work and in my personal life (plus the monthly attacks of the PMS monster) are piling up on top of each other, especially these days, i find myself stopping in wonder at the peace that’s keeping me sane through everything.

the month of May and the early weeks of June hasn’t been an easy for me and especially to a number of people close to me. i’ve been to five wakes out of the six that i meant to go to– four people close to me had to bury their parents, my editor in chief lost his best friend the other week, seven days later, his dad passed away as well.  no way am i comparing my month to theirs.

but you know what i mean–those days when most of the things that could go wrong went wrong. we can’t even close our issue for this month (two weeks late!!!) when we were doing rather well before. i haven’t been getting sleep, my dreams have been disturbing. i get to the office in the morning, and i could already feel the strain. people that i count on have let me down…

but the peace! This PEACE that passes beyond understanding has been keeping me together. sure, there are times when i felt the tears trying to get out while on the way to work because i know what’s waiting for me when i get to the office. and there are things that are a wrench to give up, but i have to… when the river does not look peaceful at all.  but even if on the surface, everything is churning, i could feel the peace anchoring me, steadying me, holding me close.

it’s like finding a spot of pure stillness in the middle of this chaos, cold water in a really hot day, snuggling under a warm blanket in a really cold night, a soft soft pillow with fresh linen sheets, a bite of really good chocolate. that comfort that digs deep down and fills you with the warm fuzzies. and without fail, this peace makes me smile in the most random moments in a crazy day.

i’ve been called delusional and all sorts of names lately by people for this sort of conviction, but things have never been so clear when i finally admitted that even if there are things and circumstances that are beyond my control, there is One who is always in control. And the One who is in control is big enough to accomodate the smallest detail of every person’s life. and not only that, He cares about every one. He cares about me! And He wants what’s best for me! He’s never let me down before so I can rest easy on that thought.

this is the kind of peace that doesn’t get affected by what’s happening outside of me.

try to wrap your mind around that.

i guess that’s why they call it “the peace that passes all understanding.”

“I lied.”

“about what? is this serious?”

and so the talk began.

hard conversations are…well, HARD. it’s always difficult for me to start one, but once i get started, it’s like i’m rolling down a very steep and very slippery slope. i have no control over the speed and direction– even losing my poise as it’s happening. oh, and it gets really messy on the way down. i don’t know why i always have to start difficult conversations, but things do need to be said sometimes, even when it looks like it’s not a good idea at that time.

right now, i just feel like hiding under a rock somewhere far far away until everything that’s been said is forgotten, and we can go back to being normal. but the more rational part of me is just telling me to sit still because precedent shows that these things have a way of working out. it’s just that right now, everything looks like a mess and i don’t know how i’ll be able to show my face in the morning.

well, here’s to tonight’s difficult conversation. it didn’t exactly end in a way that left me with a feeling that i’ll get some good sleep tonight, but i know that it will be ok. it’s already part of the thread that God– the Grand Weaver that He is– is weaving through this wonderful tapestry of eternity. He always has a way of making things work out. and there will come to a point where it will all make sense and it will be the perfect moment.

and while i may not be able to look at myself in the mirror right now (because i’m still feeling really vulnerable and sheepish), i know that someday (hopefully soon), i’ll look back to this and laugh.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

P.S.

I looked up the version in The Message for Romans 8:28 and this came out:
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Romans 8:28, (The Message)

which speaks exactly into the aforementioned difficult conversation. well played, Lord.

i get it.

(no. the difficult conversation is not about me pregnant. I’M NOT PREGNANT. just in case you’re getting ideas from the “our pregnant condition” in the verse above.)

so i have been neglecting this blog on purpose– as in,

me: “should i go blog today?”

me: “nah.”

not that nothing much has been happening, quite the opposite, actually. so much, that the space i have in between happenings are jealously guarded as  no-writing-time. hence, not blogging.

but the Godspotting still goes on.